Monday, July 7, 2008

Day 36 - July 6, 2008

Today was rough. Emotionally rough for me. Kevin is the same as he was yesterday so no changes there. But as you all know - today was his birthday. I can honestly say - it sucked big time.

This was the very first birthday for either of my kids where it wasn't a good day for said child (although Breezy's wasn't a barrel of laughs this week either - but we did try). I am a HUGE birthday person and this was just so hard to deal with today. To be honest, I sat on the garbage can in his room quite often today and just cried. I try not to do that in his room, but I just couldn't help it on his birthday. It's really just not fair that this kind of stuff happens to good people. Kev is truthfully one of the nicest people you could meet - not to say he was an angel because I know he wasn't - but he really was nice to everyone. I just don't understand why.

I couldn't help but think too that this could be what all of his birthdays end up being like. I know I shouldn't think like that, but it was just such a maudlin day that this is how my thoughts went. I mean, what am I going to do if he never wakes up? And at what point do you realize that he isn't going to wake up? 3 months? 6 months? A year? Two? At what point does the hope go away? And can I deal with it when it does? This just really sucks.

And some days I just feel so hopeless. So full of despair that this has happened. All I ever wanted was for my kids to have a happy and good life. Instead they get a father that walks out on them completely, financial struggles aplenty while they were growing up and constant battles and problems concerning every day life. And now this. And let's be frank - this didn't only happen to Kev - it also happened to Breezy. I know too that none of this was my fault and I didn't fail them as a parent, but it doesn't make it any easier to see what life has thrown at them.

This just really sucks. And you know what? I am depressing even myself so I think I am just going to go to bed and cry myself to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I am in a better mood and we have a better day and I also want to apologize now for ranting. But this is how the day was and this is my place to vent about it.

P.S. And thanks everyone for the birthday cards!! We take a few in daily and put them in bio-hazard baggies and read them to him. He may not hear us - but then again - he just might.

20 comments:

Vicki C said...

Oh Les... my heart is breaking reading this right now. I feel just sick. I'm so sorry. I wish I knew the right words to say..but I just dont. I wish a could take your pain away. Kevins and Breezes too. Love you.

Holee said...

Les, life sucks for single Mom's, just ask me. Single Mom's don't have that person who shares our life, the one who we can share our pain with at the end of the day. Some how we have to get through on our own. That's why we become strong women.

You are a differnt person now. It's hard to step into those new shoes because you will always long for the person you were back on May 29th. But you will do it, you'll do it for Kev & Breezy.

I hope someone has told you that grief has stages, shock, anguish, dispair, anger..you can't skip any of the steps or you'll find yourself going back and repeating them.

There are just so many unanswered questions right now, that's the hard part, just not knowing what you have to accept in the end. That's what causes the grief in the first place. I'm not gonna tell you you'll be alright because you'll never be alright again, your the Mom and you will forever long for what was.

You've had 20 years to become strong through all those ugly things that life threw at you. Today is a new day, you got through yesterday and Kev did turn 20.

I wish I knew how to help you through this but I don't. I only know that on the other side of ugly there is a place you will find to comfort you, it won't be peace, it will be all the memories that will hold you together.

One day at a time, don't look ahead, just get through today.

Jan said...

DON'T apologize! For most of us, listening is the only thing we can do to help you.

I hope today is a better day for both you and Kevin.

Pam Moore said...

Leslie, My heart aches for you honey, and I know I can't truly say I know how you feel. As a Mom I certainly can't imagine Barry being hurt. He is almost 40 and when he is hurt honey I hurt too and as a Mom that will never stop.You are mentally exhausted as well a physically honey and you are allowed to have those down times(but I pray that they wouldn't be there for you)Take your time take a breath and let it all out to us who love you and your family very much. Love ya, Pam Moore

Anonymous said...

Leslie -
Good things happen to bad people; bad things happen to good people. Life basically sucks with regards to that but there's this thing called "free will". We get to be the people we are but pay the price of not always having the best outcome.
I think you were "gearing yourself up" for Kevin's BD. I think you thought it would be a break through day and althought not bad, not what you wanted. That's okay Leslie. Can't say that I blame you. I'd want my son to sit up and blow out candles and sing "Happy Birthday" and all that too. That is not selfish of you. I think we all understand where you are coming from. You have to have faith; you have to come to terms; you have to know you have had Kevin for these 36 days when there are moms who did not even get that. We have seen steady, slow improvement in Kevin. Technology and science and medicine are wonderful. Prayer is even better. As one doctor put it, God does the healing; doctors just deliver the bill.
One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Know you can do this. Know there are blessings in all of this. Know that you have a really big group of people who are truly praying and pulling for your family. Kevin is a hero to all America! Don't forget that. Don't forget those who are still there. You can do this Leslie. You will have doubts . . . you will have bad days . .. .Don't waiver now. Stay strong. God bless you.

Patti said...

I love you, Leslie!

Kay said...

My heart just hurts for you, girl. You asked a lot of valid questions, and I wish I knew the answers. But you know no one does, and that must feel impossible. Love you, friend.

Melissa said...

Happy Belated Birthday Kevin.
My heart goes out to you and Kevin and Breezy Leslie. My prayers and thoughts are always with you guys.

Megan said...

As someone else said, do not be sorry for needing to vent. I am sorry today was so tough. I am sure everyone here on the blog wishes we could do more for you.

You and Brianna are doing a great job. A wonderful job supporting Kevin. I hope today will be a better day.
Megan Slaugenhoup

tbehr1018 said...

Leslie,
I wish there was something someone could say to you to help you through this part unfortunately there isn't. Being able to come here and pour out your heart and feelings good or bad is whats helping you get through so KEEP doing it and don't worry about how anyone will take it this is YOUR space to let it all out we are all just here to hopefully help and support you.
Have a BETTER DAY!!
God Bless you,
Theresa

Anonymous said...

Leslie,
You never need to apoligize for having a heart and loving your children.
YOU STRUGGLED for years to be BOTH parents to your children. Your children know who was and still is always there for them.
You are not the one that just showed up after 10 years to profess a parents love to them.
You are going through alot and I wish there was something I could say to help you other than we are all here for you.
If you need to vent, just call.
Love ya
Susan Luce

Diana Bellman said...

Les, you're an amazingly strong person. What Mom would not want to be able to see her child smile and feel happiness on their birthday? I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, but I've seen alot of strength from you and Breezy and sometimes God delivers bad with the good. The good outweighs the bad and things will get better. Kevin's recovery is not something that will happen fast but God is healing even as we read your blog. It just takes time. Kevin had a happy birthday although it doesn't seem it to you. He knew you were there, he knew Breezy was there but right now he just isn't strong enough to say "Hey Mom, Breez, I know you were here, Thanks so much." He's in there and one day he's gonna let you know it. Every day is a new day and with that new day, he's healing more and more. This is also a new year for him and today is a new start. Meanwhile, you and Breezy keep your strength and faith. As I said before, Kevin is feeding off of your strength. And all your emotions are part of the process Les. The grief, the anger-you are allowed to feel that way. It makes you a stronger person and Kevin needs that from you. I'm proud of you Les, always have been. You've been an amazing single Mom and your kids will thank you for it too. If you weren't a good single Mom, you're kids would not have turned out the way they are. Be proud of yourself for who they've become. Thinking of and praying for you all daily. Love you all.
Diana

Anonymous said...

There are just no words. I'm so sorry the day was bad for you. As a Mom I can understand your desire to see Kevin be himself on his birthday. No one really knows what you feel unless they have walked in your shoes. You vent all you need. This is your space, don't even give a thought to how anyone is going to react reading this. Remember there are literally multitudes of people who really care that are praying for you all. Take care, stay strong and remember that, as always, we continue to pray for all three of you.

Kevin53255@msn.com said...

Please dont loose hope!..lots of people in Brady are Praying and
helping out with the yard sale at the Riverside kari okie at the Cloud, with wrist band purchaces,Bake sales... So we pledge our hope to help You Breezy and Kevin.

With the best sent to you from our hearts-East Brady Campers Assn./Kevin Gallagher

Anonymous said...

Leslie,
Just to make you laugh, Kevin is a little angel with horns:) and we love him just like that. Never give up hope, I won't let you. Tomorrow is another day, it may not be better or it may be the same, but yet it will be tomorrow. How is that for my quote of the day. I hope that smile is beside you computer by now and if only for a moment smile:) Happy Birthday Breezy since I wished Kevin Happy Birthday on your(Breezy's) Birthday I have to treat you equally. Love and Miss you all. Big hugs
Tracy A. Jack

Jessica said...

Leslie, I've been thinking about you, and Kevin, and Breezy all day. You sound like you're going through a normal grief process, and I'm glad you have the blog for support. You're going to get through this. I'll be praying as you do!

Anonymous said...

My prayers go out to you in your own struggle to understand all that is happening and feeling powerless to make it better, which is what we moms do. Kevin as an American son is a son to all of us too and we want you to know that he and YOU are in our thoughts and hearts. Your son is a hero and his valor is what makes us all patriots - he protects feedom for the innocent and now is also one of the innocents fighting to get better. Pleas know that our hearts are filled with pride for him and love and wishes for recovery. Every day is a new chance and each and EVERY day we will continue to pray for Kevin to respond to you - but do know this - he DOES know that MOM is with him even if he can't tell you- there is a bond between mother and child that is unspoken and felt in the heart. My very best to you- thank you for being such a good mom to a wonderful young hero.
Debi

Anonymous said...

Remember one day at a time. Please take care of your daughter and you without guilt. You have to keep your strength up...and if you are worn out you can get discouraged easier. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Diane in Pittsburgh.

Anonymous said...

leslie,

I grew up without my father, and without a mother sometimes. I have gone through rough times and mostly had to do it on my own. i understand the question "why did this have to happen??" We do not choose who our family will be, and sometimes our family can walk out on us. But let me tell you from the depths of my heart that Kevin and Breezy have a unbelievably terrific mother with a heart of gold. You have ALWAYS been there for your kids even when things got tough! And now you are there, every second you're aloud to be. To comfort Kevin and Breezy every way your mothering heart tells you to. Of course your going to want to question things and wonder about your future, but the way I see it is today is the future. I would like to say to Breezy, You are one of the strongest people I know. you have been there for Kev just as much as mom. That is amazing to me. This is a very rough thing for someone to give up their whole lives to support their sibling. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!
Please be strong and be there for each other also. We all need to break down sometimes, that's ok. We all we be here to help pull you back up!! We love you all and are costantly hoping and praying that happy times will follow!! You are a strong family, and you have definetly made me see what I want my family to be. We worry too much about the little things and do not realize sometimes until it's too late how important our family should be to us. It seems to me that you three have always known and let each other know how important you are to each other. Thank you all for letting us in, you feel like you have become part of my family. If there is ever anything you need, you know where I am!!
Love you, Casie

Ashten said...

I hope he heard mine b/c i know if he did he would be laughing his ASS off hahaha
love you guys...stay strong
Ashten