I am having a little pity party tonight. I am struggling a bit with having to be in one little room again. It's just so hard because I can't even leave it for a few minutes because Kevin can't fend for himself enough. Even if he's asleep - I still need to sit here. The worst part is that he has been sleeping nearly all afternoon. This means that I have to have the lights off, I can't watch tv and I can't talk on the phone. I just have to sit here quietly, in the dark, and it just plain out stinks.
I personally don't even understand why we are still here. They don't plan on doing any kind of surgery until mid-June so send us home. It's not cheap for us being here, not by the time we rent a car and have to eat out all of our meals again and it's really not in my budget to be here unnecessarily.
I think I am just hitting a bit of depression myself. It's hard for me watching Kevin go through everything he is going through and it's also hard to have to deal with my own feelings. Yes - I know that we are lucky, we are so lucky that Kevin is alive - but it doesn't change the fact that everything is so different for us.
I personally have nothing. To be my age and have no medical coverage, no pension, no home of my own, no job, no income, and no possible way to keep my credit score high - just sucks. When (and I mean WHEN) Kevin is well enough for me to move on, I will have no way to do so. Everybody checks your credit before allowing a person to rent from them. You always need to have a job and let's be honest - who is going to hire a woman who is close to 50 years old before they would hire a person who has many years to give to a company? And truthfully - will I even be able to work? I have probably mentioned here and there that I have a degenerative neuromuscular disease. Well, I can't even have it treated because I no longer have insurance. My right hand has been tingling something fierce the last few weeks and that's just too bad, isn't it?
It's just awful scary to be in such a position. It really is. I just wish when Kevin wanted to enlist I would've tried harder to talk him out of it. We both paid the near ultimate price - and I think it's sad that only one us will be taken care of for doing so.
Which brings me to my next point - I just don't think it's right that the government doesn't take care of those of us that are full time caregivers for the soldiers that will never be the same again. I mentioned more than once that all of us parents and spouses should pick a day and put our loved ones into a nursing home and see how the government reacts. I read that it costs $27,000 a month for a nursing home patient - so just pay us even $2000 a month to cover our bills. Give us some respect and give us our own self-worth and dignity back.
Damn. I think I just need to shut up and go to bed. There's nothing else to do while sitting here in the dark at 9:13 in the evening...
(I will probably regret this post tomorrow, but this is how I feel right now. And NO - I am not having a breakdown either - this is just an awful trip)
First 2 from the Nov kit!
6 months ago