Today started out pretty bad, but it did get better. When we went to therapy this morning Kevin got very mad for some unknown reason and just walked out the door and started walking home (about 7 miles). I left him go to see what he would do and he walked about a quarter of a mile before I went to get him. I was worried that he would be hit by a car as it is a busy parking lot and he really doesn't comprehend the need to watch for cars.
So we came home and I literally just dropped him off and I left him with his aide and I just drove around for an hour or so. Today was just one of those days that I wanted to just quit. Just go home. Forget about it. Not doing this anymore.
I so wish that was an option sometimes.
But it's not, so I guess I need to figure out how to deal with this person that is really no resemblance to the person I sent away to the Army.
And I'm sure that this is just a rough patch, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing it. It doesn't make it any easier dealing with it either. Kevin has just become so hard to be around most of the time. Both Breezy and I are really struggling for the most part trying to just figure out how to keep him happy so that we can get through the day with fewer tears.
Mary (our wonderful FRC) is always telling me that the second year is always harder than the first and boy - she is so right. Darnit!
So anyway, he did get into a better mood this afternoon and because I told him that things were going to change around here, Breezy and I went to a movie tonight. He had the option of going (he always does), but he preferred to stay at home so that's what he did. We are no longer going to just sit at home because he wants to lay in his room all day. Sometimes we will coax him to go, but sometimes we will just let him make the choice.
Breezy is planning to take him to the mall tomorrow though. We haven't been there in many months so it will be good for him to go. I am taking part in an online crop at ScrapMuse so the kids have to pretend that I am not home all day tomorrow. This should be very interesting, lol.
And that about sums up today so I will catch everyone tomorrow night...
First 2 from the Nov kit!
11 years ago
6 comments:
Dear Leslie ~ there are so many who read your posts, who might not respond, but I hope you can be a little comforted knowing that there are those who support you, because they have gone through similar situations.
You said..."person that is really no resemblance to the person I sent away"...that statement could not be truer. It does not matter, how the TBI occurred, depending on the severity of it, the person does change. And one does have to learn how to live with them all over again. Those who care for TBI patients, must learn to adjust their OWN personalities, as well. When once one would react a certain way, that no longer applies. You are dealing with a "new personality", and one who is struggling with his own awareness of the change.
Your friend, Mary, is right. The second year is the hardest. Why? Why wouldn't it be easier? Because with such a severe injury, and change in personalty, you are mourning the "death" of the original person. Life has changed. When A real death occurs, we are in such shock, that the first year is numb. Although the pain is so real it burns us each time we visit the pain, we are in survival mode. Adrenaline and sheer will take hold.
In the second year, the numbness has gone away (for most), and for the first time we see reality. We FEEL again. And when once we, muddled through the circumstances, we now see clearly, and it hurts. And in a TBI injury, there is the added awareness that this is it. It is never going to go back to the way it once was. And we wonder if we can survive that road.
But it does change. Please know, that slowly but surely it does change. To what extent depends on the injury. It also depends on the willingness and patience of the caretakers. You and Brianna are loving kind caretakers. The change, will occur. Not just in Kevin. Not just in you. But in the family, as a unit.
It is a roller coaster existence. But one which, with your strength and love, will have more ups than downs...eventually.
I know this is a long post. But I did not want you to feel that you are out there alone on this.
One more thing..to ANYONE who might misinterpret your "wanting to walk away". Let there be no doubt that feeling happens. BUT, it is not KEVIN you want to walk away from...it is the pain.
Much Love. Big hugs. many prayers. Always
So what does Mary say about year three? ;)
Enjoy your online time tomorrow! Time to take care of Leslie for a little while!
Well said Patricia. I'm reminded that in tragedies such as this one, you never get over it, but with God's help and the support from many, you manage to get through it.
Hi Leslie,
"went to therapy this morning Kevin got very mad for some unknown reason and just walked out the door"......
The TBI took away a lot but it did NOT take away the memory that he was a...SOLDIER...and...AIR BORNE. This is shown everytime he meets his Brother in Air Borne and by how he reacts around other soldiers that he has known or by those wearing the uniform. It showed by how proudly he stood on receiving his PH.
*He also remembers military discipline. A type of discipline he still can do when he wants/needs to have in order to accomplish the mission. It showed by his wanting to greet every person that stood in line to say hello and Thank You. It showed when he entered the Banquet Hall after he had rested for a bit and stayed and greeted everyone who wanted to meet him.
*He may remember many if not all of the challenges of becoming Air Borne and now he is not getting the callenge which of course is irritating and fustrating to him. He maybe trying to tell everyone this by getting angry and walking out of theropy.
He remembers being a Skate Boarder with all the Fun and Challenges of that sport. That's why he insisted on getting a certain type of Skate Board with a certain type of wheels. He may have come to the realization on the last trip to "Home" that he will not be doing Skate Boarding again. Another small death with all of the grieving and depression but the memory lives on.
Talk to his theropist. Maybe between the two of you you might be able to figure out how to incorporate the Air Borne and the Skate Boarder into the Theropy as a "Fun/Challenge" time for Kevin to feel and believe that he is accomplishing the mission each time. Use the memories "IF" it will get him to do the necessary theropy.
When Kevin finially receives his DD214 [release papers] and you are able to get an in-home theropist then the same type of discussion maybe needed there also.
Memories...
Challenge...
Irritations...
Frustrations...
Anger...
Depressions...
and the cycle never seems to ends.
Especially when the TBI may NOT allow him to fully Understand WHY even if he trys to tell you that he does Know WHY. There is a difference as we both know.
I think you can see where my thoughts have been stumbling around in a room trying to find the right door to push everything out so it makes sense.
The TBI and Injury took away a lot from a young MAN that is trying desperately to figure out the NEW Person that he has become and how to live with this NEW Person just as You and Breezy are too.
I know I wrote a book so I hope that you will excuse it "IF" anything made sense or could be used by You, Breezy or any of the Theropists.
Thoughts and Prayers to/for all of you.
Miss Em
Austell, Ga.
My heart aches for you. Patricia and the others have said it so well. It IS hard being the mom, wife, sister, of someone who has experienced TBI. I know it - been there, did that. It's like raising children - you know it really doesn't get better from infant to teenager to young adult - it just gets different and you learn to cope with it. It may never get BETTER, but it may get DIFFERENT.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers,
Hallie
PS - You and Kevin seem to take 3 steps forward then a step back, then he steps forward again and then slides just a little. Hopefully this is just part of the little slide back and soon the three steps forward will come again. It has to be a frustrating process, but you've come this far with flying colors!
I hope you had fun with your online crop today and were able to just immerse yourself in creating!
I don't have any advice for you in dealing with Kevin's frustration and anger, but know I'm praying for you and Breezy. From what you've said, it seems he does understand when his behavior is unacceptable and will respond to consequences for his actions. That's a good thing.
Stay strong and take care. Know that I'm thinking of you and keeping you, Kevin, and Breezy in my prayers.
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