Friday, March 27, 2009

Day 300 - Mar 27, 2009

300 days. Wow. Somehow it feels like 300 years. Like a lifetime. They say that people in our situations go through as many emotions in one day as a normal person goes through in half a year. I believe that. I can remember in the beginning how one minute I truly believed that Kevin would never make it through the trauma. The next minute I believed he would because he always does. The next I was so sure that if he did live he would be a vegetable forever and I could go on and on. There was not one second of one day that my head wasn't spinning with hopes, fears, realism, fantasy, despair, belief and so much more.

What's even real about all of this is that our days are still the same. Kevin is stable - yes he is, but there is still so much up in the air. Depression, cognitive impairment, physical deficits, you name it. And it's sad to say that things will always be unsure, but the truth of the matter is is that I still go through a thousand thoughts a day about our future.

Lately I am so worried about Kevin finding out about what he has lost. He does not know that he lost almost half of his brain. I keep thinking I should tell him, but I am just afraid to. I'm just not sure he can handle it. But even still - I am just waiting for the day that a doctor mentions it in front of him and I am scared that will be even more traumatic for him finding out like that. What to do? I just don't know.

So I guess my point is that even though Kevin is doing so well, there are still so many decisions to make and so many emotions to go through. I do wonder if it will ever change...

Depressing, huh?

Moving on though - we did have some great news today. It turns out that Kevin has had ZERO hearing loss! We met with the audiologist today and she tested him again and found not one bit of loss in either ear. He did have loss before his cranioplasty, but it has since cleared up. YAY!! And I must say that the doctor is shocked. She says she has never seen someone come through a blast with no hearing deficits. She wondered if he might have had ear protection, but there is no way for me to know the answer to this.

And to end, a few of you have asked how I am feeling and it's getting better, albeit slowly. I still am in pain, but it's either manageable now or I am just getting used to it, lol. Some of the people around us think I probably tore a muscle and I suppose it's probable. Kevin is 6 feet tall and I am nowhere near that and me hefting him around and everything is hard on the old body, lol. So who knows, we probably never will, but I will feel better soon (at least I hope so - positive attitude and all that!).

7 comments:

LISA said...

Leslie,

So glad you're feeling better.

On a positive note..with the roller coaster for life ahead of you...hey, you've got your son alive and making progress each day.

What a blessing. Hope when you have your bad days..this thought always pops in mind to bring you right back up once again.

Glad Brianna was able to quickly come back to give you a hand when you needed it. It must be a real comfort to have her there with you.

God Bless..praying as always and..
STAY STRONG.

Janna said...

I truly do know what these emotions are... grateful beyond words that your child is alive and terrified of what the future holds, not only for Kevin but for your own life as well.
I do still recommend "The Shack" as it will help with some of this...I know because I have been there. My prayers are for peace of mind and heart for all of you, for all that you have been through and all that is still to come.

Vicki C said...

Thats great news about Kevins hearing!!! I hope you start to feel better every day Les. Be sure to take time to take care of you! You have been pushing so hard for so long...I cant believe you havent been more run down sooner. Please rest when you can.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you are feeling a little better Leslie. That's excellent news about Kevin's hearing! Yeah!!! It seems as we also have so many emotions concerning Kevin and your family. (and we aren't even there living everything) It's much more for you guys to think about being there. When I read good news I always have a better day that's for sure! Wow- 300 days! I understand what you mean about letting Kevin know about his brain. What a hard decision. I guess if he is depressed I wouldn't add that to it. I will pray that the doctors don't say thing in front of him either. Maybe down the road when things get better yet for him. Just my opinion of course. :)
I hope all of you have a wonderful Saturday!
Kathy in IA

Anonymous said...

300 days is a long time and with everything you three have been through it really must have seemed like a lifetime.
I too look back at all the ups and downs since day one and I am so impressed with the strenghth and courage you have all shown (also the stubbornness in you and Kevin probably helped out too,lol)As far as what and when to tell Kevin about the amount of damage to his brain,do as you have these past 300 days...use your motherly love and instincts and all will be fine.Kevin no doubt will be scared and upset to hear it but who wouldn't?Kevin,however isn't one to sit around too long and dwell on things he can't change,he's more likely to be more determined to prove just what he is capable of.Remember you have family,friends
who care and you three are never alone;you are always in someone's thoughts and prayers.
Kim S

Long-time RN said...

I can't add much more than your other responders have offered. It's incredible and wonderful Kevin survived the trauma, yet so many issues remain.

Your family has strength, courage, persistence, and love. These will see you through. God bless.

The Rock said...

Wow Leslie ; 300 Days ! What a Milestone ! All 3 of you came a long way !
I am so glad that Kevin's shunt is working and I am glad that you are feeling better .
Your life sure has changed forever, but maybe you find comfort in knowing that we all think that you are " ONE TOUGH COOKIE " . You have given us all strength , by letting us into your " biggest life Challenge " .
You have shared so much with us , the Readers; and I feel like I know you . LOL
If I ever run into you ; don't be surprised when I give you a Hug. <<< just kidding, >>>
Thank you ,Leslie for sharing your life with us !
You give me strength without realizing it.
God Bless You and your family !
Hugs
Petra