Day 33 - July 3, 2008

Today was kind of a tough day for us. Kevin is pretty much in the same status that he was in yesterday, which is really great, but they decided to stitch his other eye shut today too.

I knew it was coming. I was watching the lower rim of his eye droop down and pull away from his eyeball and his lid was pulling up more and more making his eye wide open. (gotta admit that I just figured he was controlling his lid better and becoming more 'awake' because it was open wider, but I was wrong.) I think I mentioned before that as the burns heal, the skin will tighten which is what is causing this to happen, I just forgot I guess.

And let me first say that I know this procedure was necessary. I want him to have the best possible chance at being able to see and this will help with that. But, damn. It was really hard to sign that consent form.

And I know this is crazy - but it just felt like I was losing all possibility of hope. Of those moments of lucidity. Of feeling like I can see my son in there. I mean, sometimes it really feels like he can see us and when that happens both mine and Breezy's hearts just soar with hope that he will come back to us. And I can't explain it, but we honestly just know when he is lucid. It's like this film over his eyes is gone and all's clear in there. It doesn't happen often - but it's often enough to keep us going.

And now we can't see either of his eyes. And I am thinking it will be like this for 6 months - until we have the surgery. How can I not see him for 6 months - I mean his soul, who he is? It's gonna kill me! It already hurts so much.

And let's not even forget about him. Can you imagine waking up and being scared shitless as it is and then not understanding why you can't open your eyes and wonder what's wrong with you? I was so worried about it today that every time he moved his arm I told him that his eyes were stitched shut and that they are fine, but that we need to keep them that way.

I just hate this. I really do.

So now you have heard all the bad, let's end with the good. Let's see...

Kevin had his first shower today. He will now have one every other day. They asked me if I wanted his hair cut but I asked them to let me think about it. I admit that kev would probably want it cut as it's longer than the military regulates, but I just need to see it for a few days (today was the first day that his head was totally uncovered). It's especially hard as it doesn't grow everywhere as of yet (not sure if it will?) so it's basically only on the top and the right side of his head. The left side is completely bald.

He also deliberately reached up and tried to pull out his trach today. He had a filter on it at the time that he did manage to get off. Because of this, his arm was tied to the bed a little bit tighter than it had been. He can still move it some, just not as much.

And last, but not least. The two nurses that worked with him this morning saw a huge improvement since the last time they worked with him (a week or more ago). The one nurse had this to say:

"He's in there. He just can't find the door. But he's getting closer!"

Come on, Kev! You can do it!!