Day 365 - May 31, 2009

It was somewhere around 2:30ish on a Saturday afternoon and I saw that Breezy was calling my work phone. I thought that was odd, because we had just talked a little while before while I was at lunch, but I answered anyway. She was crying and I couldn't really understand what she was saying. I finally realized that she was telling me to just come outside and I remember thinking - for goodness sake - I am so tired of all the drama with her and her boyfriend. It never once occurred to me that it could be anything else.

But, I did walk outside to see what was going on and she was just holding her stomach and sobbing and screaming "I can't tell you! I can't say the words! I just can't tell you!" I honestly just had no idea what was going on. I finally got her to stand still long enough for her to really look at me and she just broke. She handed me this piece of paper with a phone number on it and said that Kevin had been injured.

I went into shock first and then denial. There was just no way. How would she find out before me?

But she did (and that's a whole different story).

So her and I ran back into the office that I worked in with the rest of my department and I remember slamming the door and we were both crying so loud and shaking so badly. Matter of fact, my hands were shaking so violently that it took many tries to get the phone number dialed. I had to keep hanging up and trying again and finally I had Breezy hold my wrist still long enough for me to punch in the numbers.

I did manage to get through and talk to someone at whatever department of the Army they had me call and he just told me that at that point Kevin was alive, but that his wounds were extremely severe and he was in very critical condition. They listed all of his injuries and it turns out that the list was in no way accurate.

I was still shaking so bad and just crying and I honestly just couldn't imagine being the person on the other end of the line. I remember thinking about that at the time that he was telling me things - my mind was just going off into all different directions - and I realized that I needed to write everything down. I had to have Breezy write it all because I truly couldn't even hold a pen.

I think I lost a bit of time at about now because I don't remember what happened next, but somehow I just shut everything down and started to leave work. I didn't care that my day wasn't done - but I did try to tell a supervisor and when she couldn't acknowledge me because she was on the phone - I just started to leave.

As I was headed for the door - my friend Cathy saw us and I think she new immediately. I'm sure she (and everyone) assumed the worst, but I did tell them he was still alive. Cathy took me and Breezy home and from there - I couldn't tell you. I have no idea how long she stayed. I know that I called my family - but I don't remember doing it. I assume I called Moe and everyone else too - but I don't remember that either.

I do vaguely remember people coming in and out. Personally - I just wanted everyone to get lost. I know a couple of Breezy's friends came over and one of them just kept talking about going out and how they had to figure out where they were going that night and I think I told Breezy to get her the hell out of my house. I know that so many of my friends came too, as did my sister. I really just wanted everyone to go home.

I know that I didn't sleep for days. I was told I could call every 8 hours and get an update, but I admit that I did call more often than that. They never had anything new to tell me anyway, but the unknowing was just killing me and I had to do something.

That was probably the worst part. If I had been a wealthy person - I probably would have been on a plane to Landstuhl (sp) Germany to see him. I just needed to see him and make sure he really was alive. To make sure he was okay. It was unfathomable to me that my baby was so seriously wounded all the way on the other side of the world and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I mean seriously - maybe they made a mistake, right?

But we all know they didn't.

I think I lay in the fetal position in my master bath on my pink shag rug for hours over the next couple of days. It was the only place I could go that people would just leave me alone. I do remember one time someone knocking on the door and I just screamed for them to go away and leave me alone and it turned out to be Breezy. She came in and we just held each other and sobbed for such a long time while laying there on the floor. She was the only person that could even begin to understand what this was like. Her and Kevin had always been so close and I knew she would never make it through this if the worst should happen - she had already lost so many people around her - including her best friend.

You guys just can't imagine the despair. You wonder if he is going to make it. And how you will live if he doesn't. And things are just foggy sometimes because it's like you are a zombie. And then there's the disbelief - I mean this really can't be happening, right? It's just someone's idea of a sick joke. Or it is a mistake. And then there's anger - I mean how can they send 19 year old kids over to place like that? How can they not train them better? Longer? And sometimes this little ray of hope shines through - just not very often. It's often enough to keep us going though and that's all we need.

We pretty much all know what happened next. It took 2 days for me to see my son. Cathy drove us to the airport and upon arrival, our liaison took us straight to the hospital. As I mentioned in my post on June 4 of last year - I did faint immediately upon seeing Kevin. I just couldn't imagine this person being my baby. This person had no lips and goggles on and a ventilator and was completely covered in bandages. Only his toes stuck out. I didn't think it was Kevin - there was so much hope there that maybe they really did make a mistake - but Breezy told me to look at the toes - they were definitely Kevin's. Darn her for being so sensible when I needed to think that the Army messed up and Kevin was somewhere eating slop in a tent.

I can't begin to tell everyone how horrifying those days were. We have had so many horrible days in the past year, but I have to be, and am, thankful that Kevin is still alive.

To Andrew's family and to James' family too - we ended up being lucky and I am so incredibly sorry that it didn't work out that way for you. I did cry a lot on the ride home today and it wasn't because of what we have lost - I am the type of person that will always make the best of what I've got - but it was because of the loss of both Andrew and James. For all of the horror that we went through - we, at least, had a possible light at the end of the tunnel. You did not. I just want you all to know that your boys will never be forgotten by anyone in my family and if there is anything that we can ever do for any of you - please don't hesitate to ask. I also sincerely hope that your pain has lessened in the past year and I wish a full recovery for Daniel and as any mother would wish for - for Kevin too.

May James and Andrew Rest in Peace.

Day 364 - May 30, 2009

Tomorrow is the day...

But I just can't think about it yet.

So, we are smack dab in the middle of South Carolina tonight. Don't ask me the name of the town as I would have no idea, but the desk clerk told me we weren't near Georgia yet. Darn. I sure wish we were closer to home.

But we did drive about 12 hours today so it shouldn't be too bad for the rest of the trip. I'm glad. I am forcing myself not to think about what tomorrow marks until I do get home and can give it free rein. I can't be bawling in front of Kevin, now can I?

And now I am off to bed. Another short post as I am just so tired.

Day 363 - May 29, 2009

I am actually going to skip writing tonight because I still have to get everything packed and ready to roll tomorrow.

We did have an awesome day, but I have to apologize to anyone that made the trip out to EB and missed us. It was just so cold out and truthfully - Kevin is just at the end of how much stimulation he can handle. I think we were only there about a half hour, but I promise we will do better in July. At least the weather should be a little better.

Anyway, assuming there will be internet in the hotel we stay at, I will write tomorrow. If I don't post, then I will catch y'all the next night.

Day 362 - May 28, 2009

We had a pretty good day today. For the beginning of the day, Kevin was kind of tired and cranky, but he made up for it tonight. He was with all his buddies while I went out to dinner with the girls I used to work with. As soon as Ronnie and Evan and Grant all walked in - he was in fine form.

After a few hours, most of the guys left and after I got home, Ronnie's family all came to visit. They are such nice people and I can see where Ronnie became such a fine young man. He has been with Kevin most of the week and it has made Kevin just so much more of his old self.

Here is a photo of the whole group:



And here is some video that Ronnie shot:



It's just amazing to see Kevin walking without his cane, isn't it? Geez...I think he even walks better without it - probably because he doesn't have to lean to the side to get down to cane height. I don't know why, but rest assured - he will be walking more without it now that I know he can.

And tomorrow will be our last day here in PA. We are heading home on Saturday (so far anyway) because we need to go home and just rest for a few days before heading back to Texas. So as I mentioned in the tweener post - we will be at the playground in EB tomorrow at 2pm for those that would like to send us off. It's going to be very hard for us to leave, but we need to get back to therapy if Kevin is going to continue to improve and that's the only thing we can really focus on for the next year or so. I'm sure you can all agree that we have come through some horrific times, but now the down and dirty work begins. I personally think that the last year was harder on me than Kevin - because he doesn't remember hardly any of it - but the next year is definitely going to be harder on him. It's going to take some hard work and quite a few surgeries to improve his quality of life.

And since y'all seem to be along for the ride? Well...I hope we can all get through it together.

An In-Between Post

We are planning to leave on Sat because I think Kevin has really had enough stimulation for a little while. We are at the point where he is sleeping a lot and that tells me it's time to go back to FL.

So...because there are so many people we didn't get to see yet (or even didn't get to see enough of) we are planning to go to the playground pavilion in East Brady tomorrow (Friday) at 2pm and stay until Kevin just can't stay any longer.

We would like to invite everyone that would like to meet/see him to come and just BS with us. Real friends, blog friends, you name it - we'll be there.

Day 361 - May 27, 2009

Well, the visit with Tim was relatively painless. I actually left Kevin with him while I ran to pick up dinner and Tim was only here about an hour or so, so I was able to handle it. I was really worried about how Kevin was going to manage it, but he seemed so blase about it that it was like he was seeing someone from the grocery store or something. I suppose that's kinda how it is - they don't really know each other at all. So that's it for a while and now things can resume back to normal.

And unfortunately my battery in my camera died. I forgot my charger so it looks like I may have to wait until I get home to download today's photos. I will just have to use my phone for the rest of our trip too. I think we are leaving Saturday so we will be ok.

And today we had the Pittsburgh Post Gazette following us around throughout the afternoon. I believe they will be doing a feature on Kevin sometime in July. Very nice people they were.

And to end tonight's post because I am still so tired, I plan on being at my old workplace tomorrow with Kevin around noon in the cafeteria downstairs. I don't think we are allowed in the building, but (as suggested) the cafeteria is a public place. I sure hope my old friends and coworkers can stop down and see us. It's hard to have had all these people in your life daily and then BAM! you're gone. I miss everyone and I actually miss having a job. You would all laugh to know that I was at the bank one day a couple months ago and I had to use a paperclip and I got all teary. Just using a paperclip for goodness sake...But it was part of my past life and it's hard when it's all gone in an instant.

Oh well, no need to go down that road...

Day 360 - May 26, 2009

Well...Kevin and I were both sleeping by 8pm last night. I sat on the couch and that was it. Thank goodness Breezy called or you guys just wouldn't have seen anything this morning.

But anyway, yesterday was a really good day for us. Tracy went all out and had a nice picnic with good food and a welcome home sign and everything. Kevin had quite a few of his friends show up and he really did have a good time. Here are some pics:




And sadly, yet again, I didn't get any pics of Tracy with Kevin. The only one I do have is of her standing behind him making rabbit ears, lol:



And before I forget - I hope everyone had a nice Memorial Day. I received some very nice photos of the service over on the other side of the USA from Jodi, Andrew's Aunt. I would like to post one or two, but don't want to do so without Jodi's permission. I would totally understand if she wanted it kept private as days like yesterday bring all of the pain of losing Andrew back. I'm sure there's pride involved as well, but the loss has to be prominent. (and Jodi - I just saw tonight you called? Don't have a clue how I missed it so I will try to call you back tomorrow)

And now I want to try to answer some more comments.

To the anon person that asked if that was the Sheetz in Kittanning - it sure was.

Lorraine, Rick and my good friend Kristen - I hope I do get to see you guys next time. Sorry you couldn't make it to the Allstars and the Cloud.

And I keep needing reminded about the list of words so here goes. I am sure I am going to miss some of them because the list is somewhere in a box at home:

Hi
Bye
Thanks
Thank you
Geez
Gawd
What?
No
Yes
We're not worthy (from the Wayne's World movie)
Hey you guys (from The Goonies movie)
Hello
Oh! Dawgs! (with a British accent - no clue if this is from a movie or what)
Open up
How long?
No way
I love you
I love you, Mom
Mom
Brianna (sounds like Bonna)
Why?
Hola (spanish for hello)
Money
Ow
Hey
Oooh
Ball
Water
Love
Dena (one of his nurses)
DeeDee (another nurse)
Steelers
Yep
Okay

I am sure I am missing a few...

He was able to say drink for about 3 days but hasn't been able to for months now. It's very strange because he gets stuck and just can't get past something. Like when he tries to say anyone's name it comes out as Mom because he is always calling me. I sure hope this gets better in time. It's so hard watching him try to say something and he just can't.

Now wish me luck - Kevin wanted to see Tim and he is coming tomorrow night. I just hope I can be civil...

Day 359 - May 25, 2009

Hey it's Breezy. I just called mom and her and Kevin are sleeping. She wanted me to get on here and let everyone know that she will write tonight if she wakes up but if not then she will tomorrow. They had a busy day today. Thanks again.

Day 358 - May 24, 2009

I had a great time last night, but even better - so did Kevin. To begin with him, it was very upsetting for him to be going to my sisters overnight and he was adamant that he wasn't going. I know it was more separation anxiety than anything else, but it all worked out in the end because his friend Ronnie picked him up and they took off for a night out. Here are some pics of the two of them leaving for the night. You may think Ronnie looks familiar and that's because he visited us in Florida a few months ago.




Kevin was just so excited to be going and doing something with Ronnie. He was grinning from ear to ear. And something great too - Ronnie couldn't remember how to get to my sister's and Kevin directed him right to her house.

Once there, a bunch of his friends (and my sister and her family) got together for a bonfire. I am told Kevin had a blast and stayed up quite late just hanging out. Here are some photos of that:




Kevin is really having a good time while we are here and I can't wait to see how he does tomorrow at the picnic.

And, as I mentioned, us girls had fun too. I only took one picture (and that was at the beginning of the night), and here it is:



Today we hung around my sister Kim's all day and I got to visit with some of my friends from waaaayyy back in high school!

After that we had pizza and then took some family photos. Here is my sister Dawn's family:



And this is my sister Kim's family:



And to finish out tonight's post, here is a photo of Kevin and I (because they are so rare). I think we have a natural photographer in our midst as my 6 year old nephew took this shot:

Day 357 - May 23, 2009

I won't be able to write tonight like normal because I will be going out with my friends, so I figured I would just drop a few lines today.

First, to all of my local friends - I will be at the Allstars at 9pm tonight so if you are from out of town, that's where we will begin our night. I don't care who comes - even if you are a blog friend - come and enjoy the night. I would love to meet all the bloggers too!

Now to all of Kevin's friends - we are having a get-together Monday around 2pm at Derek Jack's house. You can call either him or his mom (Tracy) at 724-526-5959 for directions or you can look for the Army tank in Brady's Bend and turn up that road. It's the house on the left corner of the curve in the road.

I would like to ask (please) that only people that were 'active' friends of Kevin's before he left for the Army come. I just can't have a hundred kids show up that Kevin barely knows. Sounds mean, but again - it's only to protect him.

And I am going to quickly touch on just a few of the comments from the past few days.

Lisa - no worries about the pool - it's already covered. His french doors lock with a key and I have it. Also, an alarm system is being put on all 5 exits in the house so that I can hear should he try to 'escape', lol.

Long Time RN - everyone thinks Moe and I are sisters. If we had a buck for every time we have been asked that we would both be so rich, lol. After probably the fiftieth time, we gave up trying to explain and now we just go along with it.

To Shari and everyone else that would love to see us - it will probably have to wait until the next trip. Our schedule is so packed because I have to limit the amount of activity in the day. Only getting 10 days to be here really isn't much. I'm sorry - but July is right around the corner and I am hoping we can stay longer at that point.

Retta - the renovations weren't finished when we got home from TX, but they were supposed to by yesterday. As for the pool, it can't be started until the other renovations are completed so maybe Tuesday they will start digging. I hope most of the noise is done before we get back from PA (although we will only be in FL a week or so before heading back to TX so it probably doesn't matter much)

Miss Em - is Austell anywhere near Rte 95?

Barbara - don't worry. When Kevin really starts to ride a skateboard he will have to wear a helmet. I'm sure it will be quite a fight, but that's the way it's going to be.

BigD - I would love some info for the Dew Tour. We are less than an hour from Orlando and I know Kevin would love that!

And now I need to get around and end this post. I do want to finish with a big surprise. Kevin and I discussed him seeing Tim's parents - Kevin's grandparents. I did call them yesterday and they came to visit today. Very hard for me as I do have a bit of resentment at how they ignored my kids. However, I am trying to be adult and let go of it all and all in all I think the visit went well. So I am going to end with a photo of Kevin with Fred and Louise:

Day 356 - May 22, 2009

Whew! What a day again! Kevin is really doing well, but we did have to 'get away' for a while this afternoon. It was understandable because we were sitting along Main St under a big shade tree so there was a ton of traffic (small town traffic - not city traffic, lol) and so many people stopped to chat when they saw us. Ahhhh...we sure love being home...

We did manage to make it to the high school today and we saw lots of people we knew and I got to meet Pat and I saw Lori and some of the other teachers too. Kevin just kept remembering everything and he really had a great visit. Here is a photo of Kevin with Pat and the next one is of him with his friend Levi:




I have to laugh because every time we drive past Levi's house Kevin is frantically trying to get me to stop and see him.

This next photo is of Kevin with a young boy who holds such a very special place in my heart. His name is Levi too and I missed him so very much. He used to come and stay over and we would just have the most fun. I love you, buddy!



And then this evening Moe came over and we ordered pizza and then we drove back over to Brady (we are staying in Butler) and visited some more. Kevin went into the grocery store again and he just walked and walked and walked. He never once took a break and I was so surprised.

For those of you that didn't know - Kev used to be a stockboy there and it was so funny because Tracy (his old boss) told him to get in the back yesterday and start unloading the truck and Kevin started to head that way. I seriously think he would've done it too if we'd have let him, lol.

And that about sums it up for today.

Day 355 - May 21, 2009

Kevin did so remarkably well today that even I was amazed. He was able to handle almost everything - the only thing he couldn't was all the birthday singing at Texas Roadhouse for dinner.

So to begin our day (lots of photos today) we went to my work and visited with my friends. It was just so nice to see everyone and I regret that I didn't take one picture while there. I do plan to go back and visit again so I will at that time.

We then went to the grocery store where Kevin worked and we hung out there for quite a while. Kevin walked into the store instead of riding in his wheelchair and the first person he saw was Moe. Fitting - as she is his second mom. Here is a pic of the two of them:



After that, we went up to the Allstars for lunch and that pizza with ranch dressing, bacon, onions and green peppers was even better than I remembered! Heaven, I say!

While we were there, some of Kevin's friends came down and here is a pic of Kevin getting in Evan's face. Kevin was a ham all day and had everyone laughing their butts off.



This photo is of some of the 'gang' that got together while we were having lunch. Notice Kevin's not even holding onto his cane - he is holding his beloved skateboard! (oh, and I don't think I mentioned yet that Kevin has been taking steps without his cane so he probably won't be using it much longer)



This next photo is of Kev and some of the guys. They had gotten everyone to sign a 'get well soon' skateboard and Kevin was checking it all out:



Here is Kevin checking out his very own skate park:



And these next two he is 'skating'. Notice he is trying to actually jump his board (Ollie?) I'll bet he is doing it by next year:




This next photo is of Kevin and one of the councilmen (Jeff) who came down to unlock the skatepark (not sure why it was locked? defeats the purpose if you ask me...). If y'all read the comments, Jeff posts sometimes and it was a real pleasure to finally meet him.



While at the park, Tracy called and we then popped over to her house for about 15 minutes and I stupidly didn't take pics there either.

And then we went to dinner and here is a 'family' photo. It's of Moe and her boyfriend, then me, then my sis Kim, her mother in law Anne, down to Kevin, my nephew Michael and my bro in law Joe:



We really had a great day all around and I can only hope that Kevin continues to handle everything so well. I have a funny feeling that it is going to be awful hard to go back to Florida...

Day 354 - May 20, 2009

This is Breezy. Mom is not able to write tonight because the cable wasn't turned on yet. She wants to let everyone know that they made it home fine and that she will write tomorrow night.

Day 353 - May 19, 2009

The question shouldn't have been whether Kevin could handle the ride - but could I? Holy crap! He just wanted me to drive straight through and there was no way. I am old. I am tired. And my body hurts from sitting in the same position all day.

He, on the other hand, gets to recline in his seat, has pillows under his head, his shoes off and has total control of the radio and everything else in the vehicle. He was even telling me how to drive - pass, don't let that car pass you, don't stop to pee, you name it.

I tell ya - he has it made. I don't think any of us should feel bad for him anymore - y'all should feel bad for ME! LOL!!

So needless to say - we are on the North side of Charlotte, NC and we should make it home in the evening sometime tomorrow. We drove about 10 hours today and I really could've handled it if Kevin would have let me sleep last night. I think he was just so excited to go home that he was wound really tight. But, because he didn't allow me to sleep - I am signing off very early and going to bed.

And before I forget - to the locals of EB - Kevin will be occupied on Sat night and I will be out with Moe and the gang - so stop by either the Allstars or the Cloud and see me. I couldn't advertise it when I went home the last time because it was a birthday surprise trip (not to mention that it was very last minute) - but this time, I sure hope to see everyone!

Day 352 - May 18, 2009

Yay! We are going home! We only got 15 days leave so I am hurrying around here getting everything ready to leave in the morning. I so wish we would've had the extra time, but that's a whole different story and I don't have time to get into it right now.

I do need to cut this short because I still have so much to do. I am still packing, doing laundry, trying to get Kevin to go to sleep and cleaning out the fridge, etc.

We ended up having to rent a car because the check engine light came on in the van, so we are cruising in style (so glad I asked for a free upgrade :-) ) and I surely hope that Kevin can handle the lengthy ride.

And as an FYI - if I don't write tomorrow night it's because the hotel we will end up staying at won't have free wi-fi. Usually they all do, but I am just warning everyone in case...

So, did I mention we are FINALLY GOING HOME???!!!!

Day 351 - May 17, 2009

Today I left Kevin with my parents for the afternoon and I went and did some shopping. I was supposed to do something fun, but I was still a little blah after all of the emotions from last night so I didn't plan ahead and find something 'fun' to do. So I just shopped for things that Kevin doesn't have the patience to look at. Boring!

Other than that, Kevin did a lot of sleeping today. I think he's trying to catch up because he really hasn't been sleeping well lately. He tries - he really does - it just doesn't work some nights. I suppose it's part of a brain injury...

And I do believe we will be coming home to EB this week sometime. I don't have specifics because of his leave not being approved yet, but I want to take the time to explain/request some things before we get there. Basically - this post is to prepare everyone for Kevin.

First - Kevin can't handle a lot of noise or stimulation. I don't mention it much, but we really do sit in a silent environment about 95% of the time. Very rarely does he watch tv with the sound on (if he has it on it is muted), maybe once every two weeks he will listen to the radio in the car, he doesn't even touch his iPod anymore and most of the time he can't handle a lot of people around. This is not to say he is reclusive because sometimes he is just awesome to be around - laughing and joking and having a good time - it's just that those times are rare throughout the day. I always focus on them though because it keeps us going.

Second - Kevin has no social niceties and if he is over-stimulated he will just wheel/walk away. Don't take offense - it's just him taking care of himself.

Third - I have no idea what (or who) Kevin is going to remember and what (or who) he's not. Please don't be hurt if he doesn't remember you or things you have done together. He honestly can't help it.

Fourth - remember that Kevin can't really be in the sun much. If you see us outside, we won't be out there long and we won't be able to 'chat' unless we go inside.

Fifth - I have no idea how Kevin is going to handle seeing his friends while knowing how much he has changed. The hardest part will be him not being able to talk and it won't surprise me if he takes it hard for the first couple of days. The next thing is going to be how different he looks. He may slide into a depressed mood while we are there and if that happens - we will leave for FL earlier than expected.

Sixth - remember that he can't read everything and doesn't know all of the normal basic things. He also often gets confused. I asked him to turn the light off twice yesterday and he had no idea what that meant. He's come a long way - but he still has a long way to go. And I would like to request that you just take it in stride if he is confused and not laugh at him.

I only ask that everyone understand that Kevin is very different than he used to be - yet in so many ways he is still the same ol' Kev. Don't be afraid to approach him, but just be aware that he's changed.

And I know...I'm being too protective...but honestly - he may not be able to handle all of this and I need all of us to be prepared for it. I am preparing myself too because I go through it all with him and if this trip is rough for him, then it's going to be rough on me too. I have to go in with my eyes wide open and ready for all possibilities and this is my way of doing that.

So sorry if I have offended anyone by asking for special considerations - it's just that I know everyone is going to be as excited to see us as we are to see you and I just needed to put the changes in Kevin out there.

Now keep your fingers crossed that we get 30 days leave and not 15 (or I should say leave at all - you just never know). 15 will mean a whirlwind trip with barely any time there. 30 will give us a week or two. We do need to come home to FL and rest before heading back to Texas before the middle of June so I do want to try to be back here around the 2nd or 3rd...

Day 350 - May 16, 2009

Honestly, I just don't think I have it in me to really write much tonight. It's strange and some of you will think it's just plain out weird, but I just watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy and it nearly killed me. It brought all of the emotions out for Kevin that I felt in the beginning - partly because he looked a little like George did after George stepped in front of the bus - both from his wounds and then later when he was in his uniform. It was also so like I imagined Kevin's initial surgeries were - before he even left Afghanistan. It's really just too much because I just keep seeing George and Kevin all rolled up into one person.

Crazy, I know...but sometimes the weirdest things set me off on a crying jag and this time - it's effected both myself and Breezy. She feels exactly as I do and we both agree that if George lives - we will not be able to continue to watch it. It's just too close to home and we can't 'go through' it again - even if it is a TV show.

Ok - so just ignore all the rambling about a stupid show and I will 'talk normal' tomorrow night...

Day 349 - May 15, 2009

There will just be no stopping him now. YAY! When Kevin started walking really well while in Texas, I told him he could not use his wheelchair at home anymore - he had to walk around the house. Today he did just that and I no longer even watch him. I was very happy to see that he always puts his brace and shoes on before walking as it's so important for his balance and he just goes wherever he wants now. Today he even went outside on the lanai and plopped his butt down on the beach chair I have out there.

Matter of fact, here is a pic of him just sitting there relaxing:



Just look at that grin on his face...

Nothing else really happened today. We stayed home and I cooked a nice meal for just the two of us and we just relaxed all day. I did spend some time on the phone trying to get this con leave set up and (of course) it's nothing but a hassle. I don't feel like getting all worked up again though so I am not going into it. I am, however, going to focus on some of the comments/questions from the last week or so.

To everyone that was worried about me being upset from the advice and responses to my posts - it just comes with the territory and y'all should know that I don't get mad/upset easily. Basically - this blog is written for me to let my feelings go and for Kevin to be able to read one day. I have to be honest and say that I never expected it to become an 'interactive' blog, but I feel that things always happen for a reason and this is just how it's supposed to be (and I don't know what I would do without all the support - I love you guys!). That being said, you should all know that I respect every opinion and suggestion. I don't always agree, but that's what differences in people are about. So anyway, I do appreciate it all and I know that nearly all of you have our best interests at heart.

One more thing about that though - when I come back with a response to someone's post and I don't agree with what a person has to say - I never do it with malice or anger. It's just my take on it and it allows you to know what I think of an opinion.

And Jessica - I'm a 'fixer' too so no worries, lol.

Lucy Jane - I miss Vinnie so much! That boy was only Kevin's roommate for a few weeks, but he touched this spot in my heart so much. I wish I had time to do the Facebook thing too, but I just don't.

BigD - you mentioned your son going back into the hospital - is he doing ok?

Gretchen - OMG! I miss you so much! I was just reading your blog the night before you posted and I see you moved back from France! Did you have that baby yet? LOVE YOU!

Alison - how's the new job going?

To those that mentioned the big brother possibility - I really like that idea. I would love to have someone around Kevin's age that would do things with him. He has come so far, but our world is so small. It's mostly just me and him and I believe that is hard on both of us. It's probably why my posts are so long. It's not easy living with someone that can't have a conversation and when I am posting I am essentially 'talking' in my head to everyone. I'm sure it's the same for him - he really needs some guys around.

Mommaski - can you see if there are any sky soldiers that are in their early twenties that would be interested? If there isn't anyone in that age bracket - I will look elsewhere. I really want him to have 'friends' and they need to be around his age.

If that doesn't work - I will check with the VFW (thanks Em!)

That would just be so great for him...

Day 348 - May 14, 2009

We are HOME!! I got the call at about 7am and we had to be at the hospital by noon today. I can't begin to tell y'all how wonderful it is to be home. Kevin was just one happy person all day. What a transformation.

And I am not going to write anything much tonight because we just spent the day in flight and I am too tired to type a lot.

In the meantime, you may all remember that we had lunch with my friend Janet last week and I would like to ask that everyone keep her son, Matt, in their thoughts for a little bit. He had surgery today and it didn't turn out as they had hoped. He will be fine, but it just could've been better.

Catch everyone tomorrow.

Oh - and to the person that asked where we would like to be on day 365 - home in PA. I am working on that right now - there's a little thing called convalescent leave and I have put in for it. If we get it, Kevin and I are driving to PA and it is my goal to be there on his anniversary. He wants to come home so bad and I do too.

Wish us luck!

Day 347 - May 13, 2009

Kev and I are getting really lazy, lol. We have fallen into this routine of getting up at 9 for meds, falling back to sleep for another hour or so, getting showered, going for lunch, going to PT, taking a real long nap and then going to dinner around 7 or so and coming home where we maybe walk a bit and then he goes to bed and I sit in the bathroom and type away.

I can honestly say that I am not a nap taker - or at least I didn't used to be. But man, I am really liking this 2 or 3 hour sleep at around 4pm. I hope it can continue when we get home, but I'll bet it won't.

So anyway, here are some photos that I took both yesterday and today. The first 3 are from The Alamo.





And these are from today. The first one is of Pam and Kevin. Pam is our favorite physical therapist!



And tonight we went over to the hospital and visited Marshall, Breezy's boyfriend. Here are some pics of the two of them joking around:




Now these last few are dedicated to Pam (PT). We used to discuss how Kevin loved extreme sports. Well, they have this ramp area that goes up to an auditorium and we always said that Kevin would probably love it if we took him up to the top and just left him go. Yes - Pam - here it is...just for you! Extreme Wheelchair Racing:

Concocting the plan (you can see the guilt on Kevin's face and I admit to being clueless at this point):



Still clueless. I was just thinking the boys were looking around:



I was starting to get a feeling here...



And at this point I had to jump out of the way or be run over!



And then comes the celebratory handshake at which point Mom is spastic.




Can you tell these guys are brothers? Marshall is also part of The Herd (173rd Airborne) and was wounded 2 weeks after Kevin. From what I see - these guys all have a special bond...

Day 346 - May 12, 2009

We skipped PT today and went to visit The Alamo. I had never been there and always wanted to go, but I just wouldn't leave Kevin the last time we were here. We had a good time and after touring it we went to the Guinness World Record Museum. That was a bad choice on my part as it was all reading and Kevin can't do that enough to have enjoyed it. We really should've went to Ripley's, but maybe next time.

I did take pictures, but the camera cord is in the car and I can't leave Kevin long enough to go get it so I will post them tomorrow.

And because I realized today that I haven't mentioned it yet - Breezy is back in Texas. She went home (to PA), but realized that she just doesn't 'fit' there anymore. So she hopped in her car and drove down here all by herself. As a parent, I was a nervous wreck to have her drive all that way alone, but there wasn't anyone that could come with her. She will be staying in Texas with her boyfriend so we will at least see her occasionally on all of our trips back and forth.

And to end this short post - our case manager finally put in the request to send us home. Now let's see how long it takes to get a flight together...please let it be quick...

Day 345 - May 11, 2009

Today was a pretty uneventful day. Kevin apparently wiped himself out yesterday with all that walking and didn't do his PT or much of anything else. He mostly slept all day.

We did find out that our case manager here at BAMC still hasn't done the paperwork to request our return trip home and frankly - I am starting to get pissed off. We have been here a week and a half already for no good reason. Just send us home already!! I really don't understand why he just won't get the paperwork done!

And here's a question some of you may be able to answer...can we just leave? Can we just drive back to FL? I mean, we aren't technically having any therapy (Pam is just working on his arm out of the goodness of her heart), so do we have to stay here? We have no appointments, no scheduled surgeries, nothing. Do we have to wait for the Army to send us home or can we just leave? I would really like the answer to that question because we really just want to go home (we were supposed to go home last Thursday and now he is saying it won't be before this Thursday). This one room thing is just killing us both. It would be different if Kevin was 'all there' mentally, but he just isn't enough for me to leave him up in the room all by himself for any length of time. And frankly - my butt hurts from sitting on the lid to the toilet all the time. It's the only place I can go to have a light on to write the blog and read while Kevin is sleeping. I don't think I have ever spent so much time in the bathroom in my life!

Well, time to read the fourth book I have read since we got here. I really wish I would've had The Shack and My Stroke of Insight while I was here. I could've at least gotten them both read...

Day 344 - May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms out there!

Kevin and I stayed home tonight and I actually cooked a nice dinner for us. We didn't really do anything at all today except go to Wal-Mart. Kev was adamant that we go so I figured he wanted to get me a card or something for Mother's Day. I was right, so I left him and hid around the corner and he picked out a card and went up to pay for it himself. Unfortunately, he handed the cashier his debit card and he doesn't know his pin number so I had to go up and act like I couldn't find him and help him out.

After he paid, he wanted to sit and sign the card and he made me leave. I, again, knew what he wanted to do and knew he didn't have a pen, but he didn't realize that yet. So I went about 20 feet behind him and watched him realize he needed something to write with and I went back up to him under the pretense of telling him I couldn't remember what I wanted to buy. He made the motion of the pen and I gave him one and miraculously remembered what I needed and I walked away again.

Here is a pic of him signing the card. My heart just melted.



After he signed it he wanted to give it to me right away. I was already teary eyed and I really lost it when I pulled it out of the envelope and it was a Winnie the Pooh "Congratulations" card and not a Mother's Day card. It just showed me all the more how precious it is that my son can think enough to know to buy me a card, even if he can't really read what's in it. It totally amazed me that he tried to do this all by himself to surprise me. Can you just imagine how strange it must be to be out there in the world doing something and you can't read or understand everything that is going on around you?

And then - we got back to the Fisher House and he must've realized that he didn't write LOVE, KEVIN on it (he just put KEVIN). He kept saying the word LOVE while holding the already opened card and a pen. So I wrote Love on a piece of paper so that he could copy it and he did so while I started dinner and he re-licked it so that I could open it again. Imagine my surprise that this time he had put $40 in it!! I have no idea where he got the idea to do that, but I cried again. What a sweetheart, huh?

And tonight Kevin and I went for a walk. I told y'all yesterday that I wasn't holding on anymore and I didn't. I took all of these pics with my phone.






This last picture shows how far it is to the hospital. Kevin actually walked about that distance tonight, with only 1 short break. I was so impressed and so proud.



Amazing, right?

Day 343 - May 9, 2009

Kevin and I actually went and did something fun today. We went to a safari that you drive through and this time Kevin made a new friend. Two actually, lol.

Here are some photos:




Kevin just loved it when the zebras were all over him. And it was hilarious because after the one was eating out of his hand Kevin curled his middle finger and made it appear like the zebra ate the end of it off and he started acting like he was suffering. It was so funny!

And then this ostrich came running over to the car because we had the window down and Kevin playfully freaked out while trying to hurry and put up the window. After he got it up the whole way I snapped a photo and Kevin continued to act like it was such a close call. Hence, the second photo with the funny face.




We really did have a good time and I vowed to do something every day while we have to be here. Not sure what's on the agenda yet for tomorrow, but I'll find something. I think it's a necessary diversion, don't you think?

After we got home we had some dinner and then we went outside and I allowed Kevin to walk quite a bit and I told him he was on his own, that I wasn't going to hold on anymore. He seems to do better when I don't hold on - probably because he has to. So I am going to remove his 'safety net' and make him learn his balance better. Of course, I will probably second guess this when he falls for the first time, but that's part of the process, I guess.

And I am sitting in the bathroom again writing this and I can hear Kevin in the bedroom practicing his words. He's just going through the list, but he gets quiet for a while sometimes while he tries to remember another one he might know. We haven't had speech therapy since we got here so I am glad to hear him doing it.

And speaking of the list of words, it is also in a box somewhere. Katherine, our speech pathologist, gave me his complete list and as soon as I find it I will type it all out for you guys. I remember someone asking for it a while ago.

And now my battery is almost dead so I need to sign off.

Day 342 - May 8, 2009

Kevin has been sleeping most of the day today so nothing much happened.

He did have PT and I guess it went very well. I keep having meetings while he is there so I am missing it.

I am told now that we may not be going home until Wed of next week, but that's not even a guarantee. Our case manager was supposed to fill out the application for our flight home and it wasn't done as of late this afternoon. I think I can safely say that it wasn't completed today so who really knows when we will go home. It takes days of planning for it to happen so the odds are slim it will be early next week. I hope it's soon. Kevin and I are both struggling with this one little room thing.

And speaking of that one little room - we finally got a new one today. I don't think I mentioned that the air conditioning didn't work correctly in our old room. Every night since we got here it was 85+ degrees in there. What we wouldn't have done for that last night though. Last night it was 55! We were so cold you can't imagine. I opened the window (something we are forbidden to do) to let some heat in and it only brought it up to the low sixties. Poor Kevin was shivering and my hands were so cold by the time I finished posting that I should've been checked for frostbite. I am so glad that we are finally in a normal room that is a nice cozy 73 degrees.

And now I am going to continue to sit in the bathroom on the floor and play Sim City 4 on the computer. I just went and bought it tonight so that I have something to occupy my mind with...

Day 341 - May 7, 2009

Thanks everyone for all of the kind words and comments. Believe it or not - I agree and already know everything y'all are saying. I know - more than anybody - exactly how far Kevin has come in the last 11 months. I remember what it was like when he was in a coma. I remember when the doctors told me he would never be more than three years old. I remember all of it. Every excruciating instant. And every wonderful one too.

The problem is that I am sitting here in the dark for hours. I can do nothing but think. I do this every night anyway and most of the time Kevin and I have had a good day so it's okay to think about it. But Kevin has been struggling with his emotions this trip and it is making me realize things that I have always been able to look past.

I do want to touch on some of the comments though and give my two cents, if possible.

Although I rarely think about what Kevin was like in the past, I don't ever want to totally forget who he was for the first 19 years of his life. To be honest, he is still mostly the same person - but vital parts of him are gone and I don't agree that I should not remember what was our past. I do agree that I shouldn't dwell on it though and I don't feel that I have ever done that for any length of time. A couple of days here and there - yeah, sure. I think that's acceptable.

I also don't agree that I am depressed. I think I have hit a rough spot, but that doesn't mean I am depressed. To me, depression is something that happens over weeks or months. It doesn't happen when you fly to another state and feel things differently. Maybe I am wrong though - do any of you feel that my previous posts sounded depressed? I am always open to being wrong (did I just say that out loud?).

As for the person that wrote that Kevin sees what's going on around him but must know he is a hero - there is the problem. Kevin doesn't even understand that word. All Kevin is seeing right now is what he has lost. He has no comprehension of how he lost it or why. I have discussed it with him, but he truly doesn't understand it. It would make all of this so much easier if he could comprehend what has actually happened to him.

Cathy M - I do agree that each visit will probably get easier. It's just like Kevin looking in the mirror and crying for the first how many times. Now he looks and just hams it up for himself. Next month will probably be much easier.

And to be honest - today was even a better day than yesterday. He still wants to go home, but he seemed to have a good time at PT with Pam and the guys in the gym. Pam? Will you PLEASE PLEASE come home with us? Kevin responds to you so well!

Jessica - fake it till you make it has always been my motto. And it works most of the time. That's how I have gotten through even the toughest of the last year, but no matter what - I am going to just have days where I just can't fake it.

Barbara B - I am about 1/3 of the way through My Stroke of Insight. I just can't find it since we moved, lol. It will show up eventually.

With also brings me to The Shack. I haven't seen it yet either, Janna. It's gotta be in a box somewhere...

And Barbara you also mentioned me writing a book. Many people have mentioned it and believe me - there is SO MUCH that I just don't share here - but I would have no idea on how to go about getting it published or anything like that. And frankly, I'm not sure I have the intelligence either. I will say this though...as we are moving into the one year mark, I do plan to 'remember' things and document them here. I can't remember what I wrote in the beginning, but I do remember how I felt. I want to put that to paper (ok - the black void called webspace) for Kevin to read about in the future.

And as for me getting a degree or going back to work - there is just no time now. Kevin is A LOT (underlined 17 times) of work. I don't usually even get to sit down for 5 minutes a day and when I do - I need to stay sitting because I am so on the verge of just dropping. This also goes along with the few emails I got telling me to start my own business. Contrary to popular belief - you have to work REALLY hard to succeed when you are self employed. I could never do that with Kevin how he is now.

And to the anonymous poster who told me to head on down to the Drop Zone and toss back a few? I'll meet you there!!! HAHA. Seriously - if I sat down and started drinking I would either A) fall off the barstool like a drunken idiot after just 1 drink or B) start crying and never stop. And I should also mention that Kevin and I went there for breakfast on Wed, but the gang had already left. I was so disappointed.

As for me filing for disability - I am still considered 'workable'. I think that blows the Medicaid out of the water too, doesn't it?

To Amy Grace - you mentioned us learning American Sign Language. I still haven't checked into it, but I plan to as soon as I have a few minutes. I am intrigued, to say the least.

Jodi - it was so wonderful to talk to you today - even if I did 'butt dial' you, lol. Between you and then Kevin and I having lunch with Janet (it was so great to see you again, Janet!!), things started feeling better. And then when we came home and I read the comments I realized that I needed to kick my attitude back into place.

So here I am. Back to feeling better. Or almost anyway...

Day 340 - May 6, 2009

I really wish I could say that I felt better - but I just don't. I know I mentioned everything about me last night, but truthfully - it's even harder watching Kevin go through what he's going through and just imagining how he feels is really rough.

I truly feel his pain. I can't imagine what it's like to be sitting in a restaurant with 20 soldiers in the same building and your mom having to cut up your food.

I can't imagine what it's like to watch soldiers stand while saluting as the flag is coming down the pole and you can't stand on your own.

I can't imagine how embarrassing it is to have to have your mom give you a shower every day.

Or what it's like to be so scarred in the face when we all know how we feel when we have a pimple or something as minimal as that.

I also can't comprehend what it feels like to have to go to the bathroom and your urinal is in the car and your mom ran downstairs to get a drink.

Or how scary it is when someone asks you a question and is expecting a response, and you can't answer them - even if you know the answer.

And what about not being able to play your XBox? One of the two things you loved the most? Which also brings out the utter sadness that he will never really be allowed to skateboard again. Pick the two things that mean so much to you and imagine never being able to do them again? Horrible, huh?

And let's not forget how devastating it must be to know that you are no longer able to do what you wanted to do - to go into the Special Forces and make a career of it all.

I have been watching him here and it's not been a good thing to be around all of these guys/gals. It was just so easy to feel lucky when you are only around people that are in the same boat as you are - with brain injuries. He is truly a miracle in that regard. But we aren't around people with brain injuries here and it has made his losses stand out so much more that even I am noticing them in a profound way. I think we just need to go home so we can go back to sticking our heads in the sand and dealing with things in a more positive way. I just can't seem to see the light here and I really need to - fast.

Day 339 - May 5, 2009

I am having a little pity party tonight. I am struggling a bit with having to be in one little room again. It's just so hard because I can't even leave it for a few minutes because Kevin can't fend for himself enough. Even if he's asleep - I still need to sit here. The worst part is that he has been sleeping nearly all afternoon. This means that I have to have the lights off, I can't watch tv and I can't talk on the phone. I just have to sit here quietly, in the dark, and it just plain out stinks.

I personally don't even understand why we are still here. They don't plan on doing any kind of surgery until mid-June so send us home. It's not cheap for us being here, not by the time we rent a car and have to eat out all of our meals again and it's really not in my budget to be here unnecessarily.

Grrr...

I think I am just hitting a bit of depression myself. It's hard for me watching Kevin go through everything he is going through and it's also hard to have to deal with my own feelings. Yes - I know that we are lucky, we are so lucky that Kevin is alive - but it doesn't change the fact that everything is so different for us.

I personally have nothing. To be my age and have no medical coverage, no pension, no home of my own, no job, no income, and no possible way to keep my credit score high - just sucks. When (and I mean WHEN) Kevin is well enough for me to move on, I will have no way to do so. Everybody checks your credit before allowing a person to rent from them. You always need to have a job and let's be honest - who is going to hire a woman who is close to 50 years old before they would hire a person who has many years to give to a company? And truthfully - will I even be able to work? I have probably mentioned here and there that I have a degenerative neuromuscular disease. Well, I can't even have it treated because I no longer have insurance. My right hand has been tingling something fierce the last few weeks and that's just too bad, isn't it?

It's just awful scary to be in such a position. It really is. I just wish when Kevin wanted to enlist I would've tried harder to talk him out of it. We both paid the near ultimate price - and I think it's sad that only one us will be taken care of for doing so.

Which brings me to my next point - I just don't think it's right that the government doesn't take care of those of us that are full time caregivers for the soldiers that will never be the same again. I mentioned more than once that all of us parents and spouses should pick a day and put our loved ones into a nursing home and see how the government reacts. I read that it costs $27,000 a month for a nursing home patient - so just pay us even $2000 a month to cover our bills. Give us some respect and give us our own self-worth and dignity back.

Damn. I think I just need to shut up and go to bed. There's nothing else to do while sitting here in the dark at 9:13 in the evening...

(I will probably regret this post tomorrow, but this is how I feel right now. And NO - I am not having a breakdown either - this is just an awful trip)

Day 338 - May 4, 2009

Whew! What a busy day. We met with so many doctors today it was unbelievable. We were also reunited with Pam and Melanie - the two occupational therapists that we just loved when we were here the last time. Y'all might remember Pam as the one that would jump in puddles just to get a smile out of Kevin. We sure missed both of them!

And it turns out that we won't be having any surgery while we are here. We will be coming back each month for a while and having surgery each time. Frankly, it's so tiring thinking about traveling back and forth, but I guess there isn't much of a choice if we want all of these things fixed.

We did have a rough emotional time today too. We began the process for the burns section of Kevin's med boards (the evaluation for discharging from the Army). Kevin had to stand naked and have many photos taken of all his 'defects'. That was rough. I could see him getting more and more upset because there were many things pointed out that I don't think he realized were issues. I sure didn't mention them, but they came to light today.

Immediately following the photos being taken, I could see Kevin was upset so we left the hospital and on the way out we passed a large crowd of soldiers. I think at that point Kevin realized exactly what he has lost - at least in regards to his career choice. He really loved being a soldier and it has to be hard to not be able to talk, walk or even cut up your own food - after being so incredibly strong and independent. How rough it was to watch him just start to lose it. I just about ran him to the car and we drove off quickly and I just kept driving so he could just cry. He truthfully has been upset on and off for the better part of the day. I guess this is just one more step in the process...

And Breezy is going home to PA tomorrow. It's time for her to get back to work as I can't afford to support her any longer. Kevin is doing better now too, so I don't need as much help anymore (if I keep telling myself that I will eventually believe it, right?). I think she is looking forward to 'going home' so the timing is really right. It's going to be sad though - both because we will miss her and because we want to go home too.

Oh well, it's just not in our cards...

Day 337 - May 3, 2009

It's just so nice to be back in San Antonio. It's like a whole different world here. Maybe it's because it's a military base, maybe it's because it's just such a wounded soldier oriented community, who knows. I just know that I missed it.

BUT - it is way hotter here than I remembered. Dang! It's going to over 90 degrees here every day for the next two weeks.

So anyway, we did go and visit some of the staff today and they just couldn't believe what they were seeing. We had a decent lunch at the hospital and then we got a different wheelchair. We were supposed to bring Kevin's, but it wouldn't fit on the plane, so we have a hospital loaner. Yesterday they gave me one for a 'larger' person and I could barely lift it to get it into the car we rented. Thankfully we were able to get a slightly smaller one today and hopefully tomorrow we can get an even smaller one.

And for most of the day, we were mostly just lazy and vegged out. We even took a nap - even after both of us sleeping 12 hours last night. We did go to dinner and then we came back and Kevin walked almost a 1/2 a mile. I was really surprised that he walked so far and he was just so proud of himself. Must've been all that rest, huh?

Now we need to get some more rest because tomorrow promises to be a busy day. We have many doctors and surgeons to see...

Day 336 - May 2, 2009

We finally made it. Thank goodness because there is no way I will EVER stay at that hotel again. You cannot even imagine the cockroach infestation I witnessed this morning in our room. I am not even going to talk about it because it makes my skin crawl that we actually slept in that place last night. NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

But anyway, we are here in San Antonio. It's nice seeing some of the people I knew from before. I have already seen Daniel (who was with Kevin in the Humvee) and he looks great. We are in a room at the Fisher House right next to him. I am anxious to see some of the 173rd guys that we used to see all the time when we were last here. The gang all gets together at The Drop Zone and has breakfast every Wed morning so I am hoping we get to go to it this week with Kevin. I guess it will depend on Kevin's surgery though. I sure bet they'll be shocked when they see him. I know his doctor sure was.

And the flight went really well. It was the same little plane we went in the last time going to Tampa. I think it's a Lear jet, but I can't be sure because it's not my area of expertise.

So anyway, Kevin is already snoring in his little twin bed. His feet are hanging off the ends so come Monday we are going to need a different room. Not only that, but the heat is actually on in the room - not the air - and it's over 80 degrees in here. We can't control the temp in our own rooms, so we have to suffer until Monday.

And I think I am going to sign off and go to bed too. The last few days have been exhausting and I feel like doing some snoring myself. It's only 8:30 here, but who cares, right?