Sept 12, 2012

Sadly, my father passed away this morning at about 1am. My mother called me at about 7am yesterday and told me that while he was already in the hospital for 23 hour observation with a UTI, he had had a seizure and he was pretty much in a vegetative state. They didn't expect him to live even until she could get there - about a half hour drive - but they put him on forced oxygen and that kept his body alive until we could all get there. Kevin, Breezy, Christian and I all caught a flight at noon and my brother, sister and nephew all flew down from Pennsylvania a few hours later.

It was very difficult to see my dad like this. It was so unexpected. Yes, he was dying of cancer and yes, we all knew he would be going soon. But we really thought we had a little bit longer - at least enough time to really see the end is near. We were so hopeful that he would make it through the holidays.

I do suppose that this is better than the alternative. He has been suffering and we knew it would probably only get worse, but it still really hurts.

It was also so hard to first say your goodbyes and then to actually 'help' someone you love die. After fighting everyone and everything to keep Kevin alive, it just didn't make sense to me to remove the oxygen from someone that just looked like Kevin did in the beginning. I just kept saying that he'll be fine - I mean...just look at Kevin, right?

But, my family did decide to remove the oxygen shortly after midnight and although I tried so hard to stay in the room and watch him take his last breath, I just couldn't do it. As soon as the nurse came in and removed the mask, I started crying and just had to leave the room. Kevin stayed though to the very end. After a short while Breezy came out and told me that Kevin was just sobbing and for the first time I said to myself that he is on his own - I couldn't be there to protect him from this.

So my dearest father died very peacefully, breathing one second, just not the next. There was no gasping for breath like we had been warned so I must believe that my father really wasn't there mentally and I must believe that this what was best for him.

And my message to everyone out there - hug the ones you love and make sure they hear the words as well. You really just never know when it will be the last time you see them.

To my daddy - I couldn't have loved you any more than I did. I couldn't have had a better father. And I am so proud to have been your daughter. I love you!