Lots of feelings in my head and my heart today so if y'all don't want to hear me bitching, this might not be the post to read. I gotta say - because this blog has become so huge, I have tried to leave a lot of my personal feelings out of it, but I can't do it tonight. I am angry and I am scared and I need to vent.
As for being scared - this of course is all about Kev. They took him down for a CT Scan a couple of hours ago because he stopped absorbing any fluids yesterday afternoon. They even stopped his tube feeds. It had been an hour and a half and I called back to be told that they are working on him. They believe that he is working on getting another infection - this one in his heart. Steve just died last week because of infection in his heart and I gotta say - I don't want my son to die. I am so scared right now. I honestly can't imagine living this life without my son in it. I will - but only for my daughter, whom I also love immeasurably. But I don't want to. I want him to get well. I want him to wake up and say "Hi Mom" like he always did when he called.
Kev? If you can hear me...me and Breeze need you here with us. You gotta come through this. Not only for us though - but for everyone who reads this. For all your fellow comrades, for all your friends and for all of your family. Honestly, this world just wouldn't be the same without you in it. And you know what? I know this for a fact! I got a phone call today at the hospital from a soldier with the last name Keith. He had just heard and had to call and tell me that none of the guys would have made it through Basic without you. He said that they could all be having the worst day and you would all go back to the barracks and you would start crackin' your jokes. He had nothing but good things to say about you and it just re-enforced my belief in how special you are. You gotta do this, Kev. You gotta hear my voice!
As for the anger - for those of you that know us personally - y'all will understand. For those of you that don't - you need to know that my kids' father walked out of their lives close to 10 years ago. Not one word from either him or any member of his family in all that time.
So now? All of a sudden - here is Tim acting like he cares. Acting like he knows the man that Kevin has become. Frankly, it pisses me off. I think it is very nervy of him to come here and it's also very nervy of his mother and brother and sisters to think they have any right to see my son. As far as I'm concerned - they all gave up their rights years ago when they ALL turned their backs on my kids.
I have kept my thoughts on this private for two weeks now. I sit in that waiting room with Tim acting like he is freakin' father of the year. That is such bullshit! I can't even go outside and sit with the other mothers because he is there. And Breeze? Can you imagine? Not only does she have to deal with everything going on with Kev - but also with all these confusing emotions about Tim. It's just not right. I wished for years that he would come back and be part of their lives - now I just wish he would leave.
I'm sorry too! I'm sorry that I need to say these words, but I am about at the end of my rope. My personal belief - he doesn't want to be here. But how can he not be? If the community he lives in found out what happened to Kev and found out he didn't come - he would be shunned. I watch him go back in to see Kev and he is in there sometimes only 3 or 4 mins. That's not going in. It takes longer than that to put everything on (gown, hat, gloves etc). You know what he does? He goes into the anteroom and just looks at him. Now isn't that nice? You can't tell me he is here for his son. He's here because it makes him look good.
Just go home, Tim. Just freakin go home!!!!!
First 2 from the Nov kit!
12 years ago
34 comments:
Let it out Mama Leslie you can only take so much before you explode. I love you and I'm praying for my future husband to come home so we can run away. Tell Brianna I love her and I'm mailing your bracelets to you tomorrow. Always in my thoughts and prayers.
Love you!
Jess
Sending a huge virtual HUG now. My heart is aching for you, Kevin and Breezy. I can't think of anything enlightening to say except that YOU are an incredible mother...for all you have gone through raising the kids on your own and now this... you are stonger and more incredible than many women have ever had to be. Wish I could be there to give you a hug and you let scream and cry and vent all you want. And although I don't really know Kevin or Tim, from all you have written, it is clear that your son has become more of a man than Tim ever was or ever will be....
Leslie,
Your feelings are not wrong, you have every right to feel that way. I think that it shows what kind of person that you are that you were able to keep your mouth shut for two weeks while he acts like father of the year. All that is important is the Kevin knows that you and Breezie are there, and I am sure that he does. YOU are the one who gives him comfort. YOU are the one who is willing to give up everything for YOUR son. Stick to your guns, at the end of this whole mess you and Breezie and Kevin will be the three left. Just like it has been for the last ten years. I can only hope that I can someday be half the mother you are. Take care and stay strong. We are sure praying for you all.
AJ
leslie i know where you are coming from as far as Tim...if he was any kind of a father he would have been there all along no matter what went on between you and him..when kevin wakes up, (he's just taking a break right now) he will know that you and breezy are the ones that were always there..and from what i know of kevin, he is more of a man than Tim will ever be. As far as venting, it is better to let it out and your friends that are reading this dont mind one bit. i know i dont mind. you, breezy and kevin are still in our thoughts and prayers...you guys be strong for kevin and your friends will be strong for you...take care..east brady loves you guys...
This is your blog; use it as you see fit. If that means that Tim's shortcomings get exposed, so be it. You are no longer beholden to him.
You obviously know what's most important - helping Kevin heal, showing your continued love to Breezy and your family, and keeping yourself sane and healthy. Nothing else matters.
Keep your chin up and keep focusing on the important things. The other stuff will only waste your much needed energy.
-ida
Pastor Ed from Martinsburg here again...just want to share with you a passage of scripture that Christ says..."come to me...all who are weary, and I will give you rest." Please remember that there are many of us praying not only for Kevin's health, but for your sanity and strength as you battle through this situation. Again, please do not hesitate to contact us if you are in need of ANYTHING!!! Thank you for being honest and sharing your heart. It is a beautiful thing when someone just lays it out there in utter honesty.
God Bless
I love you Leslie.....
Les, Say it all as you see it sister! (I know someone else who'd act just like tim.) Screw him Les, save your sanity and strength for the most important people in your life-and that is Kevin and Breezy. And don't be afraid of venting because you NEED to do it. I love you all so much and my heart aches knowing Kevin is in the condition he's in and that you and Breezy are going through this. I pray everyday for you 3 and I will continue to pray even after Kevin, you and Breezy come back to PA. All my love, thoughts and prayers!
Love, Diana
Hey leslie it's ash....personally i think it's bullshit that he's there. You said that if his community found out what happened to his son and the fact that if he didn't come he would get shunned. Well do they know that for the past 10 years he could have given 2 shits about kev and breezy...no probly not. In my opinion not being a part of your childs life is far far far worse then if he wouldn't be there right now. How can he be a part of a kevins life now...he doesn't even know who kevin is. Wish i was there to give you all a big hug =] but like so many other people have said you are an amazing amazing mother...i don't know to many mothers that can raise to children practically on there own and have them turn out as good as breezy and kev did.
Hang in there...i'm still praying!!!
LOVE YOU!
Leslie I just have to say I went to my church today and told them about your son and what has happened. My whole church is praying for you, your daughter, and Kevin. I will be praying for you as well. I've only talked to you at work, but the conversations I have had with you, I have learned how much you love your children and how proud you are of both of them. My heart goes out to you. If you need anything at all just email me because that's the quickest way to get a hold of me.
Brandy, TSR Armstrong
ndy681@zoominternet.net
Leslie,
Let all out...I know how you feel. I was married to Tim's cousin and trust me it must be a family trait. My ex wasn't there for his children either!And my ex only shows up or tries to be a father when it benefits him as it seems Tim is doing now! Any true father would be there for his children no matter what! Hang in there and stay strong for Kevin and Breezy's sake and for your own sanity! I have known you since high school and trust me...you are an awesome mother who always put her children first as well as a great friend and a strong woman who's priorities and heart is always in the right place. That shows in seeing the wonderful young adults that Breezy and Kevin have become! My thoughts and prayers are with you and I am sending tons of love and hugs to you and Breezy and Kevin. Love you!!!
Shari Allison Goodyear
Leslie,
I've been thinking the same thing about some members of the community. When Kevin used to skate board around town, everyday he would get kicked out of a different place. They canceled the skate park that we wanted to put in, and passed laws to keep him off the sidewalks. Now the same people are rallying behind him and outpouring their love.
Either all of these people are full of crap, or they didn't realize what they had until it was gone. Maybe this is what some of Kev's family is going through right now. They took Kevin for granted all this time, and now they don't know what to do about the guilt.
You're in our prayers,
Pete
Never hold back here...this is to help you deal, not for us to feel good!!!
I hope you don't mind, but I told Lakewood Church (Joel Osteen) about Kevin and Dan and there is a very big community praying for them and for you.
As a mom it breaks my heart knowing what you are dealing with.
Please take care of yourself and never give up hope...
Tina Dwyer, El Paso, TX
That stinks Les. Focus all your energy on Kevin and what he needs.. all the other crap is just not important right now. I can only imagine your frustration!! Hugs!
Les - I'm glad you have a place to vent - this is YOUR space. Focus on taking care of you & Breezy, so that you can be strong for Kevin. Know that you are loved and I continue to keep your family in my prayers!
Wish I could be there for a big HUG!
love you!
Maddy
Leslie, I am with the 173rd Airbornes Brigade Assoc. If ya need anything or just want to vent - know that I am always here. I have also been in touch with the families of the 2 young men who were with your son who did not make it. They want you to know that their thoughts and prayers are with you and Kevin. If you would like contact email me at deborayashinski@yahoo.com Love Mommaski
Leslie, I'm so sorry that you even have to think about anything other than your children right now. The whole situation makes me angry,too. But Kevin and Breezy both know the parent who loves them, the one who has ALWAYS been there for them, the one they can always count on. My prayers are with you, Les, and with Kevin and the doctors who are treating him. Much love!!
Leslie, What a strong and powerful woman you are. You not only have 2 wonderful children, but you have pulled the whole world together for so many with your daily blog. You have reminded everyone to love one another as Jesus wants us too. For each of us to hug our children for life does change in a split second. Prayers for your family are all around the world. Stay focused on the important, trust in God to deal with everything else. Our love for all is very strong. Kevin's great Aunt Judy
take mammaski's advice...contact her. she's been there and done that. she's a good person to talk to. remember the whole 173d association is pulling for you and kevin.
an old skysoldier
I agree with everyone else. This is your journal--say whatever you want. Kevin's father is probably feeling very guilty, and he will feel that for the rest of his life. You, on the other hand, have no reason to feel guilt, and that is a blessing. I give you a lot of credit for your self-control. I admire your strength...
Connie Fleeger
Hey Leslie, It's Pam. We have talked about this before and I know what you are saying. Nothing wrong with that honey. Just know that Kev knows and feels you there. I know that is true honey and God knows what a wonderful Mom you are as well as all of us back here praying for you three and the Doc, taking care of him. Just your space for what you need honey and know how much I think of you and have thought about you and missed you even before this happened. Kev was mentioned in our prayers at church again yesterday. Keep the faith Les it is God that will get you through this. Love ya bunches
Leslie, I am thinking of you and your family. You can say whatever you want to say on your blog. It is ok to feel like you do. I am sorry this is so difficult for your daughter, as well. Hang in there - lots of people are praying for ya'll.
Deb
zLeslie and Breezy,
You both have the whole town of East Brady behind you, praying for Kevin everyday. You all are in our thoughts. I was watching old home movies the other day and came across the one of me and Breezy when we were probably around 8 or so singing "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to". In the apartment above the Pizza Shop with a microphone and all. I wish we were back to those simpler times, when all we had to worry about is who's house we were going to play at. I look forward to the day when you ALL come home.
Love,
Frankie &
The Infantino's
Leslie, we've had conversations before about our exes and being single mom's and kids!!! You keep your chin up!!! I am sure I don't have to tell you to take care of Kevin and don't worry about ANYTHING else. Again all our thoughts and prayers!! Sharon, Zach and Haleigh
Leslie
You have every right to feel the way you do! I know I would feel the same way. You've never met me, but Kevin and I are friends and I just wanted to say how thankful I am that you keep this blog. It is so helpful and it really keeps all of us up to date on what is going on. Thank you for that.
I wrote a little something today I thought you might want to read.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=26555663&blogID=406428453&Mytoken=78656CA1-D6DF-42FD-9139CC6B6CE712C6126589200
Bonnie Weibel
Leslie,
I think you were probably too kind with your thoughts when it comes to their dad. I didn't know him much, but I know he hurt Kevin by the way he just ignored him for the past 10 years. Kevin told me that himself when we worked together. When Kevin wakes up, he'll probably tell him to get the hell out!! As far as Tim's hometown not knowing how he treated his kids the past 10 years, well, I think they probably know it now from reading your blog. You have to vent. You can't keep all those feelings in. You have alot of people behing you and we're waiting for you to bring Kevin home.
Always in our thoughts,
Tracy Snow
Les, I'm keeping you and Kevin and Breezy in my thoughts and prayers. You know how I feel about the "absent dad" syndrome. Don't spend your energy on him. It's just not worth it. I love you, friend!!!!!
My wife and I are the parents of a 1st LT. in the 173rd 2/503. Kevin and your family are in our thoughts and in our prayers. Our hearts go out to Kevin and your family. God bless all of you.
Maryann and Mike DeMarco
Leslie, Breezy and Kevin, You are all in our thoughts and prayers. I desperately want to do anything I can to help. I would try helping by taking a collection or having a benefit for you, Kev and Breezy, in the Kittanning area only if its ok with you. I found your blog site in the Butler Eagle and am following along with the help of my sister's computer. I pray that you stay stong and know that God will help bring you all back to Pa. soon. And if you find that you need someone to talk to please call me, Moe has my number if you don't have it.
you Kev, and Breesy are in my thoughts and prayers every day.
Many blessings,
Albie
Leslie,
I spoke to Missy tonight so I am forwarding the blog information that I created after meeting with everyone last night at the Cloud. I will be changing it some and making any changes or deletions that you want. When you bring up your site Mended Wings at the top of the page type in http://kevkammbenefit.blogspot.com/ that should bring up the blog that I made. Take care of yourself and Breezy and give Kev love from all of us. Lori
"GRACE" Gods Riches at Christs Expense"
When awful things happen we ask ourselves why. We blame God and shake our fist at him as we see the ones we love suffer. God created a perfect world for us and Satan's deception of the truth to Adam & Eve opened a door to sorrow and pain. This curse remains to this day for mankind...but God loves us and offers us a way back to him through the Grace of His Son Jesus Christ. God sent His Son to take on this curse we inherited through Adam and Eve, by dying on the Cross in our place. As an innocent Lamb, Jesus died to set us free. What manner of Love the Father has shown us buy sending His one and only Son to forgive us and Love us. He stands at the door of our hearts and knocks softly awaiting us to open up and invite Him in to ease our pain and help us get through this life with the hope of returning back to God our Father.
My prayer is that Kevin would come to know the Saviour that Loves him and would be in a peaceful slumber as he heals from his wounds. That he can return once again to his beloved East Brady and help build a beautiful skate park and teach little children the joy of skateboarding that he loves so much and left behind to serve our country. Thank you so much Kevin for loving us so much to go to a far away place and face danger and injury to keep us safe. Kevin you know the meaning of GRACE. Please Lord Jesus be with Kevin and his mom Leslie and sister Breezie and provide them with all their needs.
Well that just ROCKS! Happy for you.
-Sean
UNREAL! I know Tim and Beth very well. It has not been 10 years since he seen Breezy and Kevin. it has been 6 years. Tim's community of friends know just why he was FORCED to stay away for Breezy and Kevin's best interest.He is very open about it. He talks all the time about Breezy and Kevin. You all need to remember there are two sides, and none of you have heard Tim's! At a time like this and Leslie and all you responders put the time and energy into attacking Tim, very very sad. Also this is slander ! I doubt Tim or Beth know this crap has been posted, but they will shortly, I'll make sure of that!
Leslie ; I can totally understand You
How dare they show up?Have they no shame ?
You have endured enough , Moma Leslie You don't have to feel bad about how you react.
My Husband's ex wife has deserted her
Children too , and we raised them .
When my Stepdaughter died in 2005 ; she tried to play MOM. But MY BOYS (my Husbands Children ) told her where to go !
By the way my Husband was with the 173rd in ' Nam . He is retired now.
Hang in there Leslie !
Kevin seems like a Strong Man.
You are in our thoughts and Prayers
With Love and understanding
Petra and Weldon Linden
Soldiers Angel from Louisiana
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