Sunday, June 8, 2008

Day 8 - June 8, 2008

We still aren't allowed to talk to Kevin. It just kills me when he starts thrashing around and I can't say "It's okay, babe. Mom's here. You're alright"; just those small little sympathetic sounds all mothers make. I just keep rubbing his arm hoping that somehow he feels calmed by it.

I was kinda glad I was in the room at one point tonight though. The nurse was testing certain areas of his body by pinching him just to see if we got a response or not. It was hard watching her try to 'hurt' my baby, but I was pleased to see him respond to pressure on the legs and fingers. Nothing from either set of toes, but I am hoping that it doesn't really mean too much at this point.

I will say this though (and it scares me) - I have yet to see Kev's hands. I do know that the tops of both hands are 3rd degree burns. So tonight was the first night that I could even see the tips of his fingers. I am not sure - but if I saw it right - all of his fingertips on his right hand are black. I am going to stick my head in the sand on this and claim not to know what this probably means. Do you think it will work? I somehow doubt it...

One thing they did do today was reposition Kev's arms. They were starting to swell up considerably from laying at his side for the last 8 days. They are now coming straight out from his body across the sides of the bed. From what I understand, it is very painful to move any of the limbs (even raising his foot an inch) after they have been laying in the same position for too long. Every time they have to switch the 'cushions' they use so that he doesn't get blisters on his heels, he about comes off the bed.

Last, but most definitely not least, our main concern right now is pneumonia. Because Kev has that tube in his brain draining fluid buildup, he can't be agitated in any way. Well, he has foam coming out of his mouth from the ventilator and the nurses are trying not to suction his lungs at all because his numbers go through the roof when they do. It's kinda a catch 22. They can't suction him or it will cause brain activity which could have adverse effects. They also can't let the fluid build up in his lungs, which can also cause adverse effects. This is all just so mentally draining.

Which brings me to some personal mental anguish. I hate this. I hate the fact that my family has to go through this. I have a lot of anger. A lot of fear. A lot of pent up rage. I have moments where I just want to run away from all of this - which makes me feel like an utter failure as a parent. I would never in a million years do it - but it doesn't mean I don't think it once in a while. It's just so hard, ya know? There's my child laying in a hospital bed that really barely resembles the young man that I last laid eyes on. His face is completely burnt. He has tubes coming out of his brain, a bunch of them coming out of his mouth and wires and stuff stuck all over his body. The lower half of his body is either gauzed up where the skin grafts were done, or have some kind of weird layer of something over the skin 'donor' areas. His hands are wrapped all the way up past his elbows, his one eye is stitched shut and there are goggles over both eyes again to keep them moist. He has more than a hundred staples on the left side of his head that resemble a rural road map and his ears are a mess. His stomach is also cut from just below the breast bone to his groin area.

I have to admit that there are times where I kind of zone out and start rubbing his arm and looking out the window and think 'This isn't my kid. It's some stranger. I just work here. It's not happening to us.' And then it hits me - it is my kid. He's not a stranger. I don't work here and it is fucking happening to us.

And don't think I don't realize that my son could be dead. Believe me when I say that I am ever so grateful that he is alive. Two other sets of parents weren't so lucky that day. But I still have to ask - WHY?

9 comments:

Nathalie Kalbach said...

Love you Leslie! I'm thinking of you and Kevin and your family every day!!!! Huge hugs!!!

i. said...

I wish I had answers for you -- answers about the future, answers to the question 'Why?' I do have lots of hope though. I hope the pneumonia holds off; I hope his hands and brain recover beautifully; I hope the Kevin in your photographs begins to show himself soon. I hope you can continue to find the strength you need to get through all of this.

Keeping you all close in thought...

aika/ida

Anonymous said...

Dear Leslie,
You don’t know me, but I feel the need to let you know that we are all praying for Kevin.
Dan Thornhill’s fiancĂ©e (my cousin) told me about Kevin and your blog.
I myself was an Army wife for close to 20 years and my husband just retired from the service.
All my family and friends are praying for Kevin and Dan and for you!!!!
If there is anything we can do for you…please feel free to contact me!
Tina Dwyer, El Paso TX
tinadwyer@hotmail.com

Anonymous said...

Dear Leslie,
You don't know me , but i know your son from the Riverside and from him attending our youth center at the Baptist Church in Brady. He was always friendly and smiling when ever I saw him and a good kid. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you both are going through. We are praying for you all and would like to help in anyway we can. Please let us know what you need and we'll try to get it for you. Our address is 508 Kellys Way.

Anonymous said...

Hi Leslie, you know nothing seems as important as it once did. You hear about awful things happening to people and you can just forget to think about it because your life is so busy. Then there comes a reality like Kevin's and it won't go away for him or you. This hurts when you can't fix somethng for someone you care about. My prayers and thoughts are with you, Kevin and Breezy. If there is anything you need please let us know.....
Love you!

Anonymous said...

Dear Leslie and family, my heart and prayers go out to you and your blessed Kevin. My Kevin says he is a great kid and I say he is a great man and hero! God bless you all. I pray for healing and pain free future. I thank you for sharing your son with us and I thank your son for his un selfish duty to our country. God bless him and these brave young people. My heart aches and I cry for you. Let me know what I can do. He is someone so special in my heart.You have every right to be angry. He is your child. I am angry too. Take care of yourself and keep your energy and health going.Moms are very special too! Love, Susan, Kevin, Kevin Jr., Matthew, and Christopher Reeves-United States Marines.

Anonymous said...

hey leslie it's your daughter in law lol. There hasn't been a day since kevin left that i havn't thought about him. I mean jeese we were each other's first best friend. I wish i had the right words to say but i don't, i wish i could take the pain away from him and his family but i can't. Kevin is one of the most amazing people i have ever met. I pray for him every night b4 i go to sleep. I remember the first night i found out i sat on my front porch and looked over at your old house and just cryed for an hour. Remembering how we got married in that bush out front, or how you used to yell at us when we'd swing off the close line polls and that one time we popped breezy's water bed even though you told us not to jump on it =] I miss him...
I wish you could tell him that i love him but i know you can't yet. I set him a letter in the mail today so hopefully by the time it gets there your aloud to read it to him. Your all in my prays and i can't wait to see you all back home.
LOVE!! Ashten

Valerie S said...

Leslie, you are a great mom, and just what Kevin needs by his side right now. Your feelings are totally understandable. Please know that many prayers are with all of you.

tricia said...

Leslie, I can't believe how much you have been through. Your story is bringing me to tears. You are so strong.