I feel like I just took my little lamb to the slaughterhouse. Seriously. Kevin has no idea what is in store for him. Truthfully, neither do I. Maybe this will all be easy...I don't know. I am just scared to death that he is going to suffer unbearably this week (and later) when he has already suffered so much.
It's hard too because I am always honest with him. We always talk at length about each and every thing that we go through. We touch on the pros, the cons and everything in between. It was just so hard for me to not say 'Hey bud, this could be a bit rough' and give him a little warning of what could be coming his way.
But I couldn't. I knew if I did he may not go. I can't force him - he has quite a bit of height and weight on me so it's not like I can pick him up and put him in the car, so I just had to bite my tongue and not give him a reason to back out.
But I feel dishonest. And I feel sneaky. And I worry that he is going to realize that I was dishonest. And sneaky. I sure don't want to break the bond we have - if that happens we might as well give it up now, because going through everything we go through requires trust and understanding, as well as compassion and patience.
I have never done anything to break the trust of either of my children...until now. And it hurts my heart. It was the hardest thing to drive away from the hospital tonight knowing he will get a lesser dose with his morning meds and could possibly be feeling the effects before I am allowed to go in for visiting hours tomorrow.
What if he is in pain? Or is suffering like addicts do on TV when going through withdrawal? The what ifs are killing me.
This whole thing just really hurts my heart...
First 2 from the Nov kit!
4 years ago