Saturday, June 1, 2013

5/31/13 - Alive Day #5

Yes, today is The Day.  It's been 5 long (oh so long) years since that phone call came in.  I have been thinking all day about what to write on here, knowing that I had to today of all days.

I really did ok today.  I've been kinda bitchy, but I suppose that's allowed.  It's just hard - hard because I look at Kevin and see two sides of him on this day of the year.  The side that is such a miracle because he really has conquered so much over the last five years - I mean seriously - look at who he has become!  Look at what he can do!

But then there's that other Kevin.  The one I catch a glimpse of every now and then, but I don't allow myself to focus on.  The one who is burned and broken.  The one who tried so hard to tell a story tonight and just couldn't.  The one who still sees doctors every single week - and had to take so many pills.  The one having seizures that I am told can become grand mal at any time.  The one that is walking slower and slower as time progresses and who just lays in bed all the time because he is so limited on what he can do.  The one who is so damn lonely because he has been mostly forgotten by most of his friends and even worse - most of his family.

That is the Kevin that just breaks my heart.  And although I try so hard not to focus on the negativity, I just can't seem to NOT do it on this day every single year.

So, with that being said - I think I am going to just curl up in a ball and cry for a while.  I rarely do so, but I'm just gonna do it for a bit tonight.

And then I'll get up, help Kev with whatever he needs and like our good friend Butch says - 'wipe the sweat and dive on'.

To the Sheilds and Findlay families - I really don't have any reason to complain when I think about what you all feel.  To suffer the complete and utter loss of your loved ones has to be even more devastating than what we go through.  You are all in my heart on this day and every day.

To Daniel - I am so proud at how far you have come as well.  I know life isn't easy for either of you boys, but we are here for you should you ever need us.

12 comments:

Aggie said...

Well put Leslie...well put.
All I can say is I love you and Kevin. Been thinking of you all day...

Jessrose21 said...

I can't believe it's been 5 years already. It's sad to think of what he and you have been through and that Kevin is so lonely. That just breaks my heart.

I continue to think of you and keep you in my prayers.

The Decapitator - aka The hat lady said...

God bless you Leslie. God strengthen you ALL for this ongoing battle and give you peace and hearts ease. Thank you - yes YOU - for your service as well as thanks to Kevin for his service.

Wife of a Wounded Soldier said...

I pray for peace and understanding for you. It is so hard to see them suffer day after day. It's hard to see the people that walk out and don't try to understand them. You have every right to feel like you do.

Pat said...

Leslie...my husband just asked me yesterday if there was anything new regarding the "soldier whose Mom's blog I read". I told him you didn't post frequently anymore...understandably so...but popped in tonight and found this 5/31 post. I am sure it was a hard day for you, but then I know they are all hard. I can understand missing the boy Kevin was and the man he may never be...but I can also understand the pride you feel in his accomplishments over the past 5 years. What I cannot understand is family & friends who have walked away. Nope! Can't do it...never ever! Please know that while we have no physical contact, there are still many of us who think of you and Kevin often, are thankful for his service to our Country, and will not forget!

Cissy Andrews said...

Just found your blog via a message board and wanted to say how glad I am to know that Kevin has a wonderful and caring mother and sister. :) Please let him know that he's "got a friend". Wish I was there to help you and Brianna out so that y'all can take a break and take time out for yourselves.

Love and PEAce and blessings to you two and for Kevin. Give him a hug for me.

Cissy Andrews

Sara Johnson said...

Still one of the most amazing days of my life was having the pleasure of meeting you and Kevin on that Gulfstream. Miss you

KendaLampe said...

Leslie, I am new to this blog, so I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for posting when you can. I imagine your days are pretty full, but I appreciate so much your willingness to share your struggles with others, and by doing that, help them feel a little less alone. That has to be the hardest part, the "Does anyone know we're still swimming out here?" feeling that isolation in your situation can bring. So even in your sharing, you are bringing comfort to an unknown mother, or wife somewhere, who deals with, and meets challenges similar to yours. You are one courageous lady.God blessyoublessyoublessyou,and that precious son of yours. We owe you so much.

Kris said...

To our brave hero Kevin -

I wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers in a very special way today, Veteran's Day. There are no words to adequately express my appreciation and thanks for everything that you have done and for the immeasureable sacrifices that you have made and make for me, my family, this great country and our sweet precious Freedom. This great country could never, would never exist without you and all of our brave heroes past, present and future. God bless you and Thank You from the very bottom of my heart.

Hope that you have been doing and feeling well. There are always thoughts, prayers, support and strength being sent to you and your family each and every day. God bless you.

- Kris, a Soldiers' Angel from RI

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to pass on a salute to Kevin on this veteran's Day. My son was with 1/503 during the same deployment, and I do want you to know that you and Leslie are not forgotten. You both continue to serve even to this day. God bless you both.

A Father

Pat said...

From an old reader...just wanted to wish you both a Merry Christmas!

Pat said...

Just checking in to see if by chance you have posted. I think of you and Kevin often...the anniversary of the death of my cousin's son who was killed in Afghanistan was recently...9 years. Doesn't seem possible! Whenever I think of Michael, which is often, I always think of Kevin and the sacrafice he too made for our Country. Hoping you and Kevin are doing well and know that there are those who will never ever forget!