I ducked out for a little bit today while Joseph was here. I didn't have anything to do, so I went to the mall and just sat in the food court and talked to Moe on the phone. It's really a sad thing when there is nothing to do and no one to do it with.
But I got out, right? That's a good thing.
Other than that, we didn't do much of anything today. A couple games of cards and that's about it.
So I guess I'll answer some questions:
Janna - thanks for letting me know about the expanders. It helped that Grey's Anatomy had it on last week too, lol. Seriously though - I'm glad you mentioned how unattractive they are - I told Kevin it will just look like it did back in the beginning. He didn't seem to care, but that may change when his head actually starts growing.
And I'm so sorry - you probably told me at one time, but why did your son, Zach, have them?
(I should interject that I have retained very little from the beginning of this endeavor. If any of you told me things of your loved ones - more than likely I won't remember. Sorry.)
GrannieEv - you asked me whom the money belongs to - the VA field rep told me that the VA benefits are given to me to take care of Kevin. (although it's not my money and not one penny can be spent for my needs.) I suppose technically it is Kevin's money - he is just not allowed to touch it personally. He does get an allowance from the benefits, but even his allowance is audited as to how it's spent.
At this point, because Kevin has been declared incompetent, we have to ask for permission to buy anything major. Even to rent this apartment I had to have written permission. And they are strict about it too. Back in January I was having the fence put in and I went $4 over the limit without calling for permission first. I was at Lowe's, didn't know it would be that much, it was Jan 1 - a holiday, the installer was coming in the morning, so I just wrote the check. When I called a few days later to let them know I got screamed at and told if I did it again I would be stripped of my fiduciary duties.
Now I do understand that they need to protect the veterans from unscrupulous parents/spouses/siblings etc, but it just makes it so difficult for those of us that don't steal their kids' money.
What makes it even harder is that Kevin is far different than when we got him declared incompetent. Now he knows when he wants something and it's hard to tell him 'sorry - need permission first'. And let me tell you - he was really mad a while ago when we were picking up dinner and I only ordered for him. He asked why I didn't get anything and I told him I couldn't afford it and he pointed to himself as if to say he would buy it and I said 'no buddy, you can't buy my food'. He was furious. I have almost always paid for our meals before, but now that he's discharged from the Army he needs to start carrying himself financially. It's just hard for me - I am the type of parent that always takes care of the bill when we go out for dinner - it's just what moms do.
And I should say that I never used to tell him this stuff, I always kept the crap from him, but he is able to understand now and he should know what's going on. So he is more informed now about all matters. I am determined to get him as close to normal as I possibly can and this is a big step in that direction.
Cathy M - you asked about the pros and cons of declaring Kevin competent - we had the hearing back when Kevin was just emerging from his coma. It was necessary at that point for me to be able to make medical decisions concerning his treatments. He also would have never been able to protect himself financially or deal with any of the decisions that needed to be made on many subjects while he was hospitalized. This enabled me to fight all the battles that were necessary and make all of the decisions to protect him from anyone that he needed protection from. I was able to then take care of his bills and do his taxes, purchase the van for him and go round and round with the Army over his pay being incorrect every single month.
Now though? Now he makes most decisions himself. I discuss everything with him and treat him just like I would Breezy if I felt she wasn't making the right decision. There's guidance and there's control. I am striving for guidance.
I do think that Kevin could probably be declared competent right now, but I want to wait until the plate is put back in. He will have to go through 4 hours of psych testing for the courts and he won't be able to handle it right now. He would be in too much pain and I don't want him to go through that. A little longer won't hurt anyway.
Ok, I have rambled enough tonight so I am going to answer the rest of the questions tomorrow night.
First 2 from the Nov kit!
11 years ago
5 comments:
Les, you are such an incredible mother!! The fact that you've gone through the ordeal you've gone through, and you still manage to make good decisions for your children based on your intuition and knowledge about what is best for them....it is absolutely inspiring. You kind of completely rock!!!!
Good work, Leslie!
A.
Zack was born with extensive birth defects (Vertex congenital cutis aplasia) because his twin died in utero. It looked like an enormous burn on the entire top of his head. We too went through reconstruction and needed the expanders to cover that area. Also like Kevin, they had to be careful since pressure where there was no bone could have had devastating results. He looks great to me and almost all the scarring is covered by hair.
Reading this has reminded me of what a great "guardian" you have been: How you push, push, push for his independence every chance you get but you also have maintained enough control so that he doesn't suffer for his (decreasing by the day) lack of understanding. With all the stresses and sleep deprivation I don't know how you have managed this balancing act so well. Props to you.
I love how you parent.
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