Saturday, September 4, 2010

Day 827 - Sep 3, 2010

We've hit a bit of a rough spot with Kevin. He has mostly been pretty angry since the plate went in. I think it's a toss up as to why; first because he is much more aware of the changes in his life and second because his head doesn't look as good as he thought it would.

There's really not much we can do about him being more aware - that's a good thing really, but in regard to the anger - it's just something he is going to have to work through. As for his head, the surgeon made note that they can take fat from Kevin's belly and inject it into the area of his head that is still indented. Kevin is demanding multiple times a day that the injection happens now. I keep telling him it's not going to happen yet and that just makes him madder. Personally, I am hoping he gets over it and we don't take this step. It's just another source of possible infection and I really don't want us to go through this again.

So he's been pretty rough to be around. He tried to run away last night and he ended up walking about a half mile with me following a few steps behind him. He broke down and sat against a light pole and just cried and sobbed and screamed "WHY?" over and over. It was really heartbreaking and I was crying right along with him. Breezy was just out of sight with the car because we knew he may walk too far to get back home and even she was just crying by herself in the car.

It really all just does suck.

Sometimes things are going really well and then sometimes they just really aren't. I don't really know what to do to help him through this and to make him happy. I am hoping the trip home to PA will work for a bit and then I think it may be time to find something for him to do. He just has to be medically stable first and we still aren't really there.

Oh well. I guess I'll figure it out somehow. Here's hoping I come up with a plan right quick...


Anonymous said...

I hope today's a better day.
Hugs to you!
Kathy in IA

Anonymous said...

Hope Kevin feels better today...

Anonymous said...

awww,Leslie, my heart breaks reading this post. I do not have words or suggestions or advise. I do know what you are going through as I face a husband everyday in excruciating pain who wonders if life is worth it... like you, I cry right beside him. Maybe this is just a down in the cycle. Maybe he'll need some help - be it medication or therapy, which I know would be difficult. The good thing - it's 2010 and not 1960 - the medical world is full of solutions. The problem? It's driven by the caregiver to speak up, to be persistant, to be knowledgable and to do lots of research. I'm sure there is somewhere (maybe in the private sector) who has a solution.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Cathy M said...

Oh gosh, just broke my heart reading your post!

I know you have tried, but, again, aren't there some support groups (not necessarily programs) out there to help with these terrible feelings of loss for you and/or Kevin? Would Walter Reed (or affiliates) have some suggested groups close to where you live? Sorry if you have already covered this, but I just keep thinking there is something out there that you/we are missing. There HAS to be something...

Hugs to you and your hero son,


Cathy M said...

You have probably already tried this but,

Anonymous said...

Also crying with you....and hoping for things to get better. It does seem that the awareness is a really good thing, and that his anger and upset while heartbreaking, is also totally appropriate. It is like he has not been able to go through the regular stages of grieving for what has happened to him. How could he? Poor Baby. It has been one thing after another for all of you and it does suck. It is wrong and unfair and it sucks and you all deserve to say and feel that. But being Kevin, and being you, I have no doubt that you will get through it. Hopefully as he continues to recover physically from the surgery he can get some therapy for the emotional stuff. Is that something that has been available but that he has not been able to take advantage of due to his medical status? It should be right?

Hugs from California.
Lisa D

karen said...

thinking of you three today and aching for you. I hope that his anger is a stage, and a stage with a path through ...

But Oh! How hard and hurtful and exhausting for you, even if he doesn't mean to ... you (and Breezy) are there for him so constantly. It has to hurt, even if it is not his "fault" ... and I know you were already struggling with the endlessness of the path.

Best wishes, and standing with you on the west coast.


Miss Em said...


If Kevin is becoming more aware of his situation then what you are dealing with maybe more than just an anger at the waiting for his head to look right.
You maybe dealing with one or more stage of PTSD. Make a phone call to the your co-ordinator and see if you can get him in to see a group of Wounded Warriors that are going through this same thing.
I know that he may not be able to express himself very well right now but these guys have been there and done that and can help him more than you think they can.
Sometimes it maybe just hearing another Warrior saying the same things that he is feeling to know that he is not alone.
Sometimes hearing what you have been saying "that he needs to wait until the doctors say he is ready for that step" from a senior Warrior will reach him when "Mom" words just go in one ear and out the other. A senior Warrior seems to carry more wait than a Mom does in many Warrior's eyes.

Now I'll go find my box of kleenex's had have a good cry for you and Breezy.

Life sucks and until it gets flushed down the drain it will more than likely just be a pain in the back-side.

Miss Em
Austell, Ga.

Pat said...

Leslie, I can't possibly know how difficult this is for you and Kevin. But I think this is a stage of "grieving" that he will have to pass through. I know we often think of grief being associated with death, but we grieve over a lot of things as you well know. And I do think there are "stages" of this type of grief as well. Grief/anger for what is lost, what once was and what will never be.

I hope today is a better day for you both!

bearlythr said...

I can only pray for you. My heart is with you both.

Long-time RN said...

((Hugs)) A tough time for all of you. Thoughts and prayers for you all.

Jessica said...

I'm so sad that Kevin has to go through all this and that you and Breezy have to see it. I'm praying that someone will come through and help Kevin work through his grief. Hopefully Mary will have some contacts that can help. Even if it was just one TBI veteran who came to your house and talked with Kevin. Just an idea. I know you'll find a solution and my thoughts and prayers are with you! Take care of yourself.