Tonight I went to a support group of sorts. They meet once a month and there are both survivors of brain injury and loved ones/caregivers that go. Although I may or may not be hiding it from you guys - I am severely depressed. I think in part it's because I am just flat out exhausted. Only having help 15 hours a week is killing me both emotionally and physically. Kevin is just so much work.
I also seem to be crying at the drop of a hat lately too - mostly because we are nearing the third anniversary and moving into our fourth year and I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. There is no end to the round of therapies, procedures, doctor's visits, phone calls and battles anywhere on the horizon.
I wonder sometimes if I really have the strength to keep going.
Yesterday when Kevin was under anesthesia, I couldn't help but look at him and think of how tired I am of seeing my son hooked up to monitors, lying in a hospital bed, going through this procedure or having that surgery or going through any one of the million things that have happened to us since May 31 of 2008.
Will this ever end? EVER?
Because frankly - this life really sucks. For both Kevin and I. And Breezy too.
We are all still suffering so much. None of us have really dealt with what has happened to us - there hasn't been time to. We just keep 'wiping the sweat and driving on', but really - at some point shouldn't we be able to just sit down and rest? 'Cause I'm tired. And I know Kevin is too.
I really do try to come on here and be all positive all the time, but in reality - life isn't rosy. Kevin's life is really hard. And so is mine.
An example? I don't think I mentioned that Kevin had to quit walking around the neighborhood - something he was enjoying so much. His right knee is hyper-extending with each step he takes (meaning it's going too far back and pushing his muscle, tendons, etc. backward). He has been in so much pain and is back to using his wheelchair quite often now. He has always walked slow too, but now? Goodness, it hurts him so much he moves at a snail's pace.
Tonight he decided to try to walk to the mailbox though. I was shocked because he hasn't walked in weeks, but I told him to give it a shot. He did make it, but he called me on the way back and I had to run and get him. It's only two blocks away.
This breaks my heart.
It broke last night too when I was cooking dinner and Kevin grabbed his skateboard and decided to try to get on it in the living room. Obviously he fell and I had to turn the stove off and help him. He was so upset. He wants to skate so bad, but he just can't.
And it's just so sad to me that other than Ronnie, nobody calls him. He calls his old friends sometimes and they always have to hang up and they say they'll call him back, but they don't. Every time we go to the movies I tell him to turn his phone off and he always grunts and says 'WHY? Nobody calls'. He's right. Nobody does.
It's just all so heartbreaking to see him go through all of these hurts. And it's taking its toll on me. All of it is taking a toll on me.
I don't think I mentioned this, but when I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, he told me that if I didn't change my lifestyle I would be dead by the time I'm 50. So tell me, folks - how in the hell do I change it? What magic wand can I wave to make my son all better? Who can twinkle their nose and give us our lives back? Or better yet - where is the magic time machine that can take us back to the day before Kevin signed those papers to join the Army?