Today was rough. Emotionally rough for me. Kevin is the same as he was yesterday so no changes there. But as you all know - today was his birthday. I can honestly say - it sucked big time.
This was the very first birthday for either of my kids where it wasn't a good day for said child (although Breezy's wasn't a barrel of laughs this week either - but we did try). I am a HUGE birthday person and this was just so hard to deal with today. To be honest, I sat on the garbage can in his room quite often today and just cried. I try not to do that in his room, but I just couldn't help it on his birthday. It's really just not fair that this kind of stuff happens to good people. Kev is truthfully one of the nicest people you could meet - not to say he was an angel because I know he wasn't - but he really was nice to everyone. I just don't understand why.
I couldn't help but think too that this could be what all of his birthdays end up being like. I know I shouldn't think like that, but it was just such a maudlin day that this is how my thoughts went. I mean, what am I going to do if he never wakes up? And at what point do you realize that he isn't going to wake up? 3 months? 6 months? A year? Two? At what point does the hope go away? And can I deal with it when it does? This just really sucks.
And some days I just feel so hopeless. So full of despair that this has happened. All I ever wanted was for my kids to have a happy and good life. Instead they get a father that walks out on them completely, financial struggles aplenty while they were growing up and constant battles and problems concerning every day life. And now this. And let's be frank - this didn't only happen to Kev - it also happened to Breezy. I know too that none of this was my fault and I didn't fail them as a parent, but it doesn't make it any easier to see what life has thrown at them.
This just really sucks. And you know what? I am depressing even myself so I think I am just going to go to bed and cry myself to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I am in a better mood and we have a better day and I also want to apologize now for ranting. But this is how the day was and this is my place to vent about it.
P.S. And thanks everyone for the birthday cards!! We take a few in daily and put them in bio-hazard baggies and read them to him. He may not hear us - but then again - he just might.
First 2 from the Nov kit!
1 year ago