I really wish I could say that I felt better - but I just don't. I know I mentioned everything about me last night, but truthfully - it's even harder watching Kevin go through what he's going through and just imagining how he feels is really rough.
I truly feel his pain. I can't imagine what it's like to be sitting in a restaurant with 20 soldiers in the same building and your mom having to cut up your food.
I can't imagine what it's like to watch soldiers stand while saluting as the flag is coming down the pole and you can't stand on your own.
I can't imagine how embarrassing it is to have to have your mom give you a shower every day.
Or what it's like to be so scarred in the face when we all know how we feel when we have a pimple or something as minimal as that.
I also can't comprehend what it feels like to have to go to the bathroom and your urinal is in the car and your mom ran downstairs to get a drink.
Or how scary it is when someone asks you a question and is expecting a response, and you can't answer them - even if you know the answer.
And what about not being able to play your XBox? One of the two things you loved the most? Which also brings out the utter sadness that he will never really be allowed to skateboard again. Pick the two things that mean so much to you and imagine never being able to do them again? Horrible, huh?
And let's not forget how devastating it must be to know that you are no longer able to do what you wanted to do - to go into the Special Forces and make a career of it all.
I have been watching him here and it's not been a good thing to be around all of these guys/gals. It was just so easy to feel lucky when you are only around people that are in the same boat as you are - with brain injuries. He is truly a miracle in that regard. But we aren't around people with brain injuries here and it has made his losses stand out so much more that even I am noticing them in a profound way. I think we just need to go home so we can go back to sticking our heads in the sand and dealing with things in a more positive way. I just can't seem to see the light here and I really need to - fast.
First 2 from the Nov kit!
12 years ago
15 comments:
Your depressed. I'm going to say this only because you need to look back to your last visit to Tx and no farther.
The last time Kevin was in TX he couldn't stand, now he can walk. He couldn't get a shower, now he can. There was little hope for him to know what he liked or wanted and now he does.
I think I told you once before. It's too hard to look at what was..don't look to it because you will get no comfort from it at all.
Those 20 soldiers are looking at Kevin and wondering if they will end up in his condition and if anyone will be there to cut their food. It's scary for them too.
Don't look back to the skate board, but look to the puzzles he can do now. That's amazing!
He is a soldier, he has proven that more then once. It's good for him to be around soldiers who understand. It's good for him to be around men. This is his life and he has done an amazing job.
If Kevin was there alone, all those soldiers would be helping him. He would fit in because they understand. They look at him knowing what he gave and how & why he gave it because they are doing the same with the same possibilities.
You said to me that it's not the same because my son is dead and yours is alive. I tried to tell you it is the same. I can't look back to what could have been or what was..the saddness and depression are just to much to do that. You have to live with what you have now.
I have the people who live with my sons organs. You have a son who fought his way back. Your future happiness depends on giving up the what was or could have been.
I don't think anyone can say it more eloquently than Holee.
Life is different now. Not fair, never fair, but different. You are allowed to say," God, why me?" You are allowed to be bitter, angry, hurt, sad, etc.
It is not one year yet. You have had to make MAJOR life adjustments (without much help from anyone) in a very short period of time.
It's hard to look ahead; it hurts to look back.
My mother always told me. "Life's not fair. Good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people." She also told me God will never give you a bigger load than what you can handle.
I'm not going to tell you things will get better. They will get different and your views will change a million times as you travel through this experience called life.
Try not to compare what Kevin has or what he doesn't have. Cherish the past, look forward to the future, enjoy today.
Each and everyone of us could look around and compare our deficits - be it education, be it physical attributes, be it whatever. Part of life is accepting what is in your life - change what you can change and work to be a better person through it all. You are a great mother, Kevin is so lucky to have you.
Kevin is a hero. His life should be celebrated. What he is - a soldier for his country - is truly a gift to US.
Thoughts and prayers for you both.
Hugs to you! I hope you are able to leave soon.
Take care,
Kathy in IA
I don't comment often, but wanted to say how wonderful you both are. I would love to be able to do something to make this easier for both of you, but this is not something anyone else can fix. I would like to suggest that when you get back home, perhaps you can look for some type of caregivers/family support group. Maybe seeing others who are in a similar situation and sharing frusterations and triumphs may help you feel better. And they may be able to give you something that us online friends cannot- some regular interaction. Sending hope and prayers your way,
Michelle
Wow, there's no way I can add to what Holee and anonymous #1 said, but I can understand what you are saying in every one of the issues you brought up.
Of course it's hard for Kevin to see other soldiers going about their daily life; but he must know that he is a hero. I know that these young men and women don't like to be referred to as heroes, but they are, like it or not. Your family has been changed forever, because he chose to serve his country as a soldier in the U.S. Army. That makes him a hero. He is fighting his way back now, day by day, sometimes hour by hour and that, too, makes him a hero.
You are a hero, too, Leslie. I know as a mom that we would do anything for our children, even though it means leaving your own life behind. I wish that the government would help you a little more, so that you can take care of Kevin...and maybe that can be resolved.
I remember how happy Kevin was when you first moved into his house, when you get back home, he'll feel better again. Hang on for one more hour...we're all "here" for you and you are in our prayers.
Holee said it all honey. You are doing what you can and you are the BEST at it. Kevin is a true soilder in more ways than one. Those other guys there are thinking my God what a man Kevin is. That could and still might be me. Will I have someone like his Mom that is strong enough to take care of me unconditionally like his Mom does. Know we Love You Both. Pam
The comments here are so good; Holee almost me cry.
Here is my two bits.
I would be surprised if you did NOT feel sad and frustated right now. The best analogy I can come up with is this: a high school boy (young man) in a small town is good at some kind of a ball game (I am not into sports). He gets to go to the big leagues and he goes there with great hope. When he gets there, the players are so much better than him! He does not know all the exercises, the routines, and he struggles to learn everything and to play the game well. He wants to be as good as the other players. The players tend to hang with their own friends and don't pay much attention to the young man. The whole experience is miserable for him and his sweet Mom who has to watch all of this.
Now, this is not the same, of course, but my point is that perhaps your expectations were indeed colored by the protected atmosphere of the other hospital and perhaps Kevin and you have to struggle even harder for something that you both want so much! That does not mean it won't happen. Yeah, Kevin will not be the same as he was, but he can be the best he can be - in time.
Keep your spirits up the best that you can, even though you feel like crawling under the covers and taking Kevin there with you for that matter. This visit will probably be the worst of many visits to come. I would not be surprised if the next visit is much better. You and Kevin just keep working on your therapies and, at the very least, next time Kevin may be able to stand up with the other soldiers. Baby steps...
God bless you and Kevin,
Cathy M
AFTER READING ALL OF TODAYS COMMENTS, I REALIZE I HAVE NOTHING NEW TO ADD ... HOLEE, SAID IT ALL RIGHT FROM THE START ... YOU AND KEVIN DO HAVE A HOME ... HE MAY ALWAYS NEED YOU TO SOME EXTENT ... IF NOTHING MORE THEN TO LAUGH WITH, CRY WITH , EAT CHEESECAKE WITH ... HE NEEDS YOU AND YOU HAVE SHOWN YOUR OWN TRUE COLORS ... A HERO ALSO TO THIS WAR ... THINK OF MOTHER THERESA ... YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT , YOU HAVE LAID YOUR LIFE DOWN FOR YOUR CHILD ... A GREATER GIFT NO MOTHER CAN GIVE ... EVERY DAY, I READ WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY ... I DON'T ALWAYS AGREE BUT I RESPECT WHO YOU ARE LESLIE AND WHAT YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED ... KEVIN WOULD NOT HAVE COME THIS FAR WITHOUT YOU !!! I AGREE THAT ANY TRUE SOLDIER SEEING YOU AND KEVIN HAVE NOTHING BUT THE GREATEST RESPECT FOR YOU BOTH ... YOU BOTH ARE HEROES AND THEY KNOW IT !!! IT IS A SHAME THAT WE CALL OUR ILITARY AFTER THEY ARE WOUNDED ... FOR IN MY EYES ... THEY ALL ARE HEROES THE MOMENT THEY SIGN ON ... IT TAKES A BRAVE PERSON TO LIVE HIS CONVICTIONS ... AND TO ME, KEVIN STANDS THE HIGHEST OF ALL !!!!
[HOLEE, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOUR OWN SON WAS LOST TO THE WAR ... I AM SO SORRY ... I WILL NOT FORGET EITHER OF YOU AND THE SACRIFICES YOU MADE !] I HAVE A SON IN IRAQ RIGHT NOW ... EVERY DAY I WONDER ... BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART HE IS DOING WHAT HE HAS TRUELY BELIEVED IN ALL OF HIS LIFE ... THOUGH I WONDER SOME DAYS WHAT MY SON WITH A MASTERS DEGREE IS DOING IN THIS WAR ... I KNOW HE IS JUST LIKE EVER ONE ELSES SON ... DOING WHAT HE BELIEVES IN ... FOR THAT I HAVE A DEEP RESPECT ! TO ALL THE HEROES ~~~
~ DONNA ~
[IN ARIZONA]
S.A
I didn't mean to confuse anyone. My son was not killed in war. He was killed by the hands of another person.
It doesn't matter. We both lost our hope for our sons and what great future they could have had. Part of healing is getting past what was or what could have been. The past is gone and best left in the past.
Kevin is just to wonderful to dwell on what was when his daily struggles show just who he is and can be.
Well I certainly can't add anything more brilliant than what's already been said here in the comments. I can say that you guys are in the prayers of so many each and every day. And you always will be.
Kevin is my hero, and damn I can't think of a better one to have! And so are you Leslie - you are an incredibly strong, incredibly wonderful person. You are one helluva woman. And I know that you will get through this and find that "new normal". And we'll all be here for you to lean on, vent on, anything you need.
And I have to say that if I'm ever in a position to need Gibraltar Rock like support, this is the place that I'm coming - you guys are all the best! :-)
God bless you Leslie. Praying that you can get back to FL soon (like yesterday). Thoughts, prayers, support and loads and loads (extra loads now!) of Angel Hugs are on their way to you all, each and every day. HUGS.
- Kris, a Soldiers' Angel from RI
Sometimes the scope of all that has transpired catches up. Were you able to connect with JW while in Texas?
Can't add anything more to the thoughts expressed above. Keep venting and moving forward.
Hugs and prayers your way.
Leslie, please, please, please read My Stroke of Insight. Please. I just really believe it will help you. Little steps add up to big miles over time. It took the author 8 years to get most of her left brain functions to start working in her right brain. But she did. And look how far Kevin's come in less than a year. You're right smack in the middle of the situation, so you can't see the big progress as much as you see the awful peripheral side effects, maybe. We who are sitting out here are stunned by the progress from our view. He's climbing mountains! He walks now, when only a few months ago he couldn't sit up alone. He's using a cell phone now, when 11 months ago he was on a ventilator. He has scars, but those will improve, especially after he has some surgery. Hang in there. He truly is a miracle in action, and so are you. He will never be the same as he was before, but he will be better than he is.
Wow, Holee....you are the essence of true Grace. What a lovely spirit you have.
Dear Leslie. One more mountain you have to climb. This new set of emotions for both of you. Somehow you will get thru this, just like you have made it thru and past other obstacles. The last we talked was some weeks ago, maybe more and we talked about the time when these feelings would come crashing down. Well they are here and to be expected. Vent, cry, throw things and then do what you do so well. Keep going forward.
And don't forget that Breezys coming home is a big loss that is weighing on you. Breezy - when you read this, please know that you are helping your mother and brother by making the most of your life and finding your own path. A path that you can share with them and enjoy with them, even if it is from PA or wherever you land.
The love that surrounds this blog is simply amazing. Feel it and hold tight.
I don't think you're sticking your head in the sand, like you say, rather you're just trying your best to cope with a difficult situation. Sometimes you've gotta fake it till you make it, right? This is just one of those tough times where you are forced to look at reality in a harsh light. Thankfully, in FL you don't have to sit with groups of soldiers everyday. I can't imagine how hard that is for both of you and my prayers are with you.
Keep celebrating Kevin's accomplishments and the strides that he has been making! I know you will and that this is just one of those dark times you just have to endure, but you'll get through it. I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
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