Day 15 - June 15, 2008

Lots of feelings in my head and my heart today so if y'all don't want to hear me bitching, this might not be the post to read. I gotta say - because this blog has become so huge, I have tried to leave a lot of my personal feelings out of it, but I can't do it tonight. I am angry and I am scared and I need to vent.

As for being scared - this of course is all about Kev. They took him down for a CT Scan a couple of hours ago because he stopped absorbing any fluids yesterday afternoon. They even stopped his tube feeds. It had been an hour and a half and I called back to be told that they are working on him. They believe that he is working on getting another infection - this one in his heart. Steve just died last week because of infection in his heart and I gotta say - I don't want my son to die. I am so scared right now. I honestly can't imagine living this life without my son in it. I will - but only for my daughter, whom I also love immeasurably. But I don't want to. I want him to get well. I want him to wake up and say "Hi Mom" like he always did when he called.

Kev? If you can hear me...me and Breeze need you here with us. You gotta come through this. Not only for us though - but for everyone who reads this. For all your fellow comrades, for all your friends and for all of your family. Honestly, this world just wouldn't be the same without you in it. And you know what? I know this for a fact! I got a phone call today at the hospital from a soldier with the last name Keith. He had just heard and had to call and tell me that none of the guys would have made it through Basic without you. He said that they could all be having the worst day and you would all go back to the barracks and you would start crackin' your jokes. He had nothing but good things to say about you and it just re-enforced my belief in how special you are. You gotta do this, Kev. You gotta hear my voice!

As for the anger - for those of you that know us personally - y'all will understand. For those of you that don't - you need to know that my kids' father walked out of their lives close to 10 years ago. Not one word from either him or any member of his family in all that time.

So now? All of a sudden - here is Tim acting like he cares. Acting like he knows the man that Kevin has become. Frankly, it pisses me off. I think it is very nervy of him to come here and it's also very nervy of his mother and brother and sisters to think they have any right to see my son. As far as I'm concerned - they all gave up their rights years ago when they ALL turned their backs on my kids.

I have kept my thoughts on this private for two weeks now. I sit in that waiting room with Tim acting like he is freakin' father of the year. That is such bullshit! I can't even go outside and sit with the other mothers because he is there. And Breeze? Can you imagine? Not only does she have to deal with everything going on with Kev - but also with all these confusing emotions about Tim. It's just not right. I wished for years that he would come back and be part of their lives - now I just wish he would leave.

I'm sorry too! I'm sorry that I need to say these words, but I am about at the end of my rope. My personal belief - he doesn't want to be here. But how can he not be? If the community he lives in found out what happened to Kev and found out he didn't come - he would be shunned. I watch him go back in to see Kev and he is in there sometimes only 3 or 4 mins. That's not going in. It takes longer than that to put everything on (gown, hat, gloves etc). You know what he does? He goes into the anteroom and just looks at him. Now isn't that nice? You can't tell me he is here for his son. He's here because it makes him look good.

Just go home, Tim. Just freakin go home!!!!!