All day long I thought Kev was awake. His eyelid was open and his pupil just kept moving all over the place. I was excited - yet devastated. I honestly thought he was aware that we were there. And every time I had to leave the room to cool down or just because there was a break in visiting hours, I really kept thinking that Kev was feeling like I was abandoning him. I just thought that he was scared and if he didn't hear mine or Breezy's voice - he would be even more scared. My heart was so heavy every time I left his room. I honestly felt like a horrible parent.
I mean, honestly. Can you imagine waking up and not being able to move your body, talk, maybe not be able to see or hear? You possibly have no idea why you are there...or maybe you do. I'm not actually sure which would be worse. I can't even fathom the fear that any person would feel in this type of situation, no matter what gender or what age. It would have to be terrifying.
So tonight I started crying when I had to leave for the night because his eye was still open and I didn't want him to feel alone and scared. I explained to the nurse what I was feeling and she assured me that he is still in a stage 5 coma and that his pupil is not following anything. I have to admit that I had about a fraction of a second of relief because then Kev didn't feel the abandonment I was worried about, but then it hit me that he really isn't even aware that we are there.
That's pretty friggin hard to deal with. And it's not like I don't already know it. But I guess sometimes I can fool myself into believing that he knows. That he knows I'm rubbing his shoulder, and telling him it's going to be alright, and singing him little songs and reading him a book. That he knows his sister is telling him stories of the things they have done together and reminding him of our family song and telling him about all of the posts and comments on the blog. I just really can put myself in a place where I do believe he knows these things. I suppose it's the only way to deal with a situation like this...
And while I am thinking about it - to you military guys/gals out there? I know that you are all tough men and women. And I can pretty much guarantee that WHEN Kevin wakes up he's gonna smack my hand away and tell me to quit treating him like a baby, but you know what? He's just gonna have to smack my hand away because in times like this - you are all somebody's baby. And mommas always want to take away the hurt - no matter how old you are. So call your mom (or whomever means the most to you) - especially if you are deployed. I promise - it will mean the world to her.
First 2 from the Nov kit!
12 years ago
24 comments:
Hi Leslie
I've only found out today and I'm so sad to hear about Kevin.
I'm keeping you and the family in my prayers.
Hugs & love
Yasminx
I read your blog every night when I get home from work. (Or should I say morning it is 4am). Kevin, you and Breezy has not left my thoughts. Please know you are in my Prayers. Kevin has been added to our Prayer list at church. (Mater Dolorosa/St Joseph in Chicora). Kevin has also been added to our Prayer Chain. I also talked with a lady from another Church here in Chicora and they are going to be praying for Kevin as well. The number of people praying for you guys keeps growing.
Trust in the Lord. He is there to see you all through this.
"still somebodies baby" That is so true.....in a way they never grow up in our hearts. We drive them nuts with our worries. We want to always protect them from harm and make the hurt go away. They will always be our babies.
You are a wonderful loving mother.
Your children are blessed to have such a loving mother.
You have become an inspiration to many of us.
Love and Prayers Lori Ritzert
Leslie,
I'll keep this short because I know that I can offer no possible words that will ease your pain, calm your fears, or end your frustration with this tragic situation. Just keep on keeping on, and always hold on to hope even when things seem hopeless. I was excited to hear that you made some type of communication contact with Kevin. Maybe the next time you talk to Kevin, you could tell him to keep fighting and get well soon, because I'll have a "Rocky's" pizza and an order of breadsticks(no sauce) waiting for him when he finally comes home.
Keep praying,
Rich Infantino
Leslie,
You have always been one of the best mothers I have ever known! as long as I have known you i've seen you put your children before ALL others ,even yourself. So don't you believe for a second that Kev doesn't know you and Breezy are there. the bonds of family are tighter and more powerful than any obstacles you may find in your way!! Kevin is a strong person, (because of you) and he WILL find a way to get better. You would not even believe how much support you and your family have from ALL over the world! I know as a mother sometimes you don't know where the strength will come from to get through tomorrow. I hope somehow that having all these wonderful people praying will help you get through.Keep talking and singing until Kev pushes that hand away. We ALL love you guys very much and want you back home!!!!
Leslie, I am the grandmother of two of Kevin's cousins. Kara is in the Army National Guard and Mitch is in the Air National Guard. The day before Kara left for basics and I had to say goodbye I told her to remember that she would always be my "Baby Girl". I am so proud of our family as our young ones are in the Armed Forces for all of us. They may not all be over seas but could be called at any time. I must say that I am so very proud of you. I don't know if I could be as strong as you are and be able to write about what is going on at this time of your life. I pray for you, Kevin, Breeze and Tim all the time. You are all in my thoughts at every waking moment. You have really made the point come across that family is everything and to tell our loved ones that we truly love them. God Bless you all. Love Kevin's Aunt Judy
Hi Leslie,
I can't imagine the feelings and pressure you must experience when you struggle with having to leave Kevin for the night. I have seven kids. I realized years ago that if there were a disaster, I couldn't possibly save them all. I used to have nightmares of various accidents and having to save which ever ones I could reach. There were always others that I couldn't save and I would wake up crying. I guess that's when I began to "entrust" them to God. I began to ask Him to take care of them because the job was bigger than me. I started reading the Psalms because there was so much comfort there. Here is one that still comforts me. It tells me that God can be in places where I can't.
" Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head."
(Kind of like stroking the hair of the child you love.)
"Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from Your presence! If I go up to heaven, You are there; if I go down to the grave, You are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there Your hand will guide me, and Your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night--but even in the darkness I cannot hide from You. To You the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to You.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body (this includes the brain)and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous--how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, You are still with me!" Psalm 139: 1 - 18
He also says, "I will never leave you or forsake you."
I figure if the God of the Universe, Our Creator, went to so much detail when He made us, and watches over us with every breath that we take, HE IS THAT CLOSE TO KEVIN, TO YOU AND TO BREEZY. HE IS RIGHT THERE.
This has been my prayer for Kevin since I first heard--that the God of the Universe who loves Kevin so much would be there speaking to Kevin in the depths of the Coma. That He would speak words of comfort. That He would work in Kevin's body as no doctor could. God know where Kevin is--where Kevin's spirit is. We can't get to that place, but God's Spirit can. Kevin may not be able to hear you, but I guarantee you, he can hear God's Spirit, God's words.
God can't lie. I figure if He says He will never leave me, He really means it. If He says He is everywhere, He really means it. If He says He thinks about us all the time, He really means it. He cannot lie.
So this is how I draw comfort. I think about the one absolute TRUTH in the Universe, The God who Created me, and I hang on to that.
Our situations change moment by moment--BUT GOD DOESN'T.
I don't know the outcome of your situation. I don't know the outcome of mine. I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I do know that God will be there tomorrow as He is today.
And so, I decided to ask Him to watch over my children. It comforts me. I really do trust Him with their lives--however many days, months, years that will be. It enables me to sleep at night. It is kind of like asking Him to carry something that is way to heavy for me to lift. He is strong when I am not.
I pray you will know the REST that comes from giving Him all your burdens and concerns. I pray He will comfort your heart when it is tough to leave your baby's side.
Ruthie
Leslie, it has become habit for me to read your blog first thing every morning. Keep believing. I know Kevin knows you are there, I don't care what the nurses and docs say. They can't see into his soul. I believe he communicated to you and Breezy the other day. So try to take comfort in that. He is not alone when you have to leave his room. God is there with him and the prayers of all of us are there with him. I know he can feel your love and hear you when you sing and talk to him. We will continue to pray for all of you. Take care and keep strong. Melissa Ion, from the store.
Leslie, Kevin knows you are there with him, he knows your touch and maybe he can't tell you but trust that he knows and is comforted by knowing that you and Breezy are there with him. I am praying for you all everyday as so many are.
Love and prayers to you all.
Laura Hogan
To all: I firmly believe that Kevin can feel your love. By sound and touch. I know all medical reasons also. Keep on believing because it is there. I all send hugs and kisses to all of you. Thank you for the daily updates. I is so nice to follow with you all.
Love Dyan
Leslie, I do believe that Kevin is comforted by your presence, and is aware of your love which surrounds him. That's the bond a child and mother will always have. And that is what will get both Kevin and you through this. Love and prayers for all of you.
Hey Les, Breezy,,I absolutely believe the Kev knows when his mom and big sis is with him, he draws from the love and the inner stength that the two of are sending when your present in that room with him. Just your touch alone,,,,, he knows its from you,,,he knows. I Pray and love you guys. Karen Caldwell
You are so right about that Les. Sometimes you just have to let a mom do her thing! EVERYONE is somebody's baby! You "baby" all you want!...Because admit it or not.. Everybody loves having "mom" take care of them ..in one way or another. It's what moms do best. AND you are doing just what Kevin needs! I KNOW you being in that room supporting him is helping him through this and comforting him so much! A mothers presence is always known!!!
Breezy, your mom: Kevin knows your with him, keep talking, singing to him, being there for him. the love, prayers will be answered. take a day at a time. with all my love and prayers, Donna Scherer younce also need your rest also. take care.
The human brain is a mysterious thing and science doesn't know everything about the subconscious mind. I believe somewhere in his subconscious mind, Kevin knows you're there. When I was in college, I was interested in Music Therapy, and went on a field trip to a nursing home to watch a Music Therapist work. I remember this old guy was kind of babbling, not making any sense, and you could tell that the dementia was pretty bad. The therapist started strumming her guitar, then played an old tune, and I swear, it was like a miracle how the old man sort of came alive and was singing along and actually making sense!! The point of my story is, where there's life, there is hope. You just never know what will reach Kevin and when it will happen.
The Bible says "do not be anxious about anything, but in all things, with prayer and petition, make your requests know to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." This is what I pray for you! I just pray that God's love and peace would surround you and Breezy and that He would bring you rest.
Les and Breezy, Kevin does know that you are there. He CAN feel your touch and he CAN hear your voices don't let them tell you that honey. You cry all the Mom tears you need to cry because there are many many other Mom's hurting for YOU and Breezy and we are crying too. I am so glad Moe helped me find this blog I have to read everyday and write you. I am sure that you are getting tired of me but I love ya and humor a little like you did when you were teaching me about this darn computer. Love ya, Pam Moore
Hi Leslie,
My name is Mitch Thomsen, I am currently deployed to Kosovo. Me and keven were in the same platoon in basic training. We were pretty good friends. I was devastated when I heard. My heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to kevin and your family. He is a good person and an even better soldier. I hope he recovers quickly. Army doctors are the best in the world and there isn't a better hospital to be in. I can personally attest to that fact, I had to have my face reconstructed at the end of AIT because it got crushed in and today you can't tell anything ever happened. They can do amazing things and they will do everything they can for Kevin. If you want to contact me my email is mitchell.thomsen@us.army.mil
I'll be praying for Kevin.
Mitch
Dear Leslie & Breezy:
I just heard the news last night from Diana. My heart aches for you both, and for Kevin. It's so strange because just a short time ago, out of the blue, you popped into my head and I was wondering where you are now and how things are going for you. I saw Diana last night at the game and asked her and she told me what had happened.
There are really no words that anyone can say that can lessen your pain or make things any easier for you. Just being a mom literally makes my heart ache knowing what you must be going through.
My Joey was hospitalized when he was two with a heart rate of 220 and a fever of over 106F. They had no idea what was wrong or what the outcome would be. Our ordeal only lasted four days but it was the worst four days of my life. I can not even imagine finding the strength that you have.
Please know that Mike and I, and our entire family are thinking about - and praying for - you and your family. I will put the word out to friends, family and at church for continued prayers for Kevin and his recovery, and for you and Breezy for strength and hope. I believe in miracles with my whole heart - don't ever give up hope. If there is anything we can do for you, please let us know. I will keep in touch. Stay strong!!!!
Love LuAnn Dalessio, RV, PA
Dear Leslie & Breezy:
It's Diana's sister-in-law, Lu Ann. The strangest thing happened. Just recently, out of the blue, you popped into my head and I wondered where you were and how you were doing. I saw Diana last night at the ball game and asked her and she told me your tragic news.
I spent some time today reading your blog, sharing in your journey, and I can honestly say that I am crying with you right now. Even if I hadn't known you personally, just one mother to another, I feel your pain and my heart literally aches for you and your family.
I don't know if you remember, but when Joey was two he was hospitalized with the chicken pox. His heart rate was 220 and his temperature was off the charts (over 106F). The doctors didn't know why or what the outcome would be. I can honestly say that those were the worst four days of my life and I can't even imagine where you are finding the strength to go on.
It sounds like your daughter (who I still picture as a little girl) has grown into a wonderful young lady, and your son into a hero.
I am so sorry that this tradegy has hit you. Please know that Mike and I, and our family, our praying for Kevin's recovery and for strength and hope for you and Breezy. I believe whole heartedly in miracles, so please don't give up hope. Keep fighting for your son as he continues to fight for himself.
I kind of think it's a good sign that you popped into my head. If there is anything at all that we can do for you, please let us know. I will continue to follow your journey and pray for good news. God Bless all three of you. Love, Lu Ann,Mike and family
PS: My niece is in the army, stationed in Hawaii and we worry constantly that she will be deployed.
I believe he does know. Not the stuff you fear - like why isn't Mom here.. But the calling you are doing each day in your way to come to you. The love you and your family give to him. He knows.
I just was informed of your blog today. So forgive me not knowing more than two posts.
Mother to mother, I am with you. I will pray for Kevin. And send him into my prayer group and a healing service I go to Monday.
I pray for his recovery, for peace for you and your family.
Hi Leslie and Breezy, just wanted to let you know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. It was so nice to talk with you the other day. I learned more about the last day Andrew had from you. Thank you for sharing Kevin with me and to know that Andrews death was not in vain. Remember it is okay to cry and scream and I am just a phone call away. Take yourself and Breezy out for some ice cream. I have found that helps me. Again I am sending Blessings to you.
We love you.
Wendy
mother of PFC Andrew Shields RIP
Leslie,
I can understand how you are feeling and I read your blog every day. Through your blog you are expressing what each of us are thinking or feeling and understand when it comes to our own children. My children and I discuss you and Kevin and Breezy every day together and what you are posting on your blog and what you must be going through and we count our blessings and say a prayer for all of you!
Trust me Leslie, Kevin does know you are there and knows what you are doing for him. I was in an auto accident that left me in a coma for 19 days in 1985 and even though I do not have much memory of those days, I do know and can recall seeing my parents being there with me every day. The brain and body do behave in strange ways while healing, trust me I know, I experienced it first hand. My mother kept a notebook of what my progress was and there are many entries of things I said or did that I do not recall saying or doing. But I do know that they were there and I know that they also needed their rest at the end of the day. Kevin understands and knows you need your rest also Leslie and Breezy so that you can continue to be the Great Mother you are being to him. Keep up the great job you are doing and our prayers are still with you! And yes, your list of people praying for all of you is growing every day!!! Love you all !!!
Shari Allison Goodyear
Les, I know that I have already written today but I am so excited I just found the pray for Kevin braclets and got some. I have been looking for them. Love ya, Pam
Leslie,
I read the comments left by so many....and cannot find suitable words to add. Please know that you, Breezy and Kevin are on my heart and mind as I go though my day. I catch myself wanting to complain about some stupid thing and instantly there you are Leslie front and center in this battle and suddenly I am humbled by your strength and courage. We never think that our lives can impact others.....Kevin's life is having a huge impact as is yours and Breezy's.
Much love...Patti
Leslie and Brianna,
First of all...you are a very good Mother, Leslie and Brianna, the best sister Kevin could ever ask for. : )
You two are very strong women, whether you know it or not. The things you've both been through shows the inner strength you both have. Are you sure you're not strong, stubborn Irish girls ??
What you are living is a nightmare..something no family should have to go through. I pray for Kevin each and every single day. I pray for you two and your family and friends alike.
God NEVER EVER leaves us...no matter how alone we may feel. HE is always with us. When you feel your weakest and most afraid, HE is right there getting you through the task at hand.
Leslie..your kids know you are there for them...no matter what. They know you always put them ahead of yourself. Your actions, love, dedication and simply the Mother that you are shows that.
When we bring these babies into the world, they are just that ( no matter how old they are ) and they are our responsibility until WE take our last breath. When Kevin awakens, you make sure and tell him that !! A Mother loves unconditionally..forever.
I need to buy 3 Kevin bracelets when they are back in stock. I am sending two to "my babies" and one for me. They've been checking with me to see how Kevin, you and Brianna are doing.
I always remember seeing Kevin out on his skateboard. I know we are building a skateboard park here in East Brady. I'd like to see it named the Kevin Kammerdiener Skate Park. Wonder what strings we'd have to pull to get that done? He is very deserving..to say the least.
Your therapy in writing this blog has made all of us realize just how fragile life is. Like you, I talk to my kids each and every single day and we ALWAYS tell each other many times "I love you"... Aren't we lucky Moms to have the relationship with our kids that we have ??
One of my favorite movies is "What About Bob" with Bill Murray. He talks about getting through life each day taking "baby steps"... Somehow that's how some of us live our lives and it seems to work. Baby steps..for Kevin, you and Brianna and remember "God is always by your side..even when sometimes it feels like HE is not"..
Pam Moore..it makes me smile when I see your message to the girls each day. You're a good lady. : )
I've tried to get your personal e-mail address, Leslie, to no avail so it was time. I needed to send my support and MORE LOVE FROM EAST BRADY. Come home soon...all three of you.
Love,
Lisa
PS..A very special lady once shared her favorite scripture with me. Now I will share it with you. You will get comfort by reading Psalm 118.
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