Day 228 - Jan 14, 2009

Today was mostly a good day. Kevin is becoming more aware of everything - it's almost like he is waking up. Today we were joking about his muscles and I said something about how most people lose theirs when they've been in the hospital so long and that he's lucky that after 8 months his are still quite soldier like. He was flabbergasted. His head whipped around and his eyes bugged out. When I reconfirmed that he had been in for almost 8 months, he tried to remember it, must not have been able to and started crying. He then started trying to find out as much as he could. I told him all about being in ICU Burns for 3 months and what he was like when we got here and then he asked who all came to visit and he even kept pointing at me and it took me a while to realize that he wanted to know how long I had been here and about my job and my apartment. It was a little bit scary for a few minutes, but then he became okay with everything.

He also is really trying to talk. Matter of fact, I handed him his wallet tonight and he responded "oh, thanks" without having to think about it. We are finding some of his words are becoming automatic and that can only mean good things.

All in all it really was a good day. He did 'shut down' for a little bit though. I think because he hasn't been sleeping very well lately. He only got about 4 hours of sleep last night and I think he was just tired today. We will see what tomorrow brings.

I guess I forgot to mention that Breezy is home now. She came back on Sunday (in the midst of all the turmoil). It sure is nice to have her back! And I am quite sure she was happy to leave the foot of snow that they got the day before, lol. She actually went in to be with Kev all day while I got down to business on the house and the mortgage and did all kinds of paperwork and also cooked a nice dinner for all of us. She brought Kevin down to the house this evening and we all ate and then he and I went back to the hospital. Breeze and I are going to try to take turns doing this so that we are getting a break. It should be easier now that he is more aware.

And before I go, I do just want to let everyone know that I am fine with what everybody did to help us out over the weekend. I do appreciate all of the advice and have filed the bulk of it to be used in the future. And I honestly do know that y'all just care about us and it's a nice feeling to have everyone jump right in to help. It's almost like having an extended family.

I also want to point out that if anyone asked any questions - please ask them again. I have so much email that is uncontrollable and I don't have time to sift through the advice for the questions. Please, please just ask again.

Day 227 - Jan 13, 2009

Today I am not going to focus on the negatives. I will say that the young doc did come in today, but I have already taken steps to have him removed from our case.

I am, however, going to focus on what an awesome day Kevin has had. First, it appears that the shunt may be working. We did not have surgery and we are going to check the fluid buildup tomorrow before deciding on surgery for Thursday.

Kevin also was like a new person today - or should I say the Kevin of old. He was wide awake and alert all day. He did all of his therapies and laughed and carried on with everyone. He actively moved his leg and arm around repeatedly and grinned each time he did it. He asked for a drink of water instead of gatorade (all night too) - something he has not done since he was able to drink. I didn't even think he remembered there were other drinks out there, lol. He also has been trying to talk and say all kinds of new words. He pretty much was trying to repeat everything that everyone said today. He also - out of the blue - said "I love you" in a nice fluid tone - not forcing every word to come out.

He also woke up this morning and asked the nurse to put him in the shower chair (something he absolutely hates) and give him a shower. He also asked to get in his chair this afternoon and go to the house for dinner. He ate a huge plate of lasagna and half a loaf of french bread and then we watched the Spiderman movie that was sent to him for Christmas.

And I don't know if I ever mentioned that Kevin would mentally 'shut down' when too much was going on around him, but I can say that he did not do that even once today. Not once! I can't begin to tell you how often he would do that throughout the day. There is even a sign on his door that no more than two people can visit at a time because he couldn't handle it. But the more people that were in his room today - the more he showed off!

It was really an awesome day - and even Kevin realizes it!!

Day 226 - Jan 12, 2009

Oh boy. I sure opened a can of worms, didn't I?

First (before moving on to Kevin) I do want to ask that nobody take any action on our behalf. I do realize that some of you already have, and I know that everyone means well, but at this point I need to get through the days the best I can and I can't have the media or a bunch of politicians stepping in and making things even worse. And believe me - they will, no matter how good intentioned their help is. Y'all need to understand that it was my first thought to call the papers and such too, but you have to think about how the hospital is going to react. Yes, I know that Kevin will get the care he needs, but then we will be virtual pariahs and nobody will want to give us a hand for fear of the repercussions. To my way of thinking - the media is a last resort and I have yet to get to that. (but believe me when I say that when I reach that place - I won't hesitate to call EVERYONE!!)

I do honestly believe (after today) that we can work out a plan of action - it just takes talking to the right staff member and using the right words. I also had some of the staff members on my side because they were seeing the things that were going on - that helped immensely. Anyway, I did this today and things are already rolling.

The head doctor of the ward is in DC tonight and he has already discussed Kevin's case with a few neurosurgeons there. He called me on his cell from DC to tell me this. I also sat down with the head neurosurgeon here and had an hour long discussion about our options. He also came in, with the company rep for the shunt, and he, himself, was able to reprogram it on the first try.

He also believes that the reprogramming isn't going to work and Kevin may be going back in for surgery in the morning. To be honest - if that happens - we will discuss it tomorrow instead of tonight. In the meantime, I have asked for this doctor to step in and to keep the young resident away. I don't feel he is capable of handling the situation and we need a more seasoned doctor. He told me that he can't do that, but we shall see about that - this is where one of those 'guns' come out. If I don't have him as our doc by morning, I will be making phone calls.

And I know some of you have talked about legal representation but I was under the impression that active duty soldiers do not have any legal options? My son is still active duty so he doesn't fall under veteran status yet and he is still considered government property. Does anyone know if this is true?

As for us moving to another hospital - there is no time for that. Any neurosurgeons would have to come here and step in. This is one of the reasons I feel trapped. Kevin probably could fly (it would be via the Army - not commercial) but we would have to be leaving in the morning. It's unfortunate that our Fed Recovery Coordinator is at a conference too, so she has not been able to help today.

But anyway, let's give it through tomorrow and see what happens. Maybe his head will shrink back down because the shunt will start working and none of this will matter. I will say that the fluid draining from his ear has almost stopped and that's a great sign.

Ok, I am so exhausted that I keep closing my eyes while thinking of what to say so I need to get to bed. I sure hope everyone understands where I am coming from...

Day 225 - Jan 11, 2009

I wish I could say that things are getting better, but they really aren't. I feel so trapped. Trapped because I don't feel safe here and yet we really don't have anywhere else that we can go. There are only 4 polytrauma centers in the US (and most of the people here have come from one of those four because they were so bad). Yes, I know we can go to the private sector, but Kevin shouldn't be in the cold weather (and this has been verified by many docs since first mentioned to me) and most of the best neuro hospitals are in the northeast. Too cold.

I do plan to call two renowned neurosurgeons tomorrow morning and see if anyone is willing to come here and help us out. That's the only thing I know to do for sure at this point.

To be honest, I am not really up to writing much tonight because there is just so much swirling around in my head. I got into a huge fight with our surgeon today and on top of that, I found out that Kevin really isn't stable enough to be back in his room - yet ICU won't take him and oddly enough - the neurosurgery team refused to be his primary team because they don't feel he is sick enough. Pretty funny considering he is leaking CSF and blood from his ear (which btw, leaves an opening for meningitis), his head is swelled again, he needed blood and he has a small hemorrhage in his brain from surgery. Not sick at all, right?

Oh, and did I mention that nobody actually did call the company rep for the shunt that nobody knows how to work? Yeah. They decided to just keep trying to figure it out all weekend, taking numerous x-rays in the hopes that the light will turn on and then if it doesn't - we'll just call tomorrow. Assuming they can get someone, right? Hmmm. It's now been 3 days - tomorrow makes 4 - since they knew they couldn't figure out how to work it. But that's ok. He's not really sick.

I feel so much despair. And so does Kevin. He still cries every time he touches his head. He also cries every time someone comes in to do more tests or to draw blood or to take more x-rays or any of the numerous new things that are necessary. And to be frank, it's getting harder and harder for me to fake like things are going to be all right when I am just not so sure they will be...

Day 224 - Jan 10, 2009

What a mess. Y'all can't imagine the feelings that both Kevin and I are feeling. Today has really been a terrible day.

First, it turns out that the surgery did not correct the fluid problem - at least not at this shunts flow rate. When I went in this morning, Kevin's head was quite huge again - ON TOP OF THE FLAP!! I was under the impression that no liquid would be able to escape and the flap would keep it all inside forcing the shunt to work. Obviously that's not the case. His whole face is even swollen with fluid.

Second, although the shunt is programmable - NO ONE HERE KNOWS HOW TO WORK THE FLIPPING THING!!!! Literally! The doc and a company representative tried twice today to reprogram it to a larger flow rate and it won't work. I overheard them saying that they had texted a supervisory rep and they may have to have that person fly here to show them how to work it. In the meantime, Kevin has had multiple x-rays of the shunt in the hopes that they can figure it out by looking at the films.

The docs also released us to go back upstairs to our normal room and I am so glad because...NO ONE IN ICU NOTICED THAT KEVIN NEEDED BLOOD!!! When we got back upstairs, our normal nurse was looking at his labs and called the doc immediately. The transfusion is currently on it's second unit of blood. I kept questioning all night last night why his vitals were up, but I was ignored. It turns out they were an important sign for low hemoglobin. I wish I had talked louder last night.

Needless to say, Kevin has been crying all day. He realizes that the surgery didn't fix the problems and has only created new ones. I have tried to pull his spirits up, but it's hard to when I feel the same way. He did have me lay in bed with him this afternoon and we just held each other and cried for a long time. But then, we stopped and I told him that yes, everything pretty much sucks right now, but that there is a reason he is still alive after everything he has been through. I told him that we are going to fight all these issues and then kick butt to go the hell home. He agreed, but we will just have to see if things start working out or not. If they don't, I really worry that he will give up. I have felt him wanting to all day, even after our 'talk'.

This is just so damn hard. For both of us...

Day 223 - Jan 9, 2009

Gosh, I don't even know where to start. Yes - Kevin's surgery went well - for all intents and purposes. He made it through and we had no problems with him handling the trauma.

However, we had been led to believe that Kevin's head would be symmetrical with the other side and I can't stress enough that that did not happen. He is so incredibly disfigured that we are both still reeling from his appearance.

I was lucky, because I had about 30 seconds of seeing what his head looked like before he saw me coming so I had enough time to get over the shock (just barely) and I was able to mask my thoughts. I was also lucky in that I was only allowed a minute or two with him at that point while they wheeled him into ICU and set him up. This gave me the much needed time to recoil in shock and pretty much lose it.

They called me in and I dried my eyes and plastered a smile on and when I got in there Kevin just kept rubbing the area and looking at me like 'what have they done to me?'. I acted like it was no big deal, but I could clearly see that he was just as upset as I was (and he is going by touch - he has yet to SEE it). So I did end up sitting down with him and telling him that yes, it didn't turn out like we thought it would, but that his hair would grow over it and hide most of it.

But I did cry. I cried a lot last night. And Kevin pulled into himself, which is what he does when he is hurting.

You see, not only is his head sunken in about an inch, creating a large indentation, but one ear is almost an inch below the other and it sticks way out. These are things that should have been fixed then during surgery and I felt like we pulled in to a butcher shop and told them to do whatever. I am so seriously disappointed. One, in the doctors' performances and two, in my decision to have the surgery here. I made a HUGE mistake.

So today I did send a pic of Kevin to our Federal Recovery Coordinator, Mary. She will be 'with us' for the rest of our lives to help us along with Kevin's needs (and she is so wonderful!!). So she took the pic and showed the neurosurgeons at BAMC and left me a VM that states that they all agree that they will not allow Kevin to look like this forever. We are going to call in plastic surgeons and see what kind of repair work can be done.

This was the first moment of relief I have felt since I first set eyes on my son yesterday evening.

And I do want to add that I know the important thing is that Kevin came through the surgery just fine, but it still is a shock to see something that should have been fixed look worse than when it went in for the job.

And now I do need to head back up to the hospital. We are still in ICU because Kev does have some fluid on his brain. They are hoping it is just from the surgery and not the continuation of our fluid problem. We will know tomorrow, I guess...

Quick Surgical Update

Kevin is getting his head all closed up as I type. I was told that the surgery went well. It took about 3 1/2 hours and they did the shunt first and placed the flap next. His flap didn't quite fit right, but they shaved it until it was correct.

Gotta make some phone calls. Keep those fingers crossed that this fixes the fluid issue...

Day 221 - Jan 7, 2009

Kevin was pretty quiet today. I think he is a little nervous about the surgery and I know he is very upset about having to go down to ICU. I don't remember how much I told you guys from when we were down there the last time, but at one point he was going to the bathroom and the nurse came in to give him meds. Because he was busy, he held up his hand telling her to give him a few minutes. She went out and told the doc that he wasn't ready and the docs went nuts and started making phone calls. Remember I said they were all mad because he didn't belong there? Well, at that moment they were screaming into the phone to someone that Kevin is not an ICU patient - he is a psychiatric patient because he is refusing his meds! They were so loud that Breezy and Kevin heard him and I can't imagine how it feels to hear someone talking about you and saying that you belong in the psych ward.

That whole ICU experience was horrible and when I told Kev we would be down there for the weekend he was so mad he wouldn't even talk to me or Tracy. He was fuming! I did my best to make him feel better about it, but no go.

But I think he is excited to have his head fixed too. He rubbed it each time someone came in to the room today as if to say 'see it now cause it's gone tomorrow'. I am anxious to see what he looks like too. It's been seven months of seeing the disfigurement and it's become natural to us.

And that pretty much sums up our day. He wasn't well enough to do much today either so we stayed at the hospital all day and just lounged. So I guess we just need to keep everything crossed for tomorrow and somehow I will let y'all know what happens. Look at the comments as that may be how it goes for a while anyway.

And if I may - please keep Andrew's Aunt Jodi in your thoughts too. She is having minor surgery tomorrow as well and she needs extra good health vibes sent her way also...Good Luck, Jodi!!!

Day 220 - Jan 6, 2009

Ronnie left today. He and Kevin had a great time together and I could really tell how much Kev responded to the 'guy' talk. Ronnie went in this morning and spent the whole day up there and I stayed away to give them time to themselves and I guess Kevin had a truly great day. The nurse couldn't believe how well he did with all of his therapies and everything.

And I got a chuckle out of his physical therapist asking him if he would walk today and he held up two of his fingers as if to say he won't attempt it until his surgery is done in two days. I told him that he wasn't going to be able to just get up the next day and walk and he basically told me that he could and would. Knowing him - he probably will.

So not much else happened. And before I end, someone asked if I could post a quick message on the day of Kevin's surgery to let y'all know what happened and I will do it as quickly as I can. It means me leaving the hospital so I can't guarantee it. I will just have to see how things go.

And for a Breezy update - she is having a good time being home, but she did get sick. I guess she just can't handle those cold winters anymore, lol. Love ya, Breeze!! And we sure miss you!!

Day 219 - Jan 5, 2009

My mom and dad left today, but Ronnie and Tracy are still here. We had a kinda lazy day truthfully. Ronnie stayed with Kevin all afternoon and I took a nap, which was super wonderful. And even Kev didn't get dressed or anything until like 5pm today. At that time we just brought him down for dinner and then we watched a little bit of TV and took him back up to the hospital at 9pm.

I am getting even more nervous the closer we get to Thursday. I am just not sure how this is supposed to work. From what I am gathering (and nobody has explained the surgery yet - even though I have been asking for two months now) they are planning to change the shunt first and drain all the excess fluid off and then put the flap back. I don't know why, but it just scares me that this isn't really a 'fix' for the issue, it's just a 'we aren't really sure what to do so let's try this' situation. I guess I am most scared that it won't work and I am just not sure what would be the next step. I mean, do they teach me how to drain his head every day or what? And before I forget - someone did ask if it has become less painful and yes, it has. He rarely cries now and will often just hum the "Subway, eat fresh" song, lol.

I am going to just quickly answer a few questions now:

Kathy - you asked if Kevin has therapy daily and he has speech and OT M-F and PT every day of the week.

Petra - I am really sorry that happened to your M-I-L. I do agree that arrogance in a doctor is often dangerous. The doc we had this weekend made a comment to me that I had to work really hard to not say something back to him. He was tapping Kev and the fluid was moving pretty quickly and we always pull off all that we can while it's flowing. He told me he was going to stop and I told him to keep going while he could and he said "I do have other patients to see too. You aren't my only one, ya know". I couldn't believe it. So I guess it's normal to do a half job on patients if you can't fit everyone into your schedule. Pretty sad, huh? I wonder if he would have put the flap back and not bothered to staple his head shut due to time constraints? (sarcasm)

Someone asked about their air miles and I have never used either Fisher House or Make-a-Wish. I am not sure how that would work so let me know if you can donate to our family as help is no longer available for my family to come down. The one organization that has helped us out in the past is Operation First Response. For anyone else, I will check into donating to them. Even if it's not for our family - I am sure they will find a use for them.

Ok, off to bed for me...

Day 218 - Jan 4, 2009

I am going to skip on writing tonight because I am just exhausted. I also have to have my parents at the airport very early tomorrow morning so it will be another long day tomorrow.

We didn't really do anything today anyway, we just watched a lot of movies. We had a different neurosurgeon over the weekend and he didn't like to take the time to tap him enough every day. This meant that Kev was more lethargic over the weekend. But we made it through and tomorrow is a new day...

Day 217 - Jan 3, 2009

We had another really good day today. We did try to take Kevin to the movies, but it didn't work out. We did pay and get our popcorn and sour gummi worms and we even got situated in the handicap area. But it was less than 2 minutes before he started to get ill. He wanted to move to the last row because we were just too close to the screen, but obviously that's not possible in a stadium style seating theater. So he and I left and we had everyone else stay and watch the movie and we just came back later to pick them up.

After that we went to the house to show my parents and Ronnie. Tracy had already seen it the first time around. The realtor met us there so we all got to go in and I am so happy that Kevin still loves it. Still keeping our fingers crossed on this one.

Other than that - it was just an all around busy day. We are tapping his head twice a day now; once in the morning and once at night and that takes quite a few minutes each time (nearly an hour - sometimes more). And with all the company - we are just BUSY!

And on that note - I am heading to bed.

Day 216 - Jan 2, 2009

We had another great day today. One of Kev's best friends, Ronnie, came to visit for the next four days and Kevin was really excited to see him. He was in a great mood again all day and I can only hope that this attitude keeps going.

We need it to because I was told today that if Kevin would have kept going like he had been a month or more ago he would already be walking. I sure have seen improvements in his standing up and I believe it's because he has to to get out bed now (one of the reasons I went to them the other day and told them not to fix the lift). So now we need to concentrate on walking and just the ability to stand up tall. I believe we will see an improvement on this once his head is fixed and he doesn't have all that extra weight on one side of his head.

And speaking of that - Kev's surgery is scheduled for Thursday - first case. I am guessing the flap arrived today and now we need to sterilize it. I am also guessing that there wasn't an operating room open until Thursday or we would probably go sooner. Kevin seems a little relieved to be getting this fixed, as I'm sure he is. I think we will really see a difference in his self-esteem and they say that mostly you see a difference in how well/fast they rehabilitate afterward.

Which also reminds me, a few of you have asked about what will happen if this surgery doesn't fix the problem. I have to admit that I have been concerned myself. They tell me that, for the most part, it usually fixes all problems because it's the norm to have your 'skull' there. However, it is not a definite. They are discussing changing the shunt to a low compliance one (meaning it will take less pressure on the brain to make it flow) while having him already under anesthesia (the shunt is on the opposite side of his head though so he will have incisions then on both sides). I did ask what they will do if this doesn't fix it and I am getting no answers. I am guessing that they just don't know yet.

One thing that we did discuss tonight was the fact that Kevin has tiny air bubbles in his CSF. To be honest - I never gave it a thought that there shouldn't be air bubbles around his brain. This is something that I am going to have to research I guess because the neurosurgeons don't have a clue why he has them.

Well, I need to get to bed. Tracy is also coming tomorrow (talk about a full house!) and I need to run to the airport in the morning.

Day 215 - Jan 1, 2009

Yesterday was not the normal day. I have been watching Kevin's determination and attitude decline over the last couple of weeks and I really didn't know what to do. I have tried cajoling, bribing, threatening, you name it. Each and every day has been a struggle to get him to do anything. There has basically been no therapy at all lately because he won't do anything. He has been declining meds, refusing showers and baths and it takes hours to get him out of bed and some days he just won't get out no matter what we do.

So yesterday, I had had enough. I had just came back from Subway and Kevin had eaten and when the nurses came in - he wouldn't take a shower. He was fine with everything just a minute before (when he wanted to do something), but all of a sudden he was not interested. Well, I snapped. I yelled at him and told him that enough was enough. I was not sticking around (yeah right) if he wasn't going to work at getting better. I asked him if he wanted to stay in the hospital forever and he said "yes". I told him then fine - you can do it alone because I'm not sticking around for that. I then told him that he was going to get a taste of what it's like to be alone so that he could decide what he wanted and I grabbed my purse, ushered my parents out the door, kissed him goodbye and told him I would see him tomorrow. This was at 12:30 yesterday afternoon.

You have no idea how hard it was to walk out and leave him in that hospital by himself. And all day long I had such a heavy heart because I didn't know if he was like that because of the brain damage or because he was just giving up like I thought. But I did it. I stayed away all day because this was my last resort to get him out of this funk I believe he is in.

Now I will admit two things. One - I did call so many times it was pathetic. And two - I actually did cave and go back late last night, but he was already sleeping. I left him snoring and returned home to worry the night away. I just second guessed myself all night long and felt like a horrible parent for doing what I did.

BUT, I am so happy to report that Kevin was a changed man today. After we discussed things this morning, we agreed to work hard together so that we could go home. He then took a shower using the chair instead of the shower bed (a first) and he joked and carried on all day. We were able to leave the lights on for the most part and he watched tv quite a bit. We also got out of bed - not once - but twice today and we went for a ride to look at the house again and then we had a nice dinner. It was an amazing transformation!!

He also stood up with complete ease 4 times today and just stood there for a while while we were transferring him to and from bed. I actually think he can do it himself for the most part and when I told him that I thought I was more in the way and that he could do it better himself, he nodded his head. I had to explain to him that we can't risk him falling yet. Once his flap is back in, we can though. He chuckled over that, I guess cause it sounds like I said it's ok for him to drop to the floor once his head is fixed.

Oh well. It sure was a wonderful day with my wonderful son!

And speaking of a wonderful day - I will say that other than my heavy heart, we did have a great day out yesterday. We went to St Pete to see Chrissy (my niece) and we ended up going on a dolphin watching cruise. We then went to Treasure Island and drove up the coast to Clearwater. It was a sunny 77 degrees and we couldn't have picked a better day. And it was nice because neither of my parents have ever went on any kind of cruise like that and we were all so excited to see the dolphins. Matter of fact - here are a few pics:





And to end, here are some pics of the new van (and look closely at the house across the street in the 2nd picture - hint, hint - hehe):

Day 214 - Dec 31, 2008

Happy New Years! I am going to pass on writing tonight - will catch y'all next year (haha - cheesy joke)

Day 213 - Dec 30, 2008

Today my beautiful daughter and my parents passed each other in the skies - probably over one of the Carolinas, lol. Breezy went home for a couple of weeks and my mom and my dad came to visit for a whole week! I actually cried while driving to the airport the second time today to pick my parents up. Although my mom has been to see us 2 or 3 times, I haven't seen my dad in over 7 months. It's just so hard because I really miss my family and my friends.

Kevin was really excited to see them too. I wish his head had been tapped before we got back, but he did at least show some emotion when they walked in. And once he was tapped - he was really happy to have them around.

We had a really rough time getting fluid off today though. It was way over an hour and we finally stopped at a little over 200 CCs because we just couldn't get anymore out. Yet his head was super large today, which makes no sense to me. I suggested to the doc that we tap him twice a day and see if it's any easier and he agreed to try it tomorrow (usually the first 100 CCs happen in 10 minutes or so). Maybe this way he will be well enough to do his therapies and keep going through the night. As it is now, he is only 'good' for a few hours and then he's back to barely moving and there is just nothing there emotionally either. It's honestly like night and day.

And now I am going to end by adding a poem to my post. This was written by T. Beechey and it was posted as a comment to last night's entry. I cried when I read this and to be honest, I am still crying. Thank you, T!

JUST A SOLDIER – A Tribute to Kevin Kammerdiener
(T. Beechey)

He wasn't rich or privileged, he was just like you and me
He came from a good home and close-knit community
Everyone that knew him was glad to call him “friend”
Whenever there was trouble, on him you could depend
When he first heard the calling to join among the ranks
Of the brave men and women in the Humvees and the tanks
He didn't hesitate a bit, his duty was at hand
To fight the fight for freedom for the glory of his land

He was being just a soldier, doing what he had to do
And he did what he did for the Red, White, and Blue
Proud to serve his country and proud to do his part
He gave all he had that was in his heart

Dressed in the gear of combat, those beside him dressed the same
He wasn't seeking fortune, he didn't quest for fame
All that he desired was to serve his Nation well
And to come home safely with a tale or two to tell
The tasks he was given, he never questioned why
It wasn't his to query, so he dutifully complied
Because he was a soldier and he had the job to fill
The shoes of those before him who walked a distant hill

He was being just a soldier, doing what he had to do
And he did what he did for the Red, White, and Blue
Proud to serve his country and proud to do his part
He gave all he had that was in his heart

On a day that we'll remember in the month of May
This soldier bore the burden of a hefty price to pay
He's no longer in the battle, but he still fights the war
Every day is a challenge just like the one before
And he meets every challenge with the same bravery
That he showed as he stared in the eyes of the enemy
He still is a soldier in each and every way
And he's the reason I'm proud to live in the USA

He will always be a soldier, doing what he has to do
No matter what's in front of him, he'll always make it through
Proud to serve his country and proud to do his part
The Nation holds you, Kevin, in its collective heart

Day 212 - Dec 29, 2008

Nothing much happened again today. About the only thing new is that we can't use the lift anymore to get Kevin out of bed as it broke days ago so now he has no choice but to stand up while holding onto me and pivoting from his bed to his chair. It's ok for the most part, but some days he is just so exhausted when we get home from my house and I need to pay attention so that he isn't too tired to stand up and transfer himself.

I have also hired a reflexologist to work on Kevin. She came for the first time last week one day and in that one message, Kevin's leg is able to move higher and the arm that is always contracted so badly has been staying down to where his hand is on his belly instead of up at his neck. I have to admit that I was a little bit skeptic about it at first, but I figured it couldn't hurt. And it's a little bit pricey, but it's worth it if it works, right? So she will be back on Wed I think. I am anxious to see if it makes more of a difference.

We still haven't agreed on a price for the house either. I know what we can afford and I so hope it works out. I also hope we come to an agreement soon. I would like to get moving on this because it's so time consuming to find anything you like and the time to take Kevin home can arrive really quickly. It's truthfully been almost a month since we decided on that house and we are no closer to getting it than we were that day. At this rate - it may take a year to buy one! This is why I was in a sorta rush to find one - the amount of time it takes. Well, surely things will start rolling...

And I just want to point out that we arrived in Tampa four months ago today. I have to admit that time goes much faster here - probably because he is out of the critical stage and our days are full of new things. When we were at BAMC - it was pretty much always the same.

And although this whole ordeal sucks - we have to admit that the last four months have been pretty remarkable. Kevin has made HUGE strides and it makes my heart sing. Now if this cranioplasty can just fix this fluid issue...

Day 211 - Dec 28, 2008

I had my first really yucky experience trying to get Kevin into a Subway that claimed to be handicap accessible, but truly was not. I just couldn't do it. There was no way for me to hold the door open and lift his chair up the small 2 inch step at the same time. I was so relieved when a gentleman stopped his car and ran over to help me. Phew! What a struggle! And let me tell ya - I almost asked him to marry me, lol!

But seriously? That was just not fun. You just don't think about little things like half steps and doors that won't stay open while you enter. Just how do people do it that don't have help? How do people in a wheelchair open doors when they only have one arm that works and the door opens the opposite way? And how do you hold it open while wheeling past it if you only have one arm? I don't know - maybe I am just being dumb as I am still new to all of this. Maybe one night I'll be laying in bed and I'll hear that 'ding' that explains how it all works. Man, I sure hope so...

So when we left Subway (this has been a DAILY thing for over a month now. He even wanted it on Christmas Day!) I started heading home and I looked in the mirror and there was Kev already eating! He had unwrapped that sub and ate half of it while driving the three blocks to get home. I laughed so hard. And I just love it when he does things that he would have done in the past. It shows me my Kev is still in there and that maybe, just maybe, he will be all better once that cranioplasty takes place. We only have a few hours a day where he is somewhat like he was a month or so ago - before the swelling again.

And before I go I just have to say - Jody - I will give MTV a call and see if Pimp My Ride would be willing to overhaul that new van, lol. I can just see it now - neon green and pink with some spinners and when we stop at a light it can bounce up and down with screamo music blaring out the sunroof. We can have a fur steering wheel cover and a horn that plays 16 different tunes, right? Yep - sounds like a plan, hehe. Maybe Jennifer from Ride-away (the wonderful woman and company that helps people like us find vehicles) can hook up with them and do this for all the guys. What do you think, Jennifer? LOL!

Day 210 - Dec 27, 2008

Not too much happened today. We couldn't even get Kevin to leave the hospital so we stayed in his room all day. He just wasn't feeling up to par today.

So there really isn't anything to say. I do want to answer a couple of questions that have come our way recently though.

First, Jessica you asked if we got the cards from your sister and the answer is yes. We also got another batch of cards and 2 big boxes of stockings that we passed around the ward. Everything was a hit! Thanks to all!!

Oh and all the baked goods - yum! I seriously think Kevin's whole life revolves around food, lol.

Holee - you asked if people can still send donations to the bank and the answer to that one is also yes. I actually prefer that because Paypal charges a fee on each transaction. I will try to put the bank's address on the blog over the next few days. As I mentioned - everything is going toward Kevin's house.

Ann - we miss you here in Tampa. I am glad Mark is doing well at home too. Come back soon!!

Ok - off to bed for me.

Day 209 - Dec 26, 2008

Yay! Kevin and I went on our first solo trip today. We were just going to run around the corner to DQ (for me) and Subway (for him) but instead we ordered Fettuccine Alfredo from Macaroni Grill and we drove about 5 miles or so to pick it up. Doesn't sound all that far away, does it? But let me tell ya - there is a traffic light nearly every block and it takes about 20-30 minutes to get there in rush hour traffic. We did fine though.

We had a real funny moment too. I had pulled over to call ahead and order and they always ask what you are driving because they bring it out to you and I said a bright blue minivan. Kevin started giving me the evil laugh - kinda like a "haha - you're driving a minivan" laugh and I whipped around in my seat and said "what the heck are you laughing at? You own it!!" Y'all shoulda seen the look on his face! It was priceless, lol. He had this look of mock horror and then we both just burst out laughing.

We did have fun though. Although - I am not sure how much longer I am going to be able to listen to heavy metal screamo music while driving, lol. But he starts screaming right along with it and his left arm is just dancing all over the place so I guess I will just grin and bear it. And please - somebody please - help me if I start liking that stuff...

So all in all - it was a pretty good day today. I am sad that Anthony is going home tomorrow though. He and Kevin get along really well and Anthony even went in the early shift this morning allowing both Breezy and I a sleep in. We have also had a lot of fun with him here.

But Tuesday my parents are coming for a week. That will be really nice...

Day 208 - Dec 25, 2008

I hope everyone had a great Christmas day! We did. We didn't really do much - which is always a good thing. The neurosurgeon actually came very early this morning so he was tapped before Breezy even got there. In one way that was great as he was raring to go early in the day. In another way that was bad because by the time dinner was ready, he was already lethargic and wouldn't even eat. He just slept at the table while we dined :-(

But we did really have a good day. We just lay around and watched movies and stuff. Kevin did at least eat leftover turkey for lunch and he ate a whole lot of it. He pretty much wiped us out of leftovers - even eating my portion, lol.

After he went to bed, Breezy, Anthony and I went to see a movie. I couldn't believe how packed the movies were here. I guess I am just used to small towns, lol.

And I guess tomorrow is a holiday so we get a whole long weekend of no therapies - yay! I am hoping to get Kevin into the van tomorrow and we can take a little spin. I guess we'll see...

Day 207 - Dec 24, 2008

We celebrated Christmas today as Chrissy has to work tomorrow and couldn't be here. So I stuffed a turkey and we ate tons of food and unwrapped presents this evening and it was a really nice time. We had my sister and brother and mom and my other nephew on Skype so it was almost like they were here with us too.

It was even better because Kevin was actually in a good mood the whole time. They had just tapped his head and he is always good for a couple of hours afterward - until he starts filling up again.

So everyone was happy and it really did turn out to be a good day.

And on that note - I am going to bed. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Day 206 - Dec 23, 2008

I am pretty much going to skip writing tonight as I had to run to Wal-Mart and it was such a horrible experience.

Kevin was really the same today as he was yesterday - maybe a tiny bit better. We did tap close to 400 CCs of fluid today though and we also brought him down to the house for dinner, but he got very nauseous and we ended up taking him back up to the hospital right after we ate.

Hopefully he feels even better tomorrow.

Oh and before I forget - some of you have asked why the docs don't come earlier to tap him and it's because they are in surgery all day. I tried to get them to come earlier, but there's nothing they can do. I don't like it - but I do understand.

Day 205 - Dec 22, 2008

From what I'm seeing, it looks like Kevin will be in a bad mood or just very withdrawn all day until his head is tapped. It's pretty much been like this all along, but it has been worse the last couple of days. I couldn't get him to eat or drink anything at all today until the doc came in and drew the fluid at about 5pm. Once that was done, he immediately wanted a sub and started drinking his Gatorade. Man - it's so hard to see him almost comatose throughout the day and then fine for a few hours in the evening. I sure hope that head plate gets here soon.

Other than that, nothing much happened. Kevin never got out of bed today and he actually was sound asleep by 7:30 (which never happens) so this evening Breezy, Anthony and I went to a Christmas lights show and then we did a little shopping. I am nearly done, only having to run back to Wal-Mart tomorrow night once Kevin is sleeping.

So, I think I will end here and go to bed a little bit early tonight. I know - it's still after 1am, but that's early for me, lol.

Day 204 - Dec 21, 2008

We got a huge surprise today! My nephew, Anthony, walked into Kevin's room this afternoon! I couldn't believe it!! I wanted him to come down for Christmas, but no more help on plane tickets is being done due to the economy. But in he walked!! I guess he decided at 3:00 this morning that he was going to come anyway so he bought a ticket and flew down. He will be here until next weekend so that will be cool.

He didn't tell his sister Chrissy that he was coming either. So we loaded Kevin into the van and drove out to St Petersburg to The Pier and showed up at her work. Chrissy nearly flew into Anthony - almost toppling the whole display of china next to him. Man, that was close, lol. It was such a nice moment and even Kevin was grinning from ear to ear (one of the few times he smiled today).

And (of course) we stopped at The Cheesecake Factory on the way home and bought a whole cake. Kev was in a really rotten mood all day today and sad to say - that didn't even help. But - I'm sure it will tomorrow when we give him a piece, lol.

I also had a visitor today and that was my friend Traci and her family. They drove down from Georgia to go to Busch Gardens. It was so nice getting to meet her as we only know each other online from a business that I once started - scrapmuse.com She recently purchased the business and we used to talk often. Her husband, Mike, is being deployed during the first quarter of the year and it was really nice to have a man talk to Kevin. He so rarely gets that as the bulk of the nurses are female.

So back to Kev - I'm not sure why he was in such a bad mood, but it lasted all day. I am hoping he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Hopefully tomorrow he feels better. Due to this though, nothing much happened. It was all I could do to get him to go with us to The Pier.

And back to the donation thing...Emily - you know how to work me, lol. It was that "he is a soldier and he is a hero...let us thank him for that!!" line that got me!! The only thing I ask is that everyone please understands that we are not asking for donations. If you want to help with the house - we would really appreciate it. Kevin wants it so bad and I also want to make him happy. But also know that we would never be offended if someone didn't want to or couldn't help. This whole thing isn't about the money - it's about Kev. That being said though, any donations can be sent via Paypal to lesliekamm@gmail.com.

Well, I need to get to get the little tree I bought decorated for Christmas. Goodnight everyone!

Day 203 - Dec 20, 2008

Not too much happened today. We drained another 300 CCs of fluid late this afternoon and then we took a nap (it is so exhausting). It was kinda too late to do anything by the time we woke up, so we just came down to the house and ate dinner.

We are very time limited. We can't leave the hospital until his head is drained so if the neurosurgeon doesn't come until late, we can't go anywhere. That's what happened today. Hopefully he comes earlier tomorrow.

Moving on, some of you asked me to set up a Paypal account for donations toward the house and I am giving it some thought. It's one thing to accept from an organization and another from single people. This is probably one of the hardest things for me to accept - having to pretty much live on donations. But I do know we honestly could not be here if if weren't for everyone helping us out financially. So give me a couple days to work this all out in my head and we'll go from there.

Day 202 - Dec 19, 2008

Today was another decent day. We tapped nearly 300 CCs of fluid today and it seems the more, the better. We also took a little jaunt to the video store and to Subway.

I will try to take pics of the van tomorrow. It is equipped with a lift and both front seats can be removed if necessary. This way, if Kev gets to the point where he can drive, we can remove the driver's seat and he can wheel right up to it. I do agree with whomever about the space in a van - it will come in handy when we drive back and forth from FL to PA (but I still don't like it, lol).

We also got the model of Kevin's plate (skull) today. I didn't have my camera with me at the time because I had just left the hospital and had to run back up there to give my stamp of approval on it so I don't have a picture to show you, but it is really neat. They basically just use a firm gel/waxy type substance and create Kevin's head with it. They leave out the part where he has no skull and they build a separate piece to fill in where it should go, thus creating the plate shape. From there, once it's okayed, they create the 'real' thing. Hopefully, we will get it in a week and then it needs to be sterilized for 48 hours before being placed in Kevin's head.

I have been told that although it sounds like an intense surgery, it's really not. It will only take about 3-4 hours and that's it. I can't wait because I so want it to fix the problem. And I think Kevin will feel better about himself once his head is shaped right.

Please, please let this work out...

Day 201 - Dec 18, 2008

We got our van today. Yay (hehe). You should've seen the look on Kevin's face when I told him he was the proud owner of a new minivan, lol. Suffice it to say, I believe he feels about them exactly as I do.

BUT - it was really nice to get Kevin out of bed for the first time in a week and a half and load him up into the car and drive around for an hour or so. We even stopped for chinese takeout and Kevin wanted to get out of the car and go into the restaurant. I am pleased to say that he didn't even feel the need to go to the bathroom while we were in there (but there were only about 4 people in there which makes a huge difference). I am hoping to take him out at least 4 or 5 times a week for small trips like that. I really do think that the more we go out in public, the easier it will get (for both of us).

I was kinda surprised that we were allowed to take Kev out and do this tonight, but the docs assured me that it's no different than it has been for the last how many months. After thinking about it, I suppose they are right. His head has been large since the beginning so if he feels up to going - we are gonna do it!

Other than that, Kev did have a much better day today. He was pretty much awake the bulk of the day and he was in a better mood too. He did have his therapies and I was glad to see him tolerating the chair for hours again. I was worried that we lost all that we had gained recently. He hasn't went down to the gym and walked again yet, but I'm sure he will next week.

Well, off to bed for me...

Day 200 - Dec 17, 2008

200 days! Sounds like a lifetime, feels even longer.

Breezy and I had to move my room at the Fisher House across the hallway tonight to another room after Kevin went to sleep. We had a room with a connecting door and a family that needed two rooms could have benefit more from it than me, so we made the move.

I am a little of kilter because although it's the same room, everything is flipped. Some of my OCD is showing because I feel strange with everything backward, lol.

Oh well, everything is moved - now we just have to organize it all.

So moving on to Kevin, he seemed to do a bit better today. He finally got a shower - the first in 9 days and I am thinking that may have helped. He ate somewhat decently today too so that always helps.

Today was the first day that he didn't scream while having his head tapped too. Whew! That was real nice.

The docs were also told that the model of his head is on its way. They have to approve the size and shape and then the 'real' head plate is made. I guess his surgery won't be until after the holidays now though. That upsets me because each day we are introducing more and more possible chances of infection when we tap him. If he gets one (an infection), he can't have the flap (plate) put into his head for another 6 months.

Kevin also went for a CT Angio today. His heart rate was elevated yesterday and they wanted to make sure all was well with it. I am thinking it might have been the new pain patch they put him on. They had just changed it and he became severely restless and agitated. Maybe with his head the way it is it's causing a different reaction than normal. Not sure. I am keeping an eye on it though. Luckily - everything came back fine with his heart. YAY!

Well, off to bed for me. Steve - I think it was you that called while we were tapping Kevin's head. I will try to call you tomorrow.

I also contacted Building Homes for Heroes. The people that I talked to were so nice. Keeping our fingers crossed that they can help us out.

Day 199 - Dec 16, 2008

Kevin had a good afternoon today once they drained 240 CCs of fluid from his head. Up until then he slept all day, but afterward he was pretty good. He hasn't been in his chair or out of bed in any way in ten days though, but hopefully tomorrow.

I am not really going to write much today as I am just beat. I do want to throw another "THANK YOU" out to everyone that has been sending us gifts and donations. We have gotten some beautiful Christmas cards and tree decorations - some even homemade and hand carved - and a real pine wreath and some blankets and the quilts that Holee and her gang made for us made it down to us this week too. Everything is so beautiful!

And I really chuckle when I find Subway gift cards and Cheesecake Factory cards and even some McDonalds cards. Kevin's face always lights up - which is so funny to watch.

And I want to add that all donations are now being put into the 'let's buy Kevin a home' fund. I am hoping that we will be able to find an organization or two to help us out with some of the cost of the home and I did apply to Homes For Our Troops in the hopes that they can handle all of the adaptations. I do realize that it's a buyer's market right now, but homes are still very pricey in this area. I just don't want Kevin to have a huge mortgage payment so I am hoping this all works out for us. And it's sad to say, but once he checks out of the hospital, my income is done. So I will not be able to have any type of a paying job because I won't be able to leave him, but need to somehow figure out how to pay my own bills. Fun! Fun! Fun!

Oh well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it...

Day 198 - Dec 15, 2008

Before I really get rolling on this post, I want to point out that I was in no way angry at anyone for voicing their opinions to me the other night. I also don't want anyone singled out as lecturing me or anything because I honestly do believe that everyone has our own best interest at heart, it's just that people THINK we should be cracking up and when we get mouthy they assume it's finally happening.

But anyway, Kevin pretty much slept all day today as his head is even larger. The neurosurgeons can't seem to get all the fluid to come out of the shunt so more and more is being left behind to swell his head. I mentioned a compression wrap of sorts to be worn around his head and the doctor shunned the idea the other day, but I guess they are going to apply one tomorrow after all. Maybe I missed my calling, huh? NOT!

I did meet with the realtor today and we put a bid in on the house that Kev fell in love with. It's very expensive (to this Western PA girl) and I can't go much higher than what we bid so hopefully the bank will consider it. We talk about this house every day while Kevin's head is being tapped so I really hope it works out. This is the only topic I can use to get Kevin to focus on something other than the pain for a minute or so every now and again.

You guys just can't imagine what it's like to hold him while they drain him. First, they stick the needle into his head (with no pain killers of any kind) and then they suck the fluid out. It has been taking about 45 minutes each day and believe me - he screams and sobs and it is horrible. And the whole time I have to hold his head up off the bed to keep it sterile and tell him to focus on me and listen to me softly talk about the house or anything I can think of. It is one of the top ten hardest things I have ever had to do so far.

Anyway, I did tell you guys that I was going to go over some of the things that have been going on here, but it's going to have to wait. I am just too tired to think of all the bad things tonight. I will try tomorrow, but there are no guarantees.

I do want to say one thing though - a few of you have mentioned that you didn't think it was a good idea for us to go home due to the 'what ifs'. I am not sure what you think is right? Do you want us to stay in the hospital for the rest of his life? I mean, there are what ifs every single day. FOR ALL OF US!!! I can tell you that we will not live in fear of all of life's bad possibilities - if we do we will miss all of the good ones. I am not saying we are just going to cruise through life without a care in the world, I am just saying that I can't worry about having to hit the brakes or if I should fall down the stairs or anything that can happen to any one of us. This is not going to be too much different than taking home a newborn baby - remember how we all worried about all of those things? But did it stop us from living our lives? Nope.

As for the possibility that we will have future problems with his head/shunt? That's pretty much a guarantee. Forever. It's something that I am already aware of and that I have accepted. It doesn't make it easy, but it's just the way it is. And who knows...maybe we will be lucky and he won't really need the shunt to work after his cranioplasty...but then again - we may need it for the next 50 years too. And in that case - it will be replaced numerous times and I will just have to be on top of my game every single minute of every single day.

No problem, right?

Day 197 - Dec 14, 2008

I really don't know what to say other than a lot of you have jumped to conclusions based on only what I want y'all to hear.

I will be the first one to tell you that I need a break. But unfortunately, it's just not gonna happen any time soon - if ever. The sad thing is that some of you think that is why I am screaming my head off here. So not true.

Although when we first got here I thought this hospital was awesome, every one of the family members here have seen a definite decrease in the quality of care. I am in no way saying that all the nurses and all of the doctors stink, because there really are some awesome ones here, but I will say that everyone here is overtaxed and stretched too thin. There are not enough therapists, nurses and doctors to cover the caseload and sadly, they just keep adding patients to the wing. And in the last week alone, 2 patients have left and went back to Walter Reed and one is leaving next week for Dallas because of the lack of care here. It's not just me feeling like I do. Believe me!

Now I can see this clearly, so I step in and take TOTAL care of Kevin. The only thing I do not do is shower him. I do help bed-bath him on the opposite days (not enough staff to shower the patients every day even), but I have yet to go into the shower with him. I do all of his creams, all of his garments, get him ready for all of his therapies and participate in everything. I am handed his pills and I make him take them. One day, I even had to take him to X-ray myself because five nurses stood over his bed and fought over who was going to take him. Nothing like making a patient feel like a pain in the ass, right?

So pointing all of that out - there honestly won't be much difference when we go home. And the doctors do agree with me. They see that Kevin doesn't require the care that most of the patients here do. They see that everything he has achieved has been because Breezy or I push him to do it. They see that if anyone knows when to stop - it's also us. We understand him better than anyone here and when we take him to the Fisher House on the weekends, we basically do live there. He doesn't get to sleep there, but he honestly could and it would not make a difference to us.

That being said, I am gathering that some of you think I am checking him out of the hospital the day after surgery. I am shaking my head in wonder that y'all don't know me enough by now to know that I would not risk my son. Not even to have an address. I will tell you that I was told yesterday that I can safely take him home two weeks after this surgery - but I will not be doing that. I am anticipating another 3 months or so here. We still have one more surgery on his eyes and then ONCE HE IS ALL CLEAR - we will go home.

Now I am going to tell y'all a story to show each of you exactly what I mean when I say you only hear what I want you to hear. This should make y'all stop and think before believing that you have the inside track to my thoughts.

Back when we were in Texas, the first time that Breezy went home for a while, I was very stressed. More than one of you assumed it was because Breezy wasn't there to help. The truth of the matter was that over a long holiday weekend (if you guys remember this) Kevin was able to somehow pull his feeding tube, head bandages and his trach out. Now Kevin was still barely out of his coma, so it took him some time to do all of these things - especially as he had no hand coordination. Sadly, when I went in to see him the night before, he was left unattended and was picking one of his grafts off. I mentioned it very nicely to the nurse that he needed to have his arm restrained a little better. She was very rude about it basically telling me she knew how to do her job. I saw all of this from the anteroom. So when I got in the room and walked up to his bed, the pad under him was COVERED in blood. He had scratched his back raw. This was all donor and graft site and the grafts did need to be redone.

I knew when I went home that night that something was going to happen to Kevin and sure enough it did. He was able to pull three very important things out of his body.

Well, I stewed about it all the next day, but back then I still didn't voice things too loudly. But I really was upset so while at dinner I called and complained to the charge nurse. It turns out that the nurse who neglected my son was the charge nurse. I still told her that I was upset even though I was shaking with fear at having to do it. But my son was at risk and I didn't want her near him again.

Well, it really got worse. The next morning, we apparently got a close friend of hers as our nurse. From the moment I walked into that anteroom she was on my butt. She started lecturing me about how I am nobody and they are trained nurses that know more than I ever will. She then went into Kevin's room and showed me how tight she could tie him and didn't allow us to untie him even while we visited. She worked either 8 or 12 hour shifts and never once untied him the whole time - and let me tell you, his arm was tight against the rail!! FOR THREE DAYS!!! (btw, this is against the law) She also threatened to evict me from the room because Kevin was agitated and it had to be my fault. I can't begin to tell you of the horrors that she did to us during that three days. These are a few of the major things, but it was all weekend long.

During that time - no one would listen to me. Everyone was friends and they all stuck together.

Lucky for me, Maritza knew what was going on and called a friend of hers that was a colonel. The colonel listened, talked to the first nurse (the charge nurse) and saw immediately what her attitude was like and then investigated the other nurse that did so many wrong things to Kevin because she was mad at me. That nurse did end up being fired.

So did I tell you guys about this? NO. Why? Because I don't like to complain. I try to always be upbeat no matter what life throws at me. But sometimes, when things just keep getting worse and worse - I vent.

So maybe the next time - instead of thinking "Wow! She's cracking up!" - think, hmmm...there must be something going on that she just isn't sharing with us. (although I will say that a good crack up could be good for me, lol)

Now because this post is so incredibly long already, I will explain some of what has been going on here at this hospital tomorrow night. I want to go home and see Moe and Mathew as they leave in the morning.

As for Kevin - his head is still very large. He is doing better because I believe he is adjusting to the pressure. But he is eating food anyway and drinking too. He's tough so hopefully he can keep going like this until his surgery happens in a week or so.

Day 196 - Dec 13, 2008

I just don't even know where to begin. First, I was very angry that the docs just left Kevin laying in bed for 4 days while not really even bothering to worry. He didn't eat one bit of food, had nothing to drink either and his head was huge. To be honest, he wasn't even taking any of his meds. I am not sure why they didn't just change his meds to IV form, but they didn't.

So anyway, Kevin was showing signs of a constant severe migraine. He couldn't tolerate any light or sounds. This was fine because we were in a room with no roommate and I was able to keep nearly everyone out. BUT - for some reason they chose Friday to put someone else in the room with us. And to top it all off = the guy is very aggressive and screams all the time and is somewhat violent. In the meantime, they decided to take Kevin down to ICU because he was so lethargic and couldn't tolerate anything. Makes sense right? I mean we go from a controlled room where I can keep it quiet and dark to ICU where it's super bright and VERY loud. But then - there's the roommate. HA!

I went nuts! I mean, seriously? Do they not even get a feel for what these patients are like before they put them in a room with someone else? This guy is so bad that he went in to Joel's room twice. Now Joel is blind. He is very vulnerable and this guy was able to walk into his room twice? How are we supposed to feel safe here? And sad to say, but it took 4 nurses to get the guy out of there the one time. How scary is that that he is supposed to be Kevin's roommate? No flippin way, I say!

And then, we get down to ICU and they are upset because he really doesn't need to be there. He is taking up a valuable bed that can be used for someone that needs it. So they are mad that we are there. I am mad that we are there. And the chief of the hospital comes in and tells me basically - tough shit. Y'all can imagine that that didn't go over too well with me. I did tell him that he is a fucking moron and I stand by my words. He doesn't know Kevin from Adam so who is he to say what Kevin needs? It was obvious he just has the ego from hell and is on a power kick. I told him that my son is an active duty soldier and he deserves respect and he just isn't getting it from this hospital. I told him I think I made a mistake. He said 'Why? Because you are in ICU?" and I said "NO! Because we are in Tampa!" He proceeded to tell me that his staff is excellent and I said "yeah, that's why your neurosurgeons changed the process for dealing with Kevin's head and forgot to put the orders in so that no one but me knew about it? And then they went home? And of course, we have nurses that don't put the correct flow rate on the IVs and leave Kev to eat by himself and missing or incorrect meds all the time that no one but me realizes and I just went on and on.

I am so mad. But you know what? We are stuck here. Kevin cannot be transported as he is right now. And frankly - will he be any better anywhere else? I doubt it. I just wish there was some magical place that can take care of Kevin without any hassles.

This is why though I cannot leave the hospital. I have been here since Tuesday morning and have only left to get two showers and I slept the one night at home while Breezy stayed. I have had to become the nurse and each of Kevin's specialists (ie neurosurgery, dietary, psychologist, you name it). I have to babysit every department because they don't finish their job all the way to the end.

And it really sucks that Moe is here and I can't even visit with her. I haven't seen her in six months and it's just not fair. I did get Kevin into a private room that is so small we can only really have one person in the room with him. And because we were still in ICU most of today, I sent Moe, Breezy and Mathew (Moe's son) to Disney World. We were able to get free tickets and I figured it would be fun for them as I can't leave the hospital.

This all just sucks.

One good thing though - they are pushing Kev's cranioplasty to less than two weeks now. I will have Kevin out of this hospital as fast as he can get better after the surgery. I feel we will be better off and safer in our own home (assuming we have a home and that's one big ass assumption).

Well, I am exhausted and going to curl up in my chair. I do want to say that the chair does pull out into a bed of sorts, but my upper body isn't heavy enough to keep it that way. I just get all comfortable and bam - I am folded back up into a chair. It's ok though. It may not be the most comfortable of places, but I can handle it.

Day 195 - Dec 12, 2008

I am not going to be able to write anything tonight. Kevin is back in ICU and there is no internet in that room. I left Breezy and Mathew with Kevin while Moe and I went to dinner real quick and then I am heading back to spend the night with him. (obviously Moe is here to visit - yay!!)

Suffice it to say, I have been on the rampage all day. I have told everyone and their mother off. I even called the chief of staff of the whole hospital a fucking moron to his face. And he is. I am tired of Kevin being mistreated and ignored during a serious crisis. The buck stops here!!

So, hopefully I will have a chance to catch everyone up on everything tomorrow. You are all going to have to excuse my french, but this weekend it's gonna fly!

Day 194 - Dec 11, 2008

Kevin is still in a really bad way. I actually took a major nutty on all of the neurosurgeons - including the head honcho - today. They just aren't doing anything for him. They are 'pumping' or 'priming' the shunt ever hour now and it's not caused any change in the last 30 hours. Hello? I think that means it's just not working!

There answer is to do the cranioplasty in 2 weeks. In the meantime, they are going to stick a needle in his head and drain fluid out every day until then. This is VERY painful for Kevin and I have to hold him up away from the bed while they do it and he just screams and cries the whole time (about 20 mins).

You know what? I just can't even write anymore tonight. I am just too upset and I am hoping it will be better tomorrow after I get some rest. I have been at the hospital for about the last 22 hours (with the exception of an hour and a half to take a shower and go to a meeting for his VA benefits) and I am tired. I will explain more tomorrow night.

And for those reading tonight - keep Breezy in your thoughts. She is staying up there with Kevin tonight as I am just too exhausted. He will not allow both of us to leave at the same time and one of us now has to sleep at night up there with him. I feel confident that she can do it - but it's still hard to sleep in the chair and keep an ear out for every noise he makes. Not to mention the nurses coming in every hour to prime the shunt...

Day 193 - Dec 10, 2008

Things just aren't very good with Kevin right now. The neurosurgeon chose not to perform surgery because he said there doesn't seem to be a reason that the shunt isn't working. I was really pissed because the guy didn't even come and tell us that until 5pm this evening. By that time the nurses had cathed him and everything as a prep for surgery. And he hadn't been allowed to even have a drink since midnight last night. Ridiculous!!

So what he is saying is that he feels it's the brain damage not knowing there is pressure causing the shunt to not work. That just makes no sense to me. It's worked up til now - so what's the difference between last week and this one?

But regardless, they are priming the shunt every two hours for the next few days and going to see if that will work. I'm not really sure if we can do this for a few days, to be truthful. His head is already way larger than it was yesterday before they pulled the 300 CCs of fluid off. He was only awake for about 15 minutes total today since I got here (9am and it's now 11pm) and that 15 mins was because we had to wake him to prime the shunt twice already. He hasn't had anything to eat and he has taken 2 sips of gatorade when I woke him to take his pills. And sad to say - but those 2 sips of fluid caused him to nearly throw up each time. He has been holding the bucket in his hand more often than not today - even while sleeping.

So the docs answer long term - rush the cranioplasty. Although it's not a definite, sometimes having your flap (skull) replaced fixes most everything. A lot of times it regulates the pressure taking the need for the shunt away. I can only hope so because it scares me to think of having to deal with this shunt stuff for the rest of our lives. I just don't want Kev to have to keep going through this.

But anyway, they are aiming for early Jan for the plate to be placed in his head. I sure hope this priming thing works for now though. We just can't stay this way!

Well, I am going to quit for now. I will be staying at the hospital overnight tonight and I want to curl up in the chair for a little nap.

Oh - and before I forget - so far there is no infection showing up in the fluid!!

Day 192 - Dec 9, 2008

Well...things don't always work out as you plan. I got a call this morning from our nurse and had to hurry back to the hospital. Kevin's head is quite large again and the neurosurgeon actually drained 300 CCs of fluid this afternoon. He has had 2 CT scans today and we are just waiting until morning to see if he needs surgery again. Personally, I think it's already gotten larger so I am expecting for him to have another surgery. Sometimes though, tapping the head will 'prime' the shunt so maybe it will kick in overnight and all will be well again.

I knew it yesterday. I almost didn't go to the conference, but I didn't want to let Breezy down as we needed that time together. I don't regret it, not by a long shot, but I still feel bad that I wasn't here. It's just so hard having to be a mom to two kids when one of them requires so much of your time. I feel really bad for not doing more with Breezy, but it's just not easy to walk away when someone is like Kevin is. I just can't wait for him to have his cranioplasty and maybe some of these issues will go away. Then we can really get out there and do things as a family like we used to.

But, Breezy and I did have a lot of fun yesterday. We only had time to go to Epcot and walk around the World Showcase, but it was still a nice day. We really just enjoyed going to bed early as we just don't have time to do that here.

I did send her and Chrissy back to Disney World tonight too. The coalition had paid for the room and the hopper pass to the parks so I figured they might as well enjoy it. I plan to call the coalition after the event is over and see if they have any tapes of the classes. There were some I really needed to sit in on.

Well, I need to try to get to bed early tonight too as tomorrow is probably going to be a rough day. Wish us luck on the surgery and cross your fingers that the fluid they sent off is not an infection. If it is - our 6 month waiting period will have to start all over again and we are so close. SO CLOSE!!

Before I sign off - here is a pic of Kevin with Charlie Daniels from the other day:

Day 191 - Dec 8, 2008

I am going to pass on writing tonight as Breezy and I are in Orlando and we are so tired we are going to bed. How lame is it that we are in Disney World and have been in the room since 8pm napping and watching a movie? Couple o' wild chics, huh?

Day 190 - Dec 7, 2008

We had a really great day today! We have known that this group of guys was going to come for a week or so now and every day we would tell Kevin and he would shake his head 'no'. I was so worried because I didn't want to offend them thinking that Kevin didn't want to meet them. But, it turns out that Kevin just didn't believe us all this time. This is the first look on Kevin's face when they walked in the door. I think he was just figuring out what was going on:



This one is where Kevin really understood that the band was truly here to see him:



And here is kevin just grinning from ear to ear:



And here is a pic of us and the band:



And the bands name? Atreyu!! This is the band whose name Kevin first read on my iPod! When we realized he could read! They are a heavy metal band and one of or possibly Kev's favorite band!!!

I must say that this group of guys was wonderful! We had a very enjoyable visit. They actually stayed for over an hour in Kev's room and then they walked around the ward and met some of the other patients. Then they came back to say 'goodbye' to Kev and invited him to see them in concert next year when they come back to Tampa.

And to Sharrin at Hollywood Records - thanks so much for talking to the guys about coming to see Kev! You made his day - his month - probably his year! Tell them all 'thanks' again!

Now I'm going to answer a few of the questions. I am way behind.

Jessica, we received the shirt and button - very nice! I hope they work!

Kim - we did get the pics of the kids from the preschool. Kevin even pointed to his name that was on a piece of paper in one of the pics. I just love it when I can see him reading. Tell the kids 'thanks'!

Albie - we got the picture you drew of Kevin - wow! Beautiful!

Also, a few of you suggested Kev wearing a hoodie. That is a great idea. We even have a Zoo York one (skateboard company) so we will try that.

Some of you have asked when Breezy will be coming back to PA to live - we are figuring March. Her boyfriend will be home from Iraq in April and she wants to be set up before then. This is going to be very hard for all of us. The three of us are very close and I just can't imagine not seeing her all the time.

Bea (Holee) - hurry up and send those quilts, lol! It has been unseasonably cold here lately. I would've loved to have one last night (and tonight) as it's only 50 degrees here. I am told this is not the norm and I sure hope not...

Anonymous asked why we shouldn't take Kevin out in Tampa - I am thinking it's because he still doesn't have the plate in his head. Normally he would wear a helmet and be able to go out, but they can't get one to fit as his head size fluctuates daily. It is also very painful to have it rub on that sac above his ear.

Denver - the realtor will be dealing with the bank and our bid. I am leaving this aspect in their capable hands so I probably won't know who it is - at least until the end.

Barbara - I don't think Kevin even knew who Charlie Daniels was. It didn't matter to him in the least that he met him, but he was wiped out as we just came back from PT and OT. When he is tired, he retreats into himself and we all just back off and let him rest.

Well, that's enough for tonight. Breezy and I are actually going to Disney World tomorrow for the day/night. My niece Chrissy is coming to stay with Kevin. The reason we are going is because there are some classes I need to take. One is on retiring vs active duty. So we are going to leave tomorrow afternoon after seeing Kevin in the morning and then come back the next afternoon/evening. I still won't leave him for a full day as I just can't do it. I will also be skyping with him. I am really scared to leave him, but I really need to meet some of the contacts at this conference and I also need to learn from the classes. And most importantly - Breeze and I need some time together.

So wish us luck. I hope it all goes well...

Day 189 - Dec 6, 2008

We had a really nice day today. We actually loaded Kevin up in the van and went to Fort Desoto in St Pete. We walked out onto the pier and just listened to the waves. We then bought some hot dogs from a vendor and had a little picnic.

After that we went to the Cheesecake Factory and bought a whole cake, grabbed another sub for Kevin from Subway (the 4th day in a row that he wanted the same sub) and then we went home and ate.

He was so wiped out tonight that he even fell asleep with the lights and tv on!

I forgot to mention that we had some visitors at the hospital this week and they were Charlie Daniels and Ross Perot. We got pics of Kev with Charlie, but we had to use Tracy's camera as mine was in the van. When she gets home she will send the pics along and I will upload them to the blog.

Tomorrow we have a very special group of people coming, but I am going to wait until then to let you know who, lol.

Day 188 - Dec 5, 2008

Yay! Kevin fell in love with the house!! As soon as we walked into the great room and he got a good look - his face just lit up with excitement! He was even trying to 'walk' his wheelchair faster to get to all the rooms. It was so funny and just outright wonderful to see.

So now we have to settle on a beginning bid and see what the bank will counter with. I kinda have a number in mind that I will settle for, but we shall see. I know he loved it - every time I asked him if he really wanted this house he shook his head yes so hard that his teeth had to rattle, lol. Let's just now hope that it is in our budget. I would so hate it if the bank didn't come down low enough!

Well, I am going to cut it short tonight as it is very late. I know there are questions that need answered, but I will get to them as soon as I can.

Day 187 - Dec 4, 2008

Yay! We made it to see one of the houses tonight! I personally thought it was very nice, but Kevin didn't really like it. We are taking him to see the one we all really liked the most tomorrow evening, so keep your fingers crossed. It would be nice if he liked it and the bank was willing to work with us on the price. Then I can put the house hunting away and move on with just getting him better.

Speaking of getting better, Kevin walked today and it was amazing! He actually was able to pull himself up into a standing position all by himself and he can even move the right leg (taking steps) quite a bit without help. I was so impressed!! He walked the parallel bars back and forth four times (taking a break between each walk). He is even getting better with keeping his head upright too. It really was something to see! I am just so proud of him!

And now for some bad news...we were told today that Kevin really shouldn't go to Disney. The docs don't really feel he is well enough to go. I am very bummed about this and in some ways I can agree with them, but in other ways I don't. I already figured that we were going to spend the bulk of the time in our room anyway, but I guess it's a moot point. There's always next year, I guess. And in the meantime, we will just keep going around town. They wanted me to not really take him anywhere even in Tampa, but that I won't do. He needs to be reintroduced to society and I can't wait for rec therapy to do it because it's just not happening.

Well, everyone please keep your fingers crossed on Kevin liking this house. This is the one that is bank owned. It was a model home that has never been lived in. I am hoping Kev can look past the green algae filled pool and the dead cockroaches and everything like that, lol. It really is beautiful, but it has been neglected for close to a year now. I just hope that the bank is willing to see my list of needed repairs and general cleanup and price it accordingly. Time will tell, I guess...we need Kevin to like it first anyway...

Day 186 - Dec 3, 2008

We had hoped to take Kevin to look at a house this evening, but it didn't work out. He was very tired and wanted back in bed at 3pm and by the time we got him back up it was just too late to go. I guess maybe tomorrow we will make it.

We did load him in the van and take him to Subway though. At first, he wouldn't go in, but I pretty much made him. I was so glad that he finally realized he had to and when he went in he actually was joking and carrying on. He even paid for his meal with Tracy's debit card. He really had a good time out and about and that's just the beginning. We are going to continue going somewhere on a daily basis - even if it's just for a ride.

On that note, I have decided it's time to buy a van with a lift in it. I have been foolishly holding off because to be honest, I just thought he would be able to walk out of here. I still think he will be able to (at least I hope so), but realistically - he will get exhausted quickly if he is able to walk so we will need his chair anyway. I am very afraid to spend this money, but I am hoping there are some grants or organizations out there to help us. I hate to be getting a car loan when we will be getting a mortgage within the next few months.

And gosh - for those of you that know me - y'all know that I have been adamantly against the whole mini-van lifestyle. I am just so not the van type of girl, lol. Even when the kids were little everyone kept saying 'get a van, get a van' and I was like 'are you nuts?'. Tracy thinks it's so hilarious that I am now going to have to drive one that she is planning on buying one of those goofy signs that says 'mom's taxi' on it. Hmph. She's crazy if she thinks that's going anywhere near that van!

How life can sure change, huh? But it's ok. I will do anything for my kids - even drive a mini-van, lol! (and no offense to any moms out there that drive them, hehe)

And to change the subject, and I am almost afraid to say this for fear of jinxing it, but watching Kev tonight - it seems like he is accepting things better now. I know the antidepressants take a couple of weeks to really work, but maybe they are kicking in early. I guess we will know more about that over the next few days or so.

And I had a really pleasant day today. Karen, one of my good friends from way back in high school, happened to be in Florida visiting her aunt with her mom. She is from PA and she jumped in her rental car and drove over from Daytona to visit. It was so nice!! We went for a nice lunch and just talked for a couple of hours. Tracy wanted to stay with Kevin which enabled me to go for a short while. I was really happy to see her - even if it was just for 4 or 5 hours!

Well, I need to get moving, but wish us luck tomorrow on going to see one of the houses...

Day 185 - Dec 2, 2008

Wow! What a day today! We did pick up Tracy and Jody and we went and looked at 2 homes today too. I have it narrowed down to 4 homes. I think really 3, but I am being open minded about the fourth. I called the van people today and picked up the van this evening knowing we can't see all of these houses in one day with Kevin. It would completely exhaust him (and me, lol). They graciously allowed us to have it for a whole week. I am really excited about it because maybe we can get Kevin used to being out in the world for a few days before heading to Disney. This only going somewhere once a month or so isn't going to make any headway on the anxiety thing.

So, I can be honest and say I think I know which home Kevin will choose. This home has the potential to be quite beautiful! It actually is beautiful but it was foreclosed on a while ago and definitely needs a good cleaning. It is a very masculine home and unfortunately it has been empty for a while and is very neglected. I am thinking this is a good thing because the bank may be desperate to unload it and may be willing to at a very low price. I can only hope, huh?

Well, who knows...Kevin may surprise me totally and go with something totally different. So many of his tastes have changed since the attack. I shouldn't even begin to guess what he likes anymore, lol.

I guess I better head to bed. I will be so glad when we settle on a house and I don't have to drive all over the state of Florida in the middle of the night!

Day 184 - Dec 1, 2008

It was another pretty good day. We didn't make it down to the house until this evening, but it was still overall a good day.

Breezy and I went and looked at a house this afternoon and we left Kevin with a sitter. During that time, he did refuse PT and only allowed half of his time of OT, so it looks like either Breezy or myself needs to be here to force him to do these things.

Unfortunately he will be left alone again tomorrow for a while as we have to run to the airport to pick up Tracy and her husband and then we need to run out to look at another home. I think I have it pretty much narrowed down and am planning to take Kevin out to look at the one community and the homes I think he may like. We will be getting the van again on Friday as we go to Disney on either Sun or Mon, so I figured this is the best time to go.

I'm a little worried about the Disney thing. So far - he is truly refusing to go. I sure hope he changes his mind. There was a lot of work and expense involved by the Coalition to Salute American's Heroes and I hate to see it being wasted. Surely, surely he will go...

I am going to hit some of the questions for now and then head home:

Jessica - all of the soldiers here would love to get Christmas cards! Send them on!!

Em - I really like the idea of putting his Airborne flag over him. We might just do that!

Anonymous - I will try to mention the communication board. I don't know why that hasn't been offered, but I am sure there is a good reason...

Alison - you thought we could get a sitter to sit with Kevin while we house shopped and that's basically what we are doing. We have been riding around at night to weed out those that we don't want to waste daylight hours on as we are limited on how much time we will leave Kevin.

Selma - I will contact you shortly. I have company coming in tomorrow so it may be a few days or so. If I forget - remind me. I am the dumbest I have ever been lately...

Ok, gotta run. One more house to drive by tonight.

Day 183 - Nov 30, 2008

We had a really good day today. To be honest, we all lay around and watched movies all day. Matter of fact - here is a pic of Kevin sitting in a real chair! It's the first time he allowed me to put him in the chair without Barb - our physical therapist.



And being funny - here is a pic of all of us lying in his bed at the hospital. This one was taken the other day. Anyway, we got busted by the nurse and she's cool so she took a pic for us.



Matter of fact, the same nurse that took this picture is also going to Disney World with us next week. We are hoping to stay 2 nights, but we may only make it one night. At this point, Kevin is very conscious of what his head looks like so he may not want to leave the room. If that happens, we will make the best of it - but I sure hope I can get him out of there. It's going to be hard though as he can't ride any rides or anything, but we can just take in the sites and eat, eat, eat! I think there are a couple of shows though - I just haven't had time to research it yet. This house hunting is taking up all of my time.

Well, off to bed for me...I will answer some of your questions tomorrow night.