It's so hard for me to sit and realize that it's been 10 whole years since Kevin was injured. How our lives have been forever changed - and how desperately I wish I could turn back time.
I know I haven't written in a very long while. We had some really great years with Kevin, but that was all changed again 3 years ago when he had surgery and somehow ended up with a Chiari Malformation. A CM is basically where his brain is being sucked down into his spinal column. He woke up from that surgery screaming in agony and it has never changed. Kevin now lives with a level 7 pain 24 hours a day - every single day. For three long fucking years.
It is very hard to watch your child suffer so much. He has been suicidal now for almost 2 years...every day...all day..."MOM...begging you...die. Just die." He is literally begging me to let him die. To help him die. He wants me to hold his hand and sit there and watch him fade away.
I don't think I can do it though. I came home from work one day and he had an Army knife held at his gut. He was screaming and crying and begging me to let him do it. I was crying and screaming right along with him telling him "NO. Please don't. We love you". But watching him suffer - is that really love? Sometimes I feel like such a selfish person because I don't want to lose him. All the times he called me while trying to overdose and I had to run to his room screaming and grabbing the bottle of pills...should I just let him go? Should I just let him do it? Will I go to jail if I do?
I hate that his is our life now and I really hate that he no longer laughs or smiles. Through all of the worst in the beginning - he still always joked and laughed and loved to ham it up for the nurses and anyone else that came near him. Not anymore though. There are no jokes. He just sits there with a vacant look in his eyes when company comes over. He could care less and it's only when I force him that he even comes out of his room.
I know that a huge part of his problem is depression and I assure you - I have asked the VA for help. I have to sarcastically laugh because the VA decided not to put him on any anti-depressants, but to have Kevin do in-home psychotherapy via a type of Skype. Hilarious, right? I mean...he can't fully talk and he sure isn't going to remember what they say to him an hour later, but what the hell, let's just waste our time.
BUT - I did take him to Phoenix to see a neurosurgeon there and although there was nothing else he could do, he did at least prescribe some meds for his depression. It's only been 3 weeks, but I was able to get Kevin to come out of his room to play Skipbo last night...that's a good sign...
So anyway, this is definitely not a positive post. I am at my wit's end. I am beyond stressed from trying to keep him alive and from trying to decide if "end of life" measures should be taken. I hear Switzerland is the place to go, but I still just don't think I can do it. The thought of not having my son in my life is devastating and I just don't think I am strong enough to help him die. I just keep hoping that some doctor will step up and know how to fix it. Or find some kind of drug that will help with the pain (tried Fentanyl, Dilauded, Marijuana, Morphine - you name it - we tried it). I just wonder when the hope will end for me. And therein lies the problem - it already has for him...
First 2 from the Nov kit!
10 years ago