I do believe I have become a blubbering mess. I just can't seem to stop crying. Every time someone looks at me - I cry. Every time I think of Kevin - I cry. Every time I open mail - I cry. Even when I talk on the phone - I cry (poor Moe and my parents). I guess I have hit that place where I need to step up and 'see someone'. I really thought I was doing pretty well. Not sure what has happened, but I was apparently mistaken. I have already discussed this with my case manager and she is setting up an appt for me. Don't worry everyone - I am really trying to take care of myself. This, I guess, is just another step in the grieving process. And I am told that even though Kevin is alive - we will still grieve because we did lose the person we sent off to Basic Training and we all three lost our lives as we knew them.
So Kev is doing better when it comes to the temp. He is back down in the 101-102 range, which is normal for both burn and neuro patients. Also to answer a question from my friend Diana so that everyone understands - From what I gather, a neuro patient's internal temperatures is sometimes altered when there is brain damage of any sort. It is true of normal patients that a fever usually means an infection of some sort, but a neuro patient's temp may never be 'normal' again. I wish I could explain why, but I just don't know enough about it yet.
He has also slept a little bit through the day today. I am thinking that he will probably sleep more tomorrow as it seems to have to do with how much CSF is built up around his brain. We measured him yesterday in inches and his head is 25 inches around at the biggest point. I can't wait for Friday. I sure hope we have the surgery and I can only hope this shunt works well for us. I have heard (and read) numerous times about how they can falter. But I know what to look for if it does, so all should be ok (does that sound positive enough?).
We did have a couple of visitors today from Kevin's unit. I tried my best to prepare them, but it was very sad to see how it was for them. I know they were both there when it happened, so I can only hope that they take care of themselves. It can't be easy seeing something like this. I also wished I had gotten to really sit down and talk to them, but I didn't want to leave Kevin alone during visiting hours. Breezy did, though. They talked for a good hour or more and it seemed to have helped her feel better.
Not too much else happened today, but I do want to take another moment and thank two very famous people. First - to Tony Hawk for sending Kevin a great autographed picture. I truly hope the day comes where he remembers what you meant to him.
Second - today I got the mail and was shocked to see a large envelope from none other than David Baldacci (one of my absolute favorite authors!!) I think I just held the envelope for a couple of minutes in awe. I did finally open it and out came a copy of his newest book "The Whole Truth" (which I haven't even read yet!) and he even signed it with a personal note to me! Now this might come as a shock to y'all - but I cried! I just can't imagine how somebody like him would even know about a person like me. Amazing! Thanks so much, Mr. Baldacci!!
Geez. I have pretty much written a book myself tonight...
First 2 from the Nov kit!
12 years ago
16 comments:
Oh Leslie,
Day 67 and you have simply done FANTASTIC. Honestly, I am surprised you have held up and been so strong for so long. You have been on such an emotional roller coaster...up one day and down the next.
I am glad you are going to talk to a professional person. I hope you like him / her. You will see how normal your feelings are and just feel so much better. I promise.
What a nice gift Kevin received and so glad that you were so happy to hear from your favorite author. Both of you are so deserving of these special treats.
I hope you got my mail. Do you have unlimited cellphone minutes ? A box is soon to follow. I saw your brother, Matt, at Uni Mart and he said just mail it to the address on your blog and you would get it.
No matter who you bump into, people are always asking about Kevin or commenting on how dedicated you and Brianna are and have been. Prayer and faith always seem to go hand in hand when you mention Kevin..so many people are praying for you all. I see many people wearing their bracelets in the camo color that say PRAY FOR KEVIN..I think people are praying and talking with God now more than ever.
Remember "Home Is Where The Heart Is"....East Brady is tiny and some love it and some don't love it very much. I am here because I love it. There are so many wonderful people here who care so much for all of you. No matter where your life takes you..East Brady will remain your home..forever. : )
I am so glad Brianna is with you. Give each other a hug and just pretend that it is coming from all of us in your tiny little town..all of us who care so much about you both and know how huge our hearts feel when we think of you. When you can hug Kevin..hug him too from us.
STAY STRONG..we are so proud of you all. : )
You are all doing great! Just keep taking it one day and one step at a time.
I'm glad you are actively seeking counseling. I know having your blog and Breezy have been very helpful, but experience has taught me that there are some things that a person just can't share through those channels.
I've been pulling for Kevin to fight his fever and to keep his surgery appointment. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for a good day today and a very successful outcome tomorrow!
-ida
Dear Leslie,
I agree with Lisa..Hon, you have been so strong for everyone and I'm amazed at how long you've held up..It's no wonder it's finally caught up with you.
Seeing someone will let you see that what you are feeling is normal..I'd find a place and just let yourself go. CRYING will help..Trust me..I've been there and I know..Trying to be the strong one is much harder then some think and will sooner or later take a toll on you & your health..
Both Kevin & Breezy need you strong and you have been but now it's time to do what's best for you hon..
God Bless...
Leslie, I am so glad to hear that you are going to see someone. Many people associate grief with death, but grief comes with any change that your emotions can't handle. I didn't understand why I needed a grief counselor either for a divorce when I was glad for the divorce to happen. It was a terrible change to become a single Mom of 4, move out of my house, etc.
You are a new person now, have a new life and with that comes emotions like you never expected. The life you new is gone and you will be okay, you just need help getting settled into this new place.
What made it even harder for me was everyone telling me how strong I was. I guess I felt like I was failing them when I realized I wasn't so strong and wanted someone to hold me and take over with some of the pain.
Us single Mom's are use to going it alone but now is the time to turn over some of the burden to others until you get back on course..and you will! There is just too many changes right now for you to really know what direction you will end up at. (the crying jags say it all)
Call on us, call on friends,family or counselors but don't try to tough it out alone..that doesn't mean you are weak to call on others.
I am glad you are getting some nice surprises. If nothing else it tells you people care, even people you were in awe about do have hearts that melt when they read what has happened to you in the name of freedom for our country.
Geez, now I wrote a book.. :(
I'm a phone call away. Call whenever you need to - no matter what time of the day. YOu are amazing Leslie. Hey you know what...I"m starting to realize that my youngest son sounds an awful lot like your Kevin! His name is Luke ~ he LIVES on his skateboard (In fact...just yesterday I caught him trying to do a "caveman" (thats a trick) off of the roof of my oldest sons car! ~ Nearly gave me a heart attack! LOL!) Luke also eats, sleeps and breaths military. He has a passion for the Marines to be exact. I'm going to have Luke send something for Kevin...I think Kevin would like it :)
You hang in there Les, and remember ~ if you ever need to talk...I'm here.
God Bless you,
Heather (Operation First Response)
Hi Leslie,
No one can tell you how to grieve. No one understands the emotions you are going thru right now other than the people who are going thru the exact same thing you are. Cry all you want Les. Don't worry about it. No one is judging you honey. You are an amazing and strong lady! Good to hear you are seeking help.
Glad to hear about Kev's temperature! That is good news! YAY Kevin! Keep fighting kiddo!
I hope too they put the shunt in Kev's head on Friday!
Wow, that is awesome about Tony Hawk and David Baldacci!! Human nature at it's best!
Please hang in there Les and stay strong! Wish I were there to give you a hug!
Healing and positive thoughts for Kevin. Safe thoughts for Alan.
Big hugs for you and Breezy!
All my love,
Andrew's Aunt Jodi
Leslie, I have no idea how you have been as strong as you are. Zach is in Scotland at their music and arts festival for 3 weeks and until he gets back i'll be a nervous wreck. NOTHING compared to what you are going through. If you need help/talk honey, you get some for your own sanity. That's so generous of Tony Hawk, see skateboarders aren't the bums they are made out to be. I hope Kev realizes it would mean the world to him. You take a deep breath and enjoy your new autographed book. You deserve it!!! Take care, Sharon, Zach & Haleigh
Wipe the sweat, put your head down and drive on. Airborne!
Dear Leslie
I think it is great that your Favorite Author has send you a Book . That was very thoughtful !
I am glad that Kevin's Buddies came by. You are a wonderful Mother !
Love
Petra
Leslie, No one deserves it more than you. What a great honor. I hope that Kev can soon have the surgery I am sure that is a constant worry to add to your list. Please take care and the crying is your release honey. Let it flow. Love ya, Pam
Les, I hope all goes well today and that tomorrow Kevin has the shunt put in. I will keep on praying for you all. Thanks for explaining the fever thing and I'm so excited for you to have gotten that book from your favorite author. Doesn't God work in mysterious ways, huh? He's seeing Kevin through this and he's also taking care of you and Breezy too. As for your emotions-this is definitely part of the grieving process. It's normal and it's okay to cry. You are a strong person even when you feel weak. Your strength has shown you that it's time to seek counseling and please don't be ashamed because it will help you to get through this process a little easier. I'm so proud of you Les and the amazing strength that you have. I'm happy for Kevin to have received a special gift and that he had a couple of visitors. Some day you will get the chance to talk to them. And I'm sure they walked away more proud than when they walked in seeing one of their own who has sacrificed so much for all of us. God Bless them all. Say hello to Breezy for me. Take care of yourself and know you all are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Love you all,
Diana
You are honestly amazing. Thank you for providing the rest of us with the opportunity to support you and your family on such an inspirational journey. God bless you with the strength to continue on and I pray that one day Kevin will be able to understand the awesome family and support group he has surrounding him.
I'm no doctor but I believe the persistent low grade fever is because our body temperature is regulated by the hypothalamus (a part of the brain). If the feedback mechanism is at all hindered, the body is unable to regulate its temperature at a normal range (~98.6).
Your son's story has given me another little nudge to join the Navy once I become an RN :) I hope that some day I'll be able to help others like him. Thank you so much for that.
I'm only 24, but I bet I would've been bawling for the past 67 days ;) Give yourself some major kudos just for making it this far all in one piece! Don't underestimate yourself and stay strong!! God bless you all as well as all our military personnel who will be in harm's way today.
Hi Leslie,
Just a quick note to let you know that work has begun on the skateboard park. The trailers used to haul the heavy equipment are parked by my office. I don't know the details of the job, but, thought you would like to know it has begun. Tell Kevin, too. I'm sure he will be happy to hear about it. God Bless you all.
A few years ago I went through a really rough time. I always considered myself a very strong person and I eventually fell apart with all the stress that was in my life at the time. I beat myself up about it for a long time until I realized even the strongest people have a breaking point. It's o.k. to let yourself cry, grieve, be angry or whatever else you need to do to get through this. So many prayers are coming your way today. Take some minutes to breathe. What a wonderful thing for Mr. Baldacci and Tony Hawk to do for you. Enjoy the book. Take care. Keep fighting Kevin, we are praying all goes well and the shunt can be put in as scheduled.
Good for you for recognizing that you need a little extra help in dealing with this trauma! What you're experiencing sounds natural to me so please don't beat yourself up about it. My mom is a single mom, for over 25 years, and I know how hard it is for her to accept help, since she's used to doing it all on her own. I imagine you've had a similar experience.
I know it must be hard. Keep your chin up. Your in our thoughts. Who visited from the unit? Can you say without saying....?
Love Monica G
P.S. If i ever recieved a book signed by my fav. author, yeah i'd probably freak out...in a good way of course. lol.
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