Day whatever, Apr 29, 2012

Sometimes you forget, ya know? I mean sometimes you're all caught up in the daily junk that is what we call life that you forget something that changed it all. We have just been so busy; I am really struggling to take care of Kevin and have a little something for me - my business. But tonight I had a few extra minutes and thought to myself 'let's start unpacking all those boxes in the office - you know the ones full of paperwork and mail from the last 4 years?'. So I started going through box after box and opening letter after letter, rereading card after card. I came across notes on how to do certain projects at Armstrong Cable when I worked there, Kevin's enlistment papers, I found so many cards and letters from people through the years and notebook after notebook filled with notes about Kevin for about the first year of this journey. Like the day he had his stroke and what we were going to do about the meningitis. Then there was the 'list of surgeries'. That flat out made me laugh because there were only about 12 on there. There was also a ridiculously long list of medications and on and on. I was doing well really. At this point anyway. Kinda chuckling at some of the stupid things I wrote. And smiling at some of the letters we received. I was thinking about how much more I know now than I did then. But then I opened this folder and staring back at me was my son, Kevin. In a nice, big 8x10 photo. From before. When he was normal. When life was normal. IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS THAT I FLIPPIN' HATE WHAT HAPPENED TO US!!!!!!!!!! Don't get me wrong - of course I am so happy that we have what we have. Kevin is doing unbelievably well, but damnit - why still does it have to be this way? Why couldn't he have just lost a toe or something dumb like that? Why can't he still be in the Army (or slinging burgers at McDonalds - I don't care)? Why can't I have a normal 8 hour a day job instead of a 24 hour one? Why can't we be near our friends? And family? Why can't Breezy be making almost double what she's making now because she had a GREAT job in PA with GREAT benefits! And we won't even discuss how I would be making at least triple what I do now and I sure wouldn't have to have 'inspectors' come to my home to make sure I'm doing it right. Then there's all the damn doctor's appointments. It is frickin relentless! We are both just so tired of it all that I haven't even called the therapist to resume work on his hand since we came home from Colorado. You know what I'd like? JUST ONE MONTH OF NO HOSPITALS OR DOCTOR'S OFFICES!!!!!!!!!!!! That's all - just 30 flippin days. It is really too much to ask for? And lawyers - PLEASE dispose of the need for any of them. It is ridiculous how they get tens of thousands of dollars a year from Kevin! Talk about raping an incompetent person; the court system surely does that! Ack! It really is just too much to bear sometimes. I usually do so well; mainly because I am kept too busy to think much about it, but tonight - seeing that picture just slammed a fist into my heart. It killed me to remember the boy I had before, the life ALL OF US had before. If I could only turn back time...