Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Day 760 - Jun 28, 2010

We went to see the movie "Grown Ups" today. We actually tried to go on Friday, but the theater was packed (even in the middle of the afternoon) so we didn't even bother to go in.

But today we finally made it. We have been waiting a while for the arrival of this movie and I think we both expected more. Don't get me wrong, we really did enjoy it, but we thought it would be a little bit funnier.

So anyway, Johnny met us there and the three of us watched it. After this we went home, Kevin was a bit overstimulated, so I got him situated in his room and I left and met Breezy for a bit.

To Martha K and Tracey from PGH - I couldn't agree more with your comments today.

I am realizing that I can't continue 24/7 like this. I really need to try to leave while the aides are here - and NOT run errands the whole time. I need some 'me' time because I really am getting depressed. I think I am actually to the point that I need a little 'medicinal' help, but I don't exactly know how to go about getting it. I am going to talk to Mary (Wonderful FRC) about this tomorrow.

I also talked to Breezy on Friday about giving me a weekend soon. I'm not sure how to fit it in with the stuff that needs to happen over the next month or so, but if I don't get away soon I am going to crack. My chest has been hurting, my teeth are constantly clenched (even during sleep) and I am crying an awful lot lately. I really am not a crier. And I usually can at least fake like all is well, but really - I am just not feelin' it lately.

So, a change needs to be made. Now I just need to figure out how to fix it and force myself to do it. It's always so easy to put my needs aside as Kevin just requires so much on a day to day basis (or should I say minute by minute basis?) and I really am too tired to worry about myself.

I just need to do it though. So maybe this week I will finally go for that massage the kids got me for Mother's Day...


Pat said...

I am so glad to see that you are making some plans for "me" time! We all need it and you aren't any exception! If it makes you feel better, tell yourself "it's for Kevin"! And we all know you would do anything for Kevin! Truth be told, it really is in Kevin's best interest as well as your own! It's a win, win situation!

Anonymous said...

I agree, you need time to yourself. Hopefully since the aides have been working out so nicely that you will have a little more time to yourself. Even if you just left to hang out somewhere without doing anything. :)
Have a great day!
Kathy in IA

Cathy M said...

Yes! Some ME time. A massage would be wonderful. Just please try to have some time to yourself after the massage. Massages really relax you and you don't want to head back home to stress right after becoming relaxed. Maybe schedule an extra hour after the massage, if you can, to just walk or something like that. Mmmmmm, I love massages.

Anonymous said...

You definitely need ME time!

Tracey from Pgh. said...

That's good to hear, Leslie. After all, if YOU aren't healthy, how are you going to take care of Kevin? It is sooo important!

Long-time RN said...

Yep, I'll ditto the above. Taking care of you is as much a priority as taking care of Kevin. Get that massage soon. Hopefully some of the mentioned electronics for Kevin will also allow you a bit more time for you, or at least some quality sleep. You're one heck of a warrior, Leslie, but even warriors get R&R and recoup time.

If I were close by I'd be honored to 'relieve' you for a bit and I'd bet there are others who'd do the same. Instead, we'll remain out here listening and offerring support on this journey.

Take good care.

Anonymous said...

Dear Leslie-- the previous comments are all right on; you must take care of yourself as well as dear Kevin...I have struggled with depression and medication has helped me greatly; just talking to a therapist whom you trust can make a huge difference as well, just laying it all out there and having it put into empathetic perspective...I read your posts every morning and while I don't comment too often you, Kevin and Breezy are always in my best thoughts.

love, Anne

Jodi said...

Les, I love you. Please, get some help to get you thru this. You are an amazingly strong woman, but at times, we ALL need help. You deserve the best in everything, so do what you need to do to take care of yourself. We will make it thru all these tough times together. When you called me the other night, you lifted my spirit so high, I knew I have to keep fighting. Because of your call and love, I am not giving up, and I don't want you to either. You are my hero, my angel, and I want you well. I want you happy.

Please, keep your beautiful smile on that beautiful face we all love so much.

Sending you all strength, love, hugs, and prayers. I love you all so much!

Andrew's Aunt Jodi

karen said...

wow, I totally love how LONG all the posts are on this subject. Leslie, can you hear what community you've created from your warmth and your honour and your honesty?!

Anyway, I finally got that little something in the post today for K's birthday, and I included a little tiny thing in it to honour Breezy's new little life on the way and of course I put a little something in there just for you. Let me know if you receive it, if you get the chance ... it is silly and small but it is mostly the thought because you give so much.

Glad you are strategising ways to take care of yourself now that you can't go longer without. That alone might help resolve some of your extreme feelings. (And of course, therapy (or therapy with meds if needed) is always good to work out feelings around loss and anger and grief.)

Can't wait till you get my little package ... I'm like a KID that way!

GrannieEv said...

I trust that you'll do what you know you have to do. Like everyone said, it's for Kevin and Breezy, too. Perhaps you could stay at Breezy's place for the night to take a real break. Wishing you all the best.