Thanks everyone for all of the kind words and comments. Believe it or not - I agree and already know everything y'all are saying. I know - more than anybody - exactly how far Kevin has come in the last 11 months. I remember what it was like when he was in a coma. I remember when the doctors told me he would never be more than three years old. I remember all of it. Every excruciating instant. And every wonderful one too.
The problem is that I am sitting here in the dark for hours. I can do nothing but think. I do this every night anyway and most of the time Kevin and I have had a good day so it's okay to think about it. But Kevin has been struggling with his emotions this trip and it is making me realize things that I have always been able to look past.
I do want to touch on some of the comments though and give my two cents, if possible.
Although I rarely think about what Kevin was like in the past, I don't ever want to totally forget who he was for the first 19 years of his life. To be honest, he is still mostly the same person - but vital parts of him are gone and I don't agree that I should not remember what was our past. I do agree that I shouldn't dwell on it though and I don't feel that I have ever done that for any length of time. A couple of days here and there - yeah, sure. I think that's acceptable.
I also don't agree that I am depressed. I think I have hit a rough spot, but that doesn't mean I am depressed. To me, depression is something that happens over weeks or months. It doesn't happen when you fly to another state and feel things differently. Maybe I am wrong though - do any of you feel that my previous posts sounded depressed? I am always open to being wrong (did I just say that out loud?).
As for the person that wrote that Kevin sees what's going on around him but must know he is a hero - there is the problem. Kevin doesn't even understand that word. All Kevin is seeing right now is what he has lost. He has no comprehension of how he lost it or why. I have discussed it with him, but he truly doesn't understand it. It would make all of this so much easier if he could comprehend what has actually happened to him.
Cathy M - I do agree that each visit will probably get easier. It's just like Kevin looking in the mirror and crying for the first how many times. Now he looks and just hams it up for himself. Next month will probably be much easier.
And to be honest - today was even a better day than yesterday. He still wants to go home, but he seemed to have a good time at PT with Pam and the guys in the gym. Pam? Will you PLEASE PLEASE come home with us? Kevin responds to you so well!
Jessica - fake it till you make it has always been my motto. And it works most of the time. That's how I have gotten through even the toughest of the last year, but no matter what - I am going to just have days where I just can't fake it.
Barbara B - I am about 1/3 of the way through My Stroke of Insight. I just can't find it since we moved, lol. It will show up eventually.
With also brings me to The Shack. I haven't seen it yet either, Janna. It's gotta be in a box somewhere...
And Barbara you also mentioned me writing a book. Many people have mentioned it and believe me - there is SO MUCH that I just don't share here - but I would have no idea on how to go about getting it published or anything like that. And frankly, I'm not sure I have the intelligence either. I will say this though...as we are moving into the one year mark, I do plan to 'remember' things and document them here. I can't remember what I wrote in the beginning, but I do remember how I felt. I want to put that to paper (ok - the black void called webspace) for Kevin to read about in the future.
And as for me getting a degree or going back to work - there is just no time now. Kevin is A LOT (underlined 17 times) of work. I don't usually even get to sit down for 5 minutes a day and when I do - I need to stay sitting because I am so on the verge of just dropping. This also goes along with the few emails I got telling me to start my own business. Contrary to popular belief - you have to work REALLY hard to succeed when you are self employed. I could never do that with Kevin how he is now.
And to the anonymous poster who told me to head on down to the Drop Zone and toss back a few? I'll meet you there!!! HAHA. Seriously - if I sat down and started drinking I would either A) fall off the barstool like a drunken idiot after just 1 drink or B) start crying and never stop. And I should also mention that Kevin and I went there for breakfast on Wed, but the gang had already left. I was so disappointed.
As for me filing for disability - I am still considered 'workable'. I think that blows the Medicaid out of the water too, doesn't it?
To Amy Grace - you mentioned us learning American Sign Language. I still haven't checked into it, but I plan to as soon as I have a few minutes. I am intrigued, to say the least.
Jodi - it was so wonderful to talk to you today - even if I did 'butt dial' you, lol. Between you and then Kevin and I having lunch with Janet (it was so great to see you again, Janet!!), things started feeling better. And then when we came home and I read the comments I realized that I needed to kick my attitude back into place.
So here I am. Back to feeling better. Or almost anyway...
First 2 from the Nov kit!
6 months ago