Thursday, June 26, 2008

More Day 26 - June 26, 2008

Today was actually a pretty crappy day all around for Kevin.

I went in to see him at about 1:00 and the respiratory therapist came in just after I did and was giving him a breathing treatment. I know it's necessary, but the kid couldn't even catch his breath in between coughs. To add to it, physical therapy came in at the same time and started bending his fingers and working his hands so that the grafted skin doesn't become too tight. I understand the need for all of these things. The thing I don't understand is to be doing all of it at the same time. Each thing has to hurt. And mind you - Kev is only given pain meds once a day. So after a few minutes I watched Kev start to shake and shiver violently. And I do mean violently. I also watched his temp go from 38.4 to 39.1 in the span of 5 minutes or so. I was so scared. I thought that this was the end. That he was having some kind of panic attack and he was going to die. I was so incredibly scared.

I called the nurse in and she had everyone leave and we threw a heating blanket on him to stop the shakes. Because he was also being given blood, they had to send a culture to see if he was having a reaction to the transfusion. He wasn't - I honestly think he was just in a lot of pain from having it all go on at once and his body was reacting to it.

I was then shocked that they decided to do the spinal tap a half hour after this happened. I guess the labs showed that it wasn't a reaction to the blood and that his blood was finally thick enough. I am so glad that they got the test done, but poor Kevin. He was really put through the wringer - and at this point, it was only 3pm.

We weren't allowed back in until the 8pm visiting hour so I did go to a very nice dinner with a group of wounded warriors and an organization that came into town to spread some love. (no names but they have posted a comment within the last few days). I have to admit that I had a nice meal at Olive Garden and everyone was so incredibly nice, but I was a little frazzled from what all had been going on with Kev during the day. I can honestly say that I wasn't at my best.

So I went back to the hospital from 8-10 and when the nurse came out to get me, Kevin chose that moment to roll his head to the left. To my knowledge - he has not done that at all in the last 26 days. And as an FYI - he can in no way lay on that side of his head. His skull was removed and he has massive swelling on that side. The nurse and I hurried in to turn him back to his right side and we finally got him wedged correctly. After a few minutes though, I realized that the gauze was dripping on his left side. I asked his nurse and when she came in we worked at changing the gauze. After only a few minutes - the next piece was also soaked and dripping. I think we both realized at that moment that the fluid was coming out of his head. (OK - she probably realized it earlier but was too tactful to mention it to me). She went to call the doc and she came in and saw that it was indeed dripping from the stapled area of his head. She, in turn, called the neurologist and at that point the doc came in and added 3 more staples to the side of his head.

Now let me tell you - that is not something to watch. It killed me to see it because they didn't even give him anything for pain. The poor kid jerked in pain each time she did it. I just sat over on the garbage can and just cried. I kept saying "it's ok, Kev", but inside I really don't think it is. I feel so down tonight. It was just such a horrible day. And I am sitting here trying to cry quietly because my mom is sleeping and I don't want to wake her.

It was also just so hard to be in there today. Most days I honestly can handle it. but today was so hard. Probably because he was just not having a good day. But part of it is because his left eye (remember the right one is stitched shut) was wide open today. I kept thinking he could see me and I would get right down close to him and talk to him like he understood, and then I would move and his pupil wouldn't. I would then realize that he doesn't see me at all.

And of course, this makes me think he may never see me at all. He may never wake up. And I was told yesterday that it's never good for a patient such as Kevin to be put in a nursing home. A NURSING HOME? I hadn't even thought of that. I'm not even sure I can think of it. But seriously - am I strong enough to do this for the rest of my life? Am I strong enough to sit and talk to my son and think he is seeing me and hearing me only to realize that he isn't? Can I honestly do this for years and years if I need to?

I guess I will answer that question with a very weak sounding 'yes'. And maybe tomorrow that 'yes' will be a little bit louder...

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

I started reading because i'm one of the soldiers Angels. You and your daughter are such strong women and are doing so well with all that you have been through. I wanted to send you some BIG HUGS! Kevin is so lucky to have a Mom like you i only hope that i am half the mom that you are!
God Bless, You three are in my prayers!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Heavenly Father,

We thank you for today even though it's hard. These are the days that make us strong and we will look back and realize we could do it and we will continue to do it - with you by our side. We pray for strength and rest for Leslie and Breezy. We pray for healing for Kevin - miracles do happen and we pray to see one know. Lord let this be used to glorify you. In Jesus's name - AMEN.

Jessica Juart Bish

Anonymous said...

My heart just breaks for you reading this. Please remember how many people are praying for you, Kevin, and Breezy. When you cry, I hope you can feel our arms around you.

Take comfort in knowing that although Kevin is aware of your presence, he will remember none of this when he wakes up.

Praying for strength and healing. God bless you all.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing from your heart. We are continuing to pray for and with Kevin and you throught his time...however long it may be. May God grant you peace and rest in this time of trial and pain. Please contact me if you have any need!!!

Pastor Ed

Anonymous said...

Leslie,
Thinking of you.
Megan Slaugenhoup

Anonymous said...

My heart was heavy reading about the kind of day Kevin had and you at his side witnessing him go through this. My prayers are towards you, Breezy and Kevin.
I love you, Leslie!

i. said...

Leslie,

I know there's a lot of scary stuff being done and said at the hospital. But I believe Kevin is still there. I believe he can hear you. He can't tell you this now, and may not be able to for a very long time, but you being there and talking to him - not just around him - makes a huge difference. Continue to take moments for yourself so that you are able to be strong for Kevin and Breezy. And we'll continue to pull for all of you.

-ida

Lori Peoria said...

Dear Leslie and family,

Please remember to take care of yourselves during this time too. Rest when needed, cry when needed and laugh if you can. Leslie, you raised a beautiful son and I know you will have the strength to continue to care for him as long as you are needed.
Take comfort in knowing you have a lot of prayers being sent upwards!

Lori P
Soldiers' Angel in South Carolina formerly of Pittsburgh

Melissa said...

Leslie, you, Brianna and Kevin are in my prayers. If there is ever anything I can do, please don't hesitate to ask. You and your kids are strong brave people, and I am so sorry that the 3 of you have to go through this. Know that God is looking over Kevin.

Blessings,
Melissa

Anonymous said...

No words will do at this point...so I just send you a big hug for all of you...
Tina Dwyer, El Paso, TX

Barb said...

I read your messages every day to check on Kevin's progress. My heart goes out to you, Breezy and all your extended family. I believe that Kevin can hear you and he knows that you are there and how much you love him. You are doing the right thing even though it is so incredibly hard. I pray that God will give you the strength that you need in all your days ahead. Just remember that there are thousands of prayers being said for Kevin and for all of you each day.

Anonymous said...

Leslie, last night I was going through some of the kids old board games, wondering where the time has gone since we last played one, and I a memory hit me from out of the blue, I asked Zach if he remembered the rainy afternoon a few years back when him, Kevin, Matthew, Matt Hillwig and Haleigh talked me into playing the board game "Survivor" with them. It was a marathon of a game, and after a few hours we were laughting so hard, and I was begging them all to vote me off the island I couldn't take any more of their craziness. What a fun memory. Mention it to Kev, maybe you'll all get a smile out of it. Stay strong, I have no idea what you guys are going through. I shed a tear everyday just reading this. Take care all three of you. You're in our thoughts and prayers!!! Sharon, Zach and Haleigh

Sherri Greer said...

Leslie,
There are no words to express how my heart aches for you. I think about you and Breezy and Kevin every day. I realize that I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this is for you, but I feel certain of one thing and that is that no parent could do what you're doing and handle everything that's happening any better than you are(and most not as well). I also believe with all my heart that Kevin knows you are there and that it is your strength and presence that is causing him to fight and not give up. It is such a difficult battle for all of you, and you all must be so weary of fighting, but you keep on. What a brave and wonderful family!
Love always, Sherri

Anonymous said...

Leslie, From the time that my husband and I where told he had brain cancer I asked the Lord to be by my side to make the decisions that would become my responsibility. Somehow from that day on I wasn't afraid to make those decision because I knew the Lord directed me. I knew the Lord would help me and I was able to take care of my husband until he died. The Lord will also tell you the who, what, when, when it is time. The biggest thing a caretaker must remember is to take care of yourself. You are a strong women. Kevin is not the only Hero in this picture. YOU are also a Hero by what you and this blog represent to not only Kevin but to us the people out there that can only pray for all of you. The Lord has many healing powers just open up to him and they will come pouring in. I believe that from reading this blog you will have the strongest YES there is. But if it is not possible, you can do the same thing you are doing right now: BE AT KEVIN'S SIDE. Just remember the decisions are up to you and the Lord to do what is best for Kevin. We love you all. Aunt Judy

Anonymous said...

Les, I am so sorry to know that Kevin and also you had such a bad day. I am very glad that you had your time at Olive Garden and I do know who with because I read it when they asked you. Honey, Please, don't think that eye can't see you. You really aren't sure it can't anymore than I am sure that it can but in my heart I know that he still can see his Mom and sister in his mind and in his precious loving heart Les. Honey, I cry and pray for your strength and Kevin and Breezy everyday more times than you can imagine. I also know what the answer will be to that question and it was a pretty loud YES when I read it today. Love ya, Pam

Joan said...

Hi Les,

You've had such a rough week ... it's hard to know which end is up, isn't it? I read your blog every day and just wish I could be there to hug you like crazy, but I can't.
So, I don't even know if any words I can type will help. I am praying and beseeching whatever great powers that exist beyond our understanding to give you and Kev a break, even if it's just a short one. You need a good day, and then a few more ... and I know they'll be coming, just not yet.

Love you, girlfriend, just keep hanging in there, you CAN do it!!

Best always,
Joanie

Jeff said...

Leslie,
No words can comfort the pain in your heart. Know this there are many known and unknown folks praying for you all. You have the strength to fight and fight the good fight you will for Kevin.
God bless you all,
Jeff Bernstein

lori said...

leslie (and all of your family)

know that prayers are being said for you and for kevin. God IS with you, trust in Him, call on Him, REST in Him.
I have NEVER been in your shoes with one of my children, but i can say that as i have been following your blog it sounds very similar to the same roller coaster that our family went through ten years with my father. clearly the circumstances and causes for the hospitalization were different, but we daily rode that same emotional roller coaster. every night as i drove the hour drive home(if i dad was stable enough to go home) i cried out to God to help dad, the doctors, nurses, us. He was there all the time even when i couldn't see Him.
Leslie, know that i am remembering you. God is a good God and He puts us in each others' lives to support each other. Know that i am supporting you.
Take care of yourself as you care for EVERYONE else, that is so important.

Vicki Chrisman said...

Les, I'm so sorry it was such a rough day. I cant begin to imagine how hard it must have been watching all that go on. You are one strong woman! I'm praying today is so much better, and that Kevin gets a day to just rest.

Anonymous said...

Dear Leslie,

I sit here reading this when I should be doing work (who really wants to do that on a Friday) and I am so amazed by you and Breeze's courage and strength. Please know that all of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Much Love from Los Angeles

Liz a Soldier's Angel

P.S. Birthday cards will be in the mail.

Anonymous said...

Leslie,

I'm so glad you got to go to the Olive Garden. I hope you had lots of unlimited salad and bread sticks too. : )

I am sure sometimes you close your eyes or are awakened when you attempt to sleep and think this is all a nightmare. You are living the nightmare and you and Brianna are the heroines and Kevin the hero. You've been through so much.

I agree with Sherri Greer's comment... "but I feel certain of one thing and that is that no parent could do what you're doing and handle everything that's happening any better than you are(and most not as well)"....

Sherri Greer simply says it all...

God Bless you all. Kevin does indeed hear you and most certainly knows you are there. There was a time when I would have thought that was silly when people said such a thing. After being with my own Mother until she took her last breath...I know for sure that is true. Kevin is very aware you are there and he most certainly can hear you.

Let your heart tell you what to do because you are doing one fantastic job. You and Brianna both.

No one wants to think this...but there IS a reason for all of this, as horrible as it is. We always ask "why"...and get no answer. Someday we will find an answer to all of our questions.

Kevin's life is touching many...he shouldn't have to be going through what he is going through. I am just so sorry this is happening to your family. He is such a strong young man.

Still praying...as we all are. I look back and see how you started this blog in May...not even realizing at the time where it would lead. I am glad it is here for us all and for you to release your feelings. No matter how tired you are, you never fail to share the daily news of how Kevin is doing each day. Once again, "thank you".

You are a very good Mother, Leslie and Brianna...such a wonderful sister and daughter.

May God give you strength..to endure. My Grandmother always would tell us "never lose faith". Her words come to me now.

Never lose faith..Amen.

Anonymous said...

Hey Big Sis,
just want you to know how much we all love you and brezzy and kevin, want to wish you a happy happy birthday.
just remember that God loves you all so much. take some time for yourself so you don't go crazy if that is possible. (ha ha)
love you
Dawn and family

Kris said...

Leslie, Brianna, Kevin,

Your strength and courage is truly amazing. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through, to see your baby so sick and broken. You are so entitled to rant, vent, be angry, anything you want to do. There must be so many emotions that you experience in the matter of hours. I'm sure that no words could ever make this less difficult but please know and never ever forget that there are so many of us out here praying for you all. Praying that you get the strength, peace, comfort and courage you need to face and get through each difficult day.

Sounds cliche but miracles really do happen. Every day they happen. We're all out here praying for that miracle, and that I can promise you.

God bless you all, and may He keep you close to His heart, and under His wing. Kev's in there somewhere, he's just taking a little rest. Stay strong, brave hero and warrior. Stay strong Leslie & Brianna. You CAN do this - you ARE doing it!

- Kris, a Soldiers' Angel from RI

Jocelyn said...

Another Soldiers' Angel has been reading about your struggles. I lived near Butler, PA for many years and feel all the more familiar with you. My heart hurts for you and it is hard to imagine what you three are experiencing. You are such strong women to be by Kevin's side .... somehow he knows you are there. My prayers are with you constantly through the day. May God continue to give you & Breezy strength to face each day and may he touch Kevin with his healing power. You are being sent love from each of us.

Jocelyn

Debbie Carnahan said...

Leslie,Breezy,And Kevin,
Your family has touched so many peoples lives. As a mother, I couldn't imagine what you are going through. Your whole family are in our thoughts and prayers. We at Crisswell Bible Baptist Church are praying for a miracle and Luke 1:37 For with God, nothing shall be impossible. So please keep up your strength and lean on the Good Lord for all your strength and courage. Let us know if there is anything at all that we could do for you. I dnow Pastor Cutty told anyone who talked to you that he said "hi" and you are in his prayers often. Nahum 1:7 THe Lord is Good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, and he knoweth them that trust in Him. I hold onto this verse in my times of trouble, but your troubles are so much worse than mine and I hope you find comfort in the Words of the Lord. Cody also wants to tell Kevin "Hi" and that he is in his prayers, also. We all care and are sending our love and support.
Debbie Carnahan

Anonymous said...

I just found this online, I was looking to see what had happened to everyone that your son had been with. My husband is still over there, and knows your son. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through, but my heart hurts just the same. You are so strong, and your son is too.

Anonymous said...

Leslie,

It's hard for anyone to know what you are going through. You are a very strong and wonderful mother as Breeze is a strong sister. I think and pray for you everyday. Be strong and please take time for youself. You need it to keep up your strength. God Bless you always.
Love,
Barbie(DeBacco)Lucas

Unknown said...

God bless you, Les n Breezy. You have been and are so very strong...
Les, don't look so far 'down the road'...keep your heart and strength on today and tomorrow..those are the ones you can handle.
Soldiers Angels has a constant prayer line for Kev,you, Breezy and the doctors. If there is anything we can do for you, please let us know.
You are a very special Mom and your daily updates on Kev is your lifeline and vent...keep it up.
Many prayers, much love and a ton of pride....
Retta

Anonymous said...

wow hon...i'm so sorry that you guys are all going through this! i can not even imagine having to see emma go thru that kind of pain. you are so strong hon, i honestly don't know where you pull all of your strength from. you are all in our prayers every day. i love you hon. thank you so much for keeping us all updated on kevin.

Love,
T. Burd

Anonymous said...

wow hon...i'm so sorry that you guys are all going through this! i can not even imagine having to see emma go thru that kind of pain. you are so strong hon, i honestly don't know where you pull all of your strength from. you are all in our prayers every day. i love you hon. thank you so much for keeping us all updated on kevin.

Love,
T. Burd

Anonymous said...

I have no words to tell you how sorry I am you have to go through this..the only thing I can think to tell you is take it one day at a time and if that is too much, then just take it one minute at a time. I know God is with you and will give you renewed strength. As always we continue to pray for all of you.

Anonymous said...

Leslie and Breezy,
I cant even explain how much i feel for you guys. I'm not good with words or anything(this is the reason why I haven't commented or anything yet) But i do read the blogs every night and I still can't believe that this is going on. I sit in astonishment every night i read a blog. I never know what to even say. I have a lot of emotions at once. I go from sad to furious. I wish I could just make this all better or if nothing else be right next to him. Kevin is one of the best friends that i have ever known. I honestly can't name one person that has met Kevin and not liked him. I did meet someone today that made me feel a little better about Kevin and about life. He was a soldier that took a direct IED blast from a 155 round.(Explosives this size destroy 7 ton military vehicles) he was two feet away from it when it went off. No one believed he even had the slightest chance to survive. But after losing almost 1/4 of his brain, his left eye, and having half of his head composed of plastic/titanium he looks and functions like nothing ever happened. He looked at me and said," no matter what happens in life, you won't leave this world until God determines it's Your time. " I hear a lot of religous claims/comments but most times i have a hard time truly believing them. But this soldier was living proof. I wouldnt have even believed the story if i didnt hear it from him personaly. I guess what i am trying to say is that this is NOT kevin's time. He will make it through this.

Anonymous said...

les,
I there are no words for me to describe how you must be feeling... I think about you everyday and everyday I cry. I cry for you, for Kevin, for Breezy and for a very selfish reason as well, because I miss you so much and I feel so helpless... You have been there for me and all of you friends countless times. You are the one who always gets us through our ups and downs and now here you are at Kevin's side all day and night and we can't be there to help you, or hug you, or tell you everything will be allright like you have done so many, many times for all of us. My heart breaks a little more everyday for Kevin,Breezy and you.

I received a very heart felt phone call this afternoon from Judy Sheilds, Andrew was her nephew. Andrew was sadly killed by the humvee explosion. Her family has come together to support each other during this dificult time. She expressed her sympathies so compassionately. Andrew's family wanted you to know that they read your blog everyday and you are in thier hearts. Judy was very sincere and my heart goes out to her and all of Andrew's family. This is truly a difficult time and I don't even know what exactly to say, but please know that both your's and Andrew's families are on so many peoples minds everyday.

I love you. I miss you.

Anonymous said...

If I could help you with your burden, I would. I wish I could be there for just one day for you. I pray that God will help you find the strength to carry these burdens. You have to believe that God is giving you the strength daily. Love, Karen

Stef said...

Leslie, I am not good with words but just wanted to let you know that I think of Kevin, you and Breezy everyday.
Kevin, even though I don’t know you, you have motivated me into being a better person. You are a miracle and I pray that god will give you the strength to overcome all your obstacles so that you can go on with life to inspire others. We all love you!
Leslie we miss you, you are an awesome woman and can always make me laugh, I thank you for that.
Breezy, keep on being an amazing big sis to your bro.

Anonymous said...

Leslie, I'm so sorry to hear about Kevin's suffering today. It really sucks and must be so difficult to see. I hope the nurse documented his reaction so it doesn't happen again. I'm still praying for you and for Kev's healing progress. One day at a time, you're going to get through this.

Holee said...

Having lost a son myself and spending 17 hours, his last, in a hospital, I can feel what you are going through.

Kevin hears you. He knows you are there. You will forever remember these days mixed with flash backs of his childhood. Only a mother's love can survive this. If he never gets fully better you will be able to do it..yes you will. Your child is still there under all the damage and no nurse could possibly understand that without ever having her own child in the same condition.

I live near Franklin, Pa. I am ready your blog everyday. Keep talking to him because he really needs Mom right now, and don't let anyone tell you he can't hear you.