Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Day 866 - Oct 12, 2010

I feel like I just took my little lamb to the slaughterhouse. Seriously. Kevin has no idea what is in store for him. Truthfully, neither do I. Maybe this will all be easy...I don't know. I am just scared to death that he is going to suffer unbearably this week (and later) when he has already suffered so much.

It's hard too because I am always honest with him. We always talk at length about each and every thing that we go through. We touch on the pros, the cons and everything in between. It was just so hard for me to not say 'Hey bud, this could be a bit rough' and give him a little warning of what could be coming his way.

But I couldn't. I knew if I did he may not go. I can't force him - he has quite a bit of height and weight on me so it's not like I can pick him up and put him in the car, so I just had to bite my tongue and not give him a reason to back out.

But I feel dishonest. And I feel sneaky. And I worry that he is going to realize that I was dishonest. And sneaky. I sure don't want to break the bond we have - if that happens we might as well give it up now, because going through everything we go through requires trust and understanding, as well as compassion and patience.

I have never done anything to break the trust of either of my children...until now. And it hurts my heart. It was the hardest thing to drive away from the hospital tonight knowing he will get a lesser dose with his morning meds and could possibly be feeling the effects before I am allowed to go in for visiting hours tomorrow.

What if he is in pain? Or is suffering like addicts do on TV when going through withdrawal? The what ifs are killing me.

This whole thing just really hurts my heart...


karen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
karen said...


Sorry for the delete, but my first hug was ineffective. Anyway, I'm sending all my best from the west coast, for both of you. And I know exactly what you mean. When you put honesty before everything else with kids (or anyone) breaking it is the most frightening thing in the world.

But I believe that your record is what you can cling to. He needs to do this, and this was the option you had for making it happen.

Anyway, hugs, hugs and more hugs.

Linda said...

Oh, my heart goes out to you...and big virtual hugs to you also!! I wish I could be there physically for support. You must have felt that Kevin could handle this deep down, or I am sure you would NEVER have agreed to the process. I pray that Kevin understands and does well! He is a very stong young man! Do not think negative. This is where God wants him to be in his healing process!! Again, major big hugs to you and your family

Anonymous said...

You did what you had to do. Know that many of us are praying it all works out for both of you.

Long-time RN said...

((Hugs)) A rough go for your emotions.
This is part of Kevin's healing process and hopefully the staff will reinforce to him the big picture importance of participating in this treatment.

Thoughts and prayers, Leslie.

Tina said...

As a mom I totally understand how you feel...but I don't think you were dishonest...you said it yourself, you don't know how it will be!!!Why worry him...
I pray that you both will be fine.
Try not to worry about all the ifs...all the what could be...
Hugs, Tina Dwyer

Anonymous said...

Leslie, you did what you thought was best for Kevin, as usual.
Hopefully it will all work out.
I am keeping you and Kevin in my thoughts and prayers...

bearlythr said...

Praying for peace of mind for you...as hard as this is, it is a step in his total healing and that is a good thing. I also pray for an easy transition for Kevin. God bless you both...you are always in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I pray that everything works out uneventfully. I understand what you are saying.
When it comes to your kids you want the best and try your best to do what's right. When our son was little- I believe going into preschool or Kindergarten he had to have a Dr. visit. I knew he had to have a shot and I felt like I was lying to him as we were driving up to the Dr. office. We were walking up there with all smiles with me knowing what I knew just made me feel like #$@&. So we go in and he has his shot. We leave and I guess with him being so young I wanted to have a special time and do some fun things to take his mind off of it. So we went to the park and had fun and he kept asking me if he had to have anymore shots. I kept saying no and that he wouldn't have to have anymore until he was older. He kept asking and I said I promise you don't have to have anymore right now. We get home and the clinic called. She said he needed one more that she forgot. Geez- I wanted so bad to have her give me the damn shot! ha I still remember that day so clearly and he's in high school now. Even after that time when we would go for something else, we would pull up and he would say, "Oh no, not this place Mommy!" It is just that you feel like you are misleading them when you don't tell them what you know ahead of time.
I guess in this situation with Kevin it is best to go in taking things as they come. I agree with not putting any type of idea in Kevin's head about what it might be like. It does make you feel very bad as a mom. And really, everyone is different and he may get through this wonderfully!
How long of a time frame do they expect this to take place? If he is in so much discomfort will they let him have more of his meds? Did they say how easy they will go on him if it isn't working too good? I pray that he will get through this soon and have one more thing in his past. He's done so well with everything he does, I'm hoping the pattern is the same here.
Hope today is a good one!
Hugs to you!
Take care,
Kathy in IA

Anne Van Atta said...

I hope they will understand Kevin's situation and treat him accordingly... you did the right thing,Leslie-not to get Kev worked up unnecessarily...you are always there for him, pulling for him- and if I'd look it up in Websters' there'd you be--the definition of a great mom! Please don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing what is best.

Love, Anne

janet said...

Thinking of you and Kevin today.