I am watching my son sleep in my bed tonight, trying to come to terms with who he is as opposed to who he was. I don't do this often - look back - but it's there tonight. Sometimes I think it's sad because I don't always remember who he was. I can't always recall him being able to walk. Or talk fluidly. And I don't always remember what he looked like without all the burns and droopy eyes and head scars. I know that every mother remembers her babies growing up, but it's hard for me. Do you think it's a self-preservation kind of thing? I suppose it really is a good thing to not focus on the good times from the past because it would make these bad times all the worse. But do I really want to do that? Do I HAVE to do that to continue on this journey?
It's just laying so heavy in my heart tonight. He looks so different now. So incredibly scarred. And as he is becoming more and more cognizant, he gets so frustrated when he wants to say something and can't. And he tries to get out of his chair without someone standing next to him now and he just can't do that yet either.
And I know I just need to be patient. I am quite sure he will walk again, probably with a serious limp or even having to drag that leg, but he will still be able to walk.
And he does say more and more words now, it's just such a slow process to teach him new ones.
I don't know.
I wonder if I am just sad tonight because there is absolutely no way to get the house that Kevin wants? I have tried so hard, but without help - it's just not going to happen. It kinda makes me feel like a failure as a parent that I can't get something that my son wants so badly. It was so hard having to sit down with him tonight and explain to him that it's just not going to happen. He was so disappointed. He accepted it, just like we have always accepted all of the rough spots in our lives, but the disappointment was still there in his eyes.
And to make matters worse - if I don't find another one this weekend, we may not get one at all. As we all know, the economy is affecting the mortgage industry very hard and most banks are really holding back on mortgages. My broker was able to find one that will do so (with considerable penalties because of his lack of credit), but she doesn't think the offer will be there for very long. She is seeing too many emails with banks pulling away and told me to hurry. I have been looking online for the last 6 hours for the most part and they are all starting to look the same to me. And tomorrow I will be busting my butt with our realtors going from house to house, just trying to find one. Please keep your fingers crossed that this happens.
Ok - so now that I have pulled everyone down (so sorry), I will mention some good things.
First, Kevin and Breezy were talked about on KDKA this morning because they were on the Mike and Mike show.
Kev was also 'discussed' in an article in the Chicago Tribune. Click here to read it.
We also received Kev's Solumbra clothing today. Here is a pic of him wearing one of his new outfits:
Notice the new wheelchair? We are trying to get him accustomed to a normal small one instead of that monstrous one used for guys that pretty much can't move at all. We have to do this in small doses though because there is no head support and he is used to having it. But let me tell you - he can whiz around the hallways with that little one. He is fast!
And last, but not least, here is a pic of Kevin with someone from his (our) past. One of Kevin's friends' mom and sister from his growing up years came to visit today. I could tell Kevin had to reach into his memory for it to click on who it was, but it only took seconds - maybe 10 - and he did it. It was such a wonderful visit as we miss all of our friends and family from PA. I sure with the Super Bowl was more often - then maybe we would get more company, lol. Anyway, here is Sharon and Haleigh with Kev this afternoon.
It was just so nice to visit. But, once again, I did get a bit teary as it made me realize how much I really miss home.
Oh well...it doesn't matter... Just wipe the sweat and drive on, right?
First 2 from the Nov kit!
6 months ago